Have I ever asked for adventure? I don't think I have. Even when I dabble in fiction, it tends to be unknotting rather than knotting. In fact, it's hard for me to come up with conflicts as one is supposed to do to build a story. I abhor conflict in real life and I just haven't the will or mindset to stir the plot too much. It is the resolution of conflicts which I find challenging, and even enjoyable.

But have I ever asked for my life to get knotted and tangled so I'd have something to unravel? I hope not. I didn't mean to.

I'm a Gemini with Libra Rising. My mercurial nature helps me see both sides or all sides of most issues, and my Libra tendencies can usually find some way to rebalance a tilt in the scales. But I don't recall ever tipping the scales on purpose. It's just not my way. I much prefer the even keel. That is not boredom to me, it's not a rut, it's a nice balance from which to operate. I can handle the dips and tips, if they don't go on for too long. But after a while, if I cannot right the scales and find my equilibrium again, then I become quite distraught with that tension.

This long distance household move, this buying and selling of houses, is a chaotic imbalance. The scales of my life are on a ship in stormy seas, and rocking, sometimes wildly. The ups and downs are making me seasick. I have in fact heaved over the rail a few times. Even the three-year journey to this point has been long and fraught with trials.

I stand on the deck watching the storm and sometimes wailing at it. I scan the tempestuous horizon for sign of shore or lighthouse. I need to find a port. I need to weigh anchor. I am completely at home with smooth sailing or the gentle rocking motion in the marina, but these tidal waves are tormenting.

The winking eye of a lighthouse tells me that a Closing may occur on Friday. I have been steering in that direction, but until I get to that shore, I know there are rocks upon which my entire ship may be dashed. I put my hope in eventual daylight and the calming of the seas and skies. I imagine afternoons in the bay, sipping in the sunshine. I dream of nights, lounging on deck, watching moonlight on gentle water.

How's that for milking a metaphor? ;)

I am now reminded that I have a story on the board about a lonely captain and an unfortunate woman. Maybe I can get back to them someday, when my own ship is once again safely in harbor.

Dad is now recuperating at home in the state of KY! I am in the state of MO but may be in the state of AR sometime this week for the Closing on the new house. Then I will be back here in the state of MO, finishing up packing for the Move... which is presently scheduled to begin June 1 and will likely last for a few days, beginning in the state of MO and ending in the state of AR, of course. Then I'll be back in the state of MO again to finish cleaning, incl having the carpets steam cleaned. Will also get the realtor ducks in a row, I hope. Then one last drive to the state of AR? Then maybe I'll be able to sit for a while amongst unpacked boxes and determine what state I'm actually in.

Good heavens, I don't want to turn this into a BitchSpot instead of a BlogSpot, but in order to recount what went on Friday, it would have to be that. How very surreal to have a repeat of a horrific plumbing problem overnight which plagued this house over a year ago. Ghost arrived early this morning, just after the plumbing company called to say they were sending someone out. By the way, it is entirely too bizarre that this particular plumber's real name is Mario.

At any rate, I soon had a professional plumber on the roof snaking the air vent to grind through some trapped dead creature. (Same song, second verse, repeat of February 2003). This later turned into his disassembly of the cabinetry and wall of mirror in one of the bathrooms, while the toilet in the other bathroom was set off to one side on the soaked floor. (Two toilets, in back-to-back bathrooms, had become overflow fountains at about 3am.) The plumber's clearing of the air vent problem, being perhaps a bit too aggressive, became broken PVC piping under the fixtures, pouring waste water through new ceiling tiles into the basement.

Meanwhile, I had a crew in another part of the basement working on digging out a sump pump which had foundered in mud due to poor original design and 30 yrs of no maintenance. They had to haul in gravel through a window, one bucket at a time, to set up a filter for ground water in the crawl space, then put in a new sump pump, and route the exit pipe through walls, between floor and ceiling, then out the back of the house through the concrete foundation.

Ghost was here all day, thank the Powers. He was a sometime helper to the professional plumber when needed, and checked on the sump fixers periodically. But, his primary task was to babysit me while I came unglued.

I needed more bullshit with this house. I'm sure I did. Now if the Universe would just tell me why (and throw money), I might be able to recover from it.

Silver linings:
~ The plumbing problem could have been worse. Could have had the fountains overnight Friday night and been paying a plumber Saturday rates.
~ The sump fix was originally scheduled for a couple of weeks from now because the fixers were tied up on another job. But that would have further delayed me getting out of here. Glad to have it done sooner.

Good News elsewhere: Dad was moved out of ICU and may get to go home in a day or so.

I hope it rains this weekend. I hope we get torrential rains that would have ordinarily ended up as a pool on my basement floor. At least then I'll know if the sump fix works. Of course, it might have been nice to have slightly muddy rainwater to wash the toilet water off the concrete, but that's what mops and buckets are for, eh?

Oh, and the mortgage company dude was still calling for information today, even though the closing is scheduled for Wednesday... or was... now maybe Friday. Hope someone tells me when I do and do not need to drive 7 hrs one way to sign papers for an hour then come back to get a household moved, so I can make the drive again to unload, so I can came back again to finish cleaning and get a realtor to sell this house.

I've made a calendar and tentatively marked which state I need to be in on which days.

Now what was I saying about positive thinking? I'm trying, I really am. As noted, sometimes it's a lot of work.

Am I having fun yet?

~ Dad is still in ICU which we still think is a good thing. We'd like for him to be very stable before they move him out into a regular room. He's got good drugs. My sister said he's talking about all kinds of weird stuff but with his usual sense of humor thrown in. The ICU nurses love him, but then, who couldn't love my Dad? :) Thankfully ICU visitor rules force Mom to rest for a few hours in between. They'd rather be together all the time, but this is gonna be a long road and she needs rest. She's awesome too. I love them both more than I can express, which as you may have gleaned is a rare thing for me.
~ We're supposed to be closing on the new house on Wednesday, May 26th, so I'll be on the road for that. It'll be nice to actually SEE the house I'll be living in.
~ Sale prep and Move prep here are proceeding apace, mostly due to Ghost who is managing almost any handyman task as well as helping salvage my shredded sanity.
~ Spouse likes his new job even though they're going through a computer system upgrade. It's good in a way. He'll be as knowledgable as anyone else about it. He's as ready for us to be in our house, our home, as I am.

That's all for now. Back to work.

I've kept this topic out of my blogs because I didn't want to draw attention to it which might present opportunity for negativity. However, I hope that the crisis point has now passed, and being able to report it just that way makes it okay to speak about it now.

I know that sounds highly cryptic, but you'd have to know how I was raised and what I think I've learned about energy conversion to maybe understand how I've been dealing with this matter.

What is 'this matter'? My father's surgery. I choose not to detail more about it here except to say it was serious and got more so. All surgery is potentially life-treatening, of course, but the percentages are generally in favor of survival and recovery, else it isn't done. My father's surgery went mostly as expected but he had terrible pain and trouble in the three days following. Overnight last night, the doctors suspected more than ordinary recovery difficulties and took Dad back into surgery early this morning to find the problem and repair it.

Now I will do what I often do with a crisis: intellectualize and analyze. It's one of my methods of coping.

Why didn't I mention Dad's surgery before? I've only told a few people and not really dwelt on it. The 'unknown' factor of such an impending event tends to foster fear and worry. Unless we control our responses, dwelling on an upcoming challenge tends to draw negative thoughts. It is very hard for most people to visualize good outcomes, at least on the outset. If they can do it at all, they really have to work at it. The usual reaction to potential hazard is to think immediately of the worst possible scenario.

I understand that we are more powerful than we know and that when we visualize something very strongly, with a lot of emotion behind it, we can manifest it. We can bring our fears into being, if we're not careful. Fear and worry are natural reactions. We must acknowledge them, but to dwell in them is to lend energy to the feared outcome -- to fuel the fire -- and we may very well get precisely what we're afraid of.

In a really strange twist of ego, we'd almost rather be right about our fears, than to have a situation turn out better, and be wrong. We are embarrassed when we're wrong or when we've done something silly, like succumbing to fear over what turns out to be nothing.

I do my best not to fall into this ego trap. I do it with a lot of positive assumptions. Then if my ego gets involved in trying to prove me right, it's energy applied to a positive outcome and not a negative one. I am more likely to get what I want, and not what I fear.

I try to assume a thing will turn out okay, unless it proves otherwise, IF it proves otherwise. Most of my experience has shown that this method achieves more positive results. Of course, 'bad' things happen, but I generally have more energy to deal with them if I have not wasted it on fear and worry beforehand. I also believe very very strongly that things are never as bad as they could have been, so I have supported a more positive outcome, if not a completely positive outcome.

I am not afraid to be wrong about being positive. In a way, if I always look for the bright side, I can never be wrong, because there is always a silver lining, always. As my father says, sometimes you have to look really hard for it, but it's there. Sure it's a lot about attitude, about perception, but this is how the energy works too.

It is a choice. I can choose to buy into the drama of a life situation. I can choose to soak myself in the horror, in the hardship. I can take on the burden of terrible events and let them weigh me down until they nearly crush me...

Or...

I can choose to assume things happen for a reason and that ultimately the reason is positive, thus the effective outcome is positive, no matter what happens. I can push away the thoughts about the worst-case-scenario, recognizing those thoughts as merely fear responses and not lending them power over me or the situation. I can refuse to wear my fears or carry them around, proliferating them with woe-is-me talk or retelling the possible horror over and over.

I can choose to stand upright and face a thing with a challenge --- not a challenge to fate, but a challenge to me -- ala, I will find a silver lining, no matter how small it may be or how hard I have to search. I WILL find it.

Not surprisingly, the silver linings are always there. We see what we're looking for. We get what we're asking for. Sometimes I need help to make these conversions and that's alright. We all need each other. But I will not ask for others to feel sorry for me, or with me. That is a waste of my energy and theirs. However, I sure as hell can ask them to look for silver linings with me. I can ask them to help distract me so I won't dwell on the fear or worry. I can ask them to help me face a challenge with good thoughts and positive energy, and I sure hope I do the same when they come to me with their own challenges.

I have learned this from my parents and their parents and I don't know how many generations before them. I have verified it through my own life experience and from watching the way others deal with their challenges.

Early in life, we take on our methods of coping from those around us. Later, if we're aware, we can pick and choose our own set of methods. I am so very glad I had such a positive menu to choose from. I hope I demonstrate these options to others who may not have been as fortunate.

My parents continue to demonstrate their positive energy. Despite the trial of the last few days, I know I will ultimately hear my father tell how it all worked for the best. My mother will express how concerned she was for him at the time, but she will echo his sentiment. They will not belabor the hardships. They'll gloss over the potential tragedy, if they mention it at all. They will say it was not as bad as it could have been. They will both express their gratitude that he came through it.

I support their methods. In fact, I do my best to live by them. I focus on positive outcomes. I express my gratitude for anything beyond the worst case, and in such a way, I will likely never experience the worst case, because even in the most dire circumstance, there is always a silver lining. I will look until I find it and in doing so, I convert the negative energy of a situation into light.

My father is working his way back from a crisis. My mother is working beside him. My siblings are gathered around him to help too. I am not close by physically, but my heart is certainly there. I have called in friends to focus with me. And I have asked the powers that be to take care of my father and once again show us all the true power of a positive attitude.

Painting, although Ghost is doing the bulk of it. Shopping for a realtor to sell this house. Trying to get someone to at least give me an estimate for fixing the basement water problem. Shopping for a moving company. Stepping around and over boxes I'm packing myself. There's not a flat spot in the house that doesn't have stuff on it as I try to deal with all the remaining tasks, or unpacked odd & ends. Things that go with nothing else, go with each other?

Closing on the new house is still scheduled for May 25th. The move will be around June 1. I will be blissfully comatose for a few days shortly thereafter? hehe

June should be good for me. Mercury will have straightened up (May 18th, well before we have to sign house papers, which is a damned good thing 'cause a Merc retrograde can mess with that sort of stuff.) As of June 6th, Mercury will be in its home sign, my sign, Gemini, along with the Sun. That's all good. Everything should flow more smoothly, but then there's bound to be an easy period following this hectic mania.

I'm counting on it.

Saturday was a good day, despite the fact that the calendar has me in its grip. Those who do not know what that means are definitely not female. Now you may get my drift. BUT, I digress... Despite the calendar and the stress of this moving thing, I had a good day overall.

I was semi-productive, getting more things sorted and packed. Before I got into that, I had a couple of hours where I was about to fry. My mind is a whirling blur of things I need to do, want to do, cannot do yet, etc, ad nausem. But, the physical and distracting activity of sorting and packing, though dreaded, turned out to be therapeutic.

Later, I got to roleplay some. It wasn't terribly plot-raising or anything, but it was comfortable and fun. That doesn't happen a lot lately. It's partly my fault for not even making the attempt, but I find my patience is pretty thin for it. Maybe I'm an elitist, maybe not. I just know what I like and it seems hard to find. However, Saturday night was quite enjoyable. Made me want to be a regular player again. We shall see. There are possibilities. It certainly is nice to step into my character(s) skin and be someone else for a little while.

We are in the middle of a Mercury Retrograde.
Mercury started moving backward on the Wheel on April 6th in the sign of Taurus.
It stopped and resumed forward motion on April 30th, having dipped back into Aries a little.
Now Mercury will proceed forward until it catches up to its original path, completing the return on May 18th, once again in Taurus.

Things should go a lot smoother after that, especially in the realms of communication (human and technological), transportation, and computers.

House House HOUSE. I am doodling in PhotoShop, and in my head, furnishing and decorating a house I haven't even seen in real life. It's a 7-hour drive from here, so I can't stop by, I can't walk through it. I may not see it before I arrive there to let the movers in. I have several photos, a really lousy copy of the -possible- floor plan, and spouse's descriptions during the scouting walk-thru.

I am anxious, and yes, excited. I want to go there and START, but I can't do that until I FINISH here. It's perturbing. We're still wading through paperwork on the new house, like hunting up someone to insure the place since our present insurer doesn't/won't cover it. I dunno what all spouse is filling out and filing from that side.

And this water-nightmare here.... We've sprung a more vicious leak. Since Ghost appropriately filled in a crack in the cement floor of the basement, it has become obvious that the minor rainwater problem we thought we had here was actually major. Previously, the water was draining down into that floor crack. Now it's a standing pool with no where to go. Did I mention that the last two weekends have brought torrential downpours?

I called one of the popular waterproofing companies here to come give me an estimate. They say they cannot fix it. Fortunately they gave me the name of another company which -might- be able to do something. They also suggested that I check with our insurance company to see if there is coverage. They were doubtful though. So was the insurance company when I called. Then the doubt turned into a firm 'No' after the adjuster came for a visit. This is not good.

We do not have thousands of dollars to fix this problem AND put the down payment on the new house. We'll have to see what this other company says about the fix and do more logistical pretzeling to somehow get both houses done. There are options and we will find a way to work it out. I know this, but already I have a headache just thinking about what kind of machinations will have to take place before it's through.

My back is aching from all the juggling.

I need to hand Ghost some nicely scented oil and let him do some real handiwork?

Now there's a thought.

I have been given a marvelous gift which has kept on giving for the last few years and during this period of mania is a much-needed anchor of sanity. Although, to most people, the whole story might seem to border on the insane. While Spouse is already moved and I am here to bring the rest along to him, I have help.

A little history: In January of 2001, I went to a meeting of a local group which I'd found online through an email forum. The meeting was in a local billiard hall, which in this case is a good clean casual public place. Always a good idea to pick such a place for online strangers to meet. Nevermind the purpose of the group. I will only say that it had nothing to do with the real impact of that evening.

There was a huge full moon in the sky that night and I stood for several moments just to admire it before I went into the meeting. Then, I strode through the billiard hall toward a refreshment stand at the back where I could get a Coke. On the way, I looked around for the gathering I'd come to participate in.

I didn't really recognize such a gathering until I got my Coke then turned around to scan the hall again. I saw some folks who looked like a possibility and then I saw a man who made eye contact. He smiled and nodded. And I swear, the Universe winked. There was nearly an audible click, like puzzle pieces locking into place.

As I crossed to the gathering and this fellow in particular, I was nearly blinded. I had only vague hints of auras before, by sight. I mean, I 'feel' the auras of other people, sensing their general demeanor or emotional state. But this... was visible. This man had about a two-foot sparkling aura. Even staring right at him I couldn't have told you what he really looked like. I could barely see him through that shining mantle of light. It was marvelous.

As I came close enough to introduce myself and shake hands, I could then feel that aura too. I had an overwhelming sense of comfort, and somewhere in the background, familiarity. I had no clue as to who he was then, but I had instant trust and felt as though I could free-fall into his aura for perfect peace. I was sure that this meeting was something extraordinary, I just didn't know why.

Well, I emailed him and relayed pretty much what I've said here. I told him that if my hunch was wrong, I would never trust my intuition again. I was somewhat confident that he would be open to this little hoodoo boogity side of the meeting. The gathering had proceeded apace that night, and left no room for discussing my experience with the guy. As I said, the gathering had absolutely no connection to anything like what I saw and felt. It was not in any way a spiritual context. However, he and I sat together at that meeting and I think we were shoulder to shoulder the whole time, either touching or nearly so. We were drawn together like magnets, like two halves of one whole, or kindred souls.... though we said not a word concerning anything remotely related to such a topic.

To cut a long story short, he had experienced something too when we met. Unfortunately he didn't get to see his own light show. In the time since, over the last three years, we've spent a lot of hours discussing that meeting and just about everything else in the cosmos, across lifetimes, even millenia. We have some clues about who we are to each other. It is a gift beyond measure for us to be able to spend time together, again, in physical reality.

I must add that as deep as this relationship sounds, this man is not my spouse and not intended to be so in this lifetime. We have work to do, together and separately. It seems perfectly appropriate for us to do it from separate households with separate lifemates, etc. We're both fine with this. Our relationship does not destabilize our lives otherwise. In fact, in some ways, it provides strengthening and support.

I know this would be difficult, if not impossible, for a lot of people to understand, but I am secure in this relationship just exactly as it is. So is he. Furthermore, Spouse knows about this fellow and what we've been up to, at least the stuff he doesn't find boring or too weird ;) He is also fine with it.

Which brings me back to now. Early on, I nicknamed my friend and soul pathmate "Ghost". (Longer story there.) He has been able to come help me with all the things that must be done to this house to make it show and sell well. He has also provided moral support and absolute sanity preservation during this period.

I may later expound more on our relationship, but the main thing to say at this junction, and always, is that I am extremely thankful for Ghost and for this time we have together. No matter where we go from here, we will always have this, and we can store it along with all the other memories we have together from a past too long to recount. In truth, we are well aware that on a soul level we are nearly inseparable. I repeat, I am grateful.

So far, third time is indeed a charm. Our contract was accepted. Now we start jumping through the firey hoops of mortgage loan acquisition. However, we already did some preliminary work on that. While looking for a property, we shopped for mortgages and obtained a pre-approval, but at a really ugly interest rate. We have a better offer from a more local lender, and now that there's an actual property involved, there will be a bit more detailed paper shuffling.

My enthusiam is dampened by the struggle to get here, but, we do seem to be on the move, literally and figuratively. Our realtor is shooting for a May 25th closing, so I could actually be moved before my birthday on June 9th. I will expect serious celebration, although my idea of that may involve no more than a quiet evening of having to do absolutely nothing.

This also verifies my hoodoo boogity method of trying to find out where we'd end up. I used a pendulum for divination - back and forth for Yes, left and right for No. When I asked about several roads, back around the 2nd wave, I only got a positive answer on one road. So then why has it been such a hassle to find the house?

Well, as my soul-twin-sister Xan has recently pointed out, sometimes it's all about the question.

When I asked, I did not ask about a specific house number. I only asked about the individual roads. The property on the list at that time, on this particular road, was not acceptable when spouse went to see it. It had a fatal flaw, a feature we would not accept. I was very disappointed. I thought the pendulum had deceived me.

We looked at another property on this road in the next wave and again it had a fatal flaw. Again, I was disappointed. Now this is the first time I mentioned the divination thing to the spouse. I thought it was a failed experiment and told him a little about it, ala "I really thought it would be the one on ____ road". He doesn't really believe in my hoodoo booogity stuff anyway. He thinks I'm a weird woman most of the time :) and I have to agree, but we're both okay with that.

In this last wave on Sunday, I was open to any of the new list of properties to peruse. I knew there was one on THE road, but I was determined not to influence it other than assessment of the houses and lots on their own merit. It was actually Spouse who came to the conclusion that the most acceptable property was on THE road, and certainly not for that reason. He liked the look and feel of that one much more than the others. It met more of our list of requirements than the others.

So, it seems I got an answer, the road was right. Had I asked about the actual addresses, the answer might have turned out differently. I shall pose my questions more carefully in future, eh?

Now, on with the show....

There were seven, but four were quickly eliminated. The remaining three are close. If our primary house selection does not fly, then at least we have two acceptable backups. Tomorrow we're writing up our 3rd buyer's contract, on our favorite choice from the trio. Now we find out if 3rd-time IS a charm. Now we find out if my pendulum query to the universe is correct or not.

Oh. I didn't tell you about that? Well, this house qualifies for the 'answer' I got when I asked, in a hoodoo boogity sort of way, where the hell I'd end up living. We shall see. I am miffed. So I am being testy... with a test.

I'll let you know how it turns out.

Sometimes there's nothing better than a simple pleasure, like... a bologna sandwich with a juicy tomato. Don't give me any crap about what time it is. I've been up for several hours and I was hungry and the sandwich sounded good. Who cares if it's 'breakfast time'? I think outside the box! By golly, I can eat outside the box! So, nya. Guess what, You can do anything you want outside the box too. You either created your own box or accepted it. Thus you have the right to remodel it or burn the thing and rake the ashes. Hey, at least get a knife, cut yerself some windows, hang out of them with yer tongue lolling and ears flapping like a dog in a car. It's fun! Ever do that thing where you surf the wind with your hand? I like that better than actually hanging out of a car window. Too many tangles to brush out of my hair. (Am I scary yet? :)

Today, Spouse and the realtor trudge out into the wylds with another list of properties to peruse. We have reduced our requirements to a place to live which will be tolerable, including tolerable privacy, and a tolerable mortgage payment. Thus we hope to avoid renting and having to make a more immediate double move. In fact, we have tagged a few potential properties as simply "better than renting". Since we cannot find the house we want on the land we want, it appears we'll have to settle for just a place to keep ourselves and our stuff, then later buy some land and build. I shall be informed by cell phone as to the outcome of today's foray into the house hunt.

Relieved and disappointed. Our contract is out, someone else's is in. Back to the MLS listings. I think this is the 5th Wave. Maybe the 3rd offer will be a charm? I dunno. I am convinced that there is a house we are -supposed- to be in, ie, tied into the reason I'm being moved. Would be nice if the Powers That Be would drop me a line and tell me where the hell I need to live, eh? I'm game, but I don't like -this- game.

Okay, to set the stage... the spouse is in Northwest Arkansas, and I am in Southeast Missouri. I have to get this house prepped for sale and get our junk moved from here to there. Of course, before the move can happen, we have to buy a house to move into. Some of the sale prep has been occurring even while I've been reviewing houses to buy - remotely - thank goodness for the internet. Spouse has been driving around and/or touring the ones we've found that look good on paper (or screen). Very few of them look as good in real life. Nearly all of them have had a 'fatal flaw' which knocked them off the possibles list. Realtors are good at lying by omission and fairly creative at the camera work.

Despite all that, we found one, wrote up a buyer's contract. Apparently, so did another set of buyers. Then, the seller's agent did what is surely an unethical thing. It seems she presented both contracts to the seller at the same time, even though ours was reportedly drawn up first. Well, the other buyers did something we didn't, I guess, because they got the house out from under us. O... K... Fine.

Back to the MLS listings. More selections. More fatal flaws. That was the 2nd Wave.
Back to the MLS listings, hack half our wish list, get some possibles, weed the fatal flaws...
and we find another house which we're reluctant but desperate to buy.

BTW, Northwest Arkansas is loaded with properties and the prices are good but we absolutely refuse to live in a house that's only 10 ft from other houses, or old enough that there's a list of repair work waiting for us to take possession.

Anyway, we picked this house. Well, Spouse picked it more than me, but I've seen the pictures. It is brand new, no previous occupants. This is a bonus. It has a pretense of privacy despite being in a subdivision. Also good. It is also, in my opinion, too freakin prissy. The style of this thing (French Provincial) is SO not me that I found it depressing. Spouse says it's not all that frufru in actuality, but his taste runs that way so I discount his judgement.

However... I am also damned tired of the wild goose chase and so at this point I'm about ready to buy anything just to get this dog and pony show on the road.

Negotiations on the prissy house (or would that be prisseè?) are in progress. I am trying not to stress over this transition, but I feel like I'm stuck in a serious hurry-up-and-wait mode that can only get worse. FYI, patience is not my strongest virtue. I am not good at idling, but I also hate being forced into emergency mode. All of that is happening or likely to. The logistics of this thing are just too complex. I want to be done with all of this - yesterday!

So, to get things moving, literally, I hope we get this house, but even if we get it, I am not the happiest camper, because it's just too fancied up. It most certainly would not be my choice, if I had a choice.

Now, in order to soothe my jagged nerves a bit, I have gone totally anal retentive. I've made up a floor plan from a few pictures, a virtual tour, and Spouse's descriptions. I've tried to work our furniture into the spaces and determine where the holes are. I've also designed a color scheme to work through the whole place.

I guess I'm trying to convince myself that I can in fact tolerate this dwelling. Compared to some of the places we had to live in Nebraska, due to very small market, this really is not a hardship, but, it still irks.

I won't go into the furniture thing since you'd have to know how NOT suitable our furnishings are for this house, but I can fake it, I guess. However, I think my color scheme is clever and so I'll share it. I may use it in whatever house we end up occupying.

The overall theme is Seasons. Simple enough.
Great Room (living and dining): Autumn - earthy jewel tones, like nutmeg brown, hunter green, navy blue, rusty burgundy, and maybe even some eggplant purple tossed in
Kitchen: Summer - spice and pepper colors, ala sundried tomato, cayenne, oregano, cinnamon, with linens in unbleached muslin to knock the shine off all the frikken high-white cabinetry
Master Bedroom and Bath: Winter - going much cooler with whites and greys grounded with some black, then accented in more vibrant blue, magenta, purple
Guest Bedroom: Spring, but NO pastels... grass green, bright yellow, and other floral colors to fill out a wildflower sort of garden
Main Bath: also Spring, but I think maybe all those vibrant colors played out almost confetti-style, sort of a mix and match, little spots of all the colors here and there among the accessories

There's a 3rd bedroom which will be the office/computer room. I doubt there will be much of any decorating there. Gotta have a load of support furniture. BUT, if there's color, it will be purple, my favorite. Notice how I can work that into all the rooms :)

Throughout, I plan to soften and naturalize with shitloads of silk greenery.

And... that's more than anyone likely wants to know, but hey, it's my blog, I can blather if I want to, yes?

Now I await the outcome of the horse (house) trading process to see if we get this place which I don't really want although I've already virtually moved us into it.

I am always on a quest for meaning. I no longer believe in coincidence. There have been too many times when I've nearly been crushed... and exhilarated... by synchronicity. I have always been curious about the Hows and Whys, but since my spiritual awakening, this curiosity has become quite sharp. I am seeing more, and so I try to glean more from it.

I don't quandry too much over the everyday events that flow by. Too much to track. But I have no doubt anymore that every little thing is geared to the clockwork of the universe. I don't mean this in a predetermined or fatalistic sort of way, only that everything works under basic laws. There is action and reaction, as noted, and these tend to occur under principles of reflection and attraction.

In the synchronicity of microcosm and macrocosm, everything works similarly to the way atoms work. Molecules and human experiences form in the same way. There are exchanges or linkages which occur naturally to fullfill needs or create bonds. There can be separations and realignments as well. It's all about interaction, in the long run.

It's the stuff we hear bandied about a lot: Like calls to like, but it is also true that opposites can attract. What you do comes back to you. You reap what you sow. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Be who you want to see in the world...

There seems to be a difference of opinion on the ratio of what we get back, relative to what we send out. Some say one for one, some say three-fold, some say times ten, some say in spades. But the indisputable point is, we do get it back. It's not just comeuppance either, we get back goodness as well, if that's what we send out. Random acts of kindness are repaid. The more you give, the more you have...

The caveat is valid in any case: Be careful what you ask for (through your actions and intentions) because you aren't just liable to get it, you -will- get it, sooner or later.

It is true that we get what we need. It may not seem that way, consciously, but in the grander scheme, from our higher soul's perspective, we do indeed attract what we need. We draw unto ourselves the people and circumstances we want or need in order to follow our own spirit's curriculum. We attract aid for projects we intended to undertake in this lifetime, and so forth.

And that brings me back around to my quest for meaning.

Of late, the big quandry is this move. Why Northwest Arkansas? Why now? This is not a move I'd have chosen, but I am open to going where I need to go, where I can grow spiritually and do the most for the greater good. So, what is this move for? I know without question that it's about more than just a new job for my spouse. There were surely many jobs that would have suited in many places, but this is the one that panned out. So, I want to know why.

The signs, the syncs, have been very clear. It's the purpose or reason that's foggy. Alas, these things are too often like astrological or psychic predictions. They make more sense when we look back on them. Harder to see the details in the omens beforehand. But then, I guess it would be tedious to know the future at a glance. There'd be nothing left to do but play it out. I wouldn't like that, but sometimes it's aggravating to see the direction of my path and yet not know the reason for going there.

I have guesses. I am a freak for patterns. I see them everywhere. As the tapestry is woven I can almost guess the developing scene... almost. I pay attention to what catches my attention. Sounds obvious, but isn't. When I drive along a road there are innumerable signs here and there, but only a few will really jump out at me and grab my attention. If I ponder those for a moment, they tell me something about my path or about me.

And so I look around at the parameters of this move and wonder... what does this mean? What are these signs telling me? What is attracting me to this new place and these new circumstances? What does this adjustment portend?

And now for something completely different...

There is no Space or Time, only Change and the Interval(s) between changes.

Time is a convention we use to keep our experiences in a comprehensible order. We have developed concepts, like Past, Present, and Future, putting our experiences in a linear framework so we can function. But, these are only concepts. Time is an illusion. We are perpetually operating in the pivot point between Past and Future, so truly there is only the Present. We only really exist in the Now, always.

I suspect that Space, as in distance, works similarly. We only percieve a There. In truth, there is only Here. So we are really only functioning in a perpetual Here and Now. This is Einstein's relativity to the max.

For example: When you walk across a room, are you really moving across a distance? How far exactly? What direction? And how long does it really take? Remember that you are walking across a room in a building on the surface of the Earth which is rotating and revolving around the Sun which is rotating and revolving our solar sytem around in a galaxy which is rotating... and so on.

Where is Here and There really? You are where you are and that is always Here and always relative to everywhere else which is always changing, so there really is no There.

I further believe that our concepts of Matter and Energy are illusions. I believe there is only Energy and that Matter is simply a flavor of it, divided out as something different only because we perceive it that way. Perhaps what we think of as Energy is actually the dynamic (changing) behavior of Energy, while Matter is the more static (unchanging) behavior of Energy. Although on a universal level, Change is continuous. Nothing is ever really static.

The way I see it, the universe is not a vaccuum with dots of matter like stars and planets. The universe is full, always. It is full of energy manifesting in infinite variety, some of which we perceive as stars, planets, people, creatures, sound, scent, taste, thoughts, feelings, grains of sand, electrical current, magnetism, a breeze, sunlight, or the 'emptiness' of outer space.

I don't think the energy moves around. I think it simply changes. I think Einstein was right about Action and Reaction. I think this occurs in infinite ways throughout the universe and we only perceive a small part of this activity. We choose to do so while we play around with living these lives and having our experiences.

We are, ultimately, energy. We are segments of one singular energy which is all things, and all no-things, always. We are infinitely diversified portions of one whole which is the energy or life spirit of the entire universe. We are perpetually changing, experiencing, exploring, seeming to be separate but always interacting, seeming to be isolated pieces but comprising the whole. We are One. We are ourselves, but by being so we are also All That Is. We are collectively everything and, by gestalt, more than that.

We are manifestations of THE Energy which some have called God. But we are not subservient to it. We are not hierarchically inferior to it. We are it. It is only individual perception which makes it seem that we're separated out or that we're somehow underlings. Some of us choose to regard ourselves at varying levels in comparision to the All, to God, to the universe. However, nothing can be separated from infinity and the differences we are so quick to judge are merely diversity.

And our point of power, the place and time from which we express ourselves as energy... is Here and Now, always.

Previous change is part of who we are. We cannot re-change those changes. In effect, they no longer exist, for we are in the perpetual Here and Now. But, from where we are, from the Here and Now, we can effect what we perceive as Future.

This power may seem beyond our comprehension but it is well within our grasp. Moment to moment, we are as powerful as God, as the universe, because we participate in the whole of All That Is with every action and reaction. Yes, this may seem like a huge weight of responsibility, but at the same time, it is monumental freedom.

IBM. Officially these letters stand for International Business Machines. They were in the typewriter business before they got into the computer business and then the printer business and now they've dropped the printer biz into its own entity, LexMark. I know all of this because my father started working for them in 1956, I think, maybe 1958. Like many other early employees of Big Blue (nickname for IBM from their blue striped logo), my dad was hired on after a stint in the military. He was sort of a baby blue Marine and became a Big Blue manager, eventually.

It's an interesting coincidence that my father's nickname is Blue. In fact, he goes by it more than his given name. In fact, his IBM employee name tag even said his name was Blue. He got the nickname long before there ever was an IBM. I believe the story goes like this: When he was about 7 years old, he had a red bicycle, but insisted it was blue, not red. Somehow from that, my father was tagged "Blue" and it stuck. Some of his grandchildren even call him Pappaw Blue.

The coincidence gets thicker because my folks are serious fans of the University of Kentucky Wildcats, particulary the basketball team. Basketball is a religion in Kentucky, you know, and the UK Wildcats are known as Big Blue too. So, dad is just blue all over. He's a Big Blue fan, retired from Big Blue, having been a baby blue Marine and being known as Blue for over 60 years now.

But that's not the topic of this blog. *grin*

IBM, as an acronym, has been teasingly said to mean other things. From the geek world it's been Itty Bitty Machines, although most IBM computers were originally Infinitely Big Machines, great massive and mysterious boxes filling warehouse-sized rooms. From an employee's standpoint, IBM often meant I've Been Moved. In the early years as IBM expanded rapidly and opened up many new offices and plants, employees were often 'asked' to relocate, but trust me, there was only one permissible answer if you wanted to remain employed with them. Fortunately my father was not asked.

So finally, I get to the point of this blog... sorta.

I am Being Moved... again.

I was born and raised in Lexington Kentucky - Bluegrass and Thoroughbred country, Home of IBM's Office Products Division at one time, Home of LexMark (named so for fairly obvious reasons), Home of the University of Kentucky and the Big Blue Wildcats of NCAA basketball fame.

I lived there until I was 35 at which time my fairly new spouse had a job change that moved us to Nebraska (which I have not-so-fondly called Neptune, but all of that is for another blog). After a 3 year stint on that foreign soil, we were moved again, this time to the Home of Rush Limbaugh, ie, Cape Girardeau, Missouri.

And now, I am being moved to Northwest Arkansas because spouse has taken a job there. You might be thinking that he's in the military or something. He isn't. He's in the automotive business. He's a general manager. Just because there is a cluster of auto dealerships in every town in every state across this country... doesn't mean there's always a job where you want to be.

So, we are moving. I am being moved. But I have an inkling of what these moves have been about, besides the obvious. I will expound in another blog. In the meantime, I'm eyebrow deep in prepping a house for sale in one state, finding a new one to move into in another state, and trying to keep track of what state my mind is really in. Right now I'm thinking it's a rather harried and confused state, but such is the way of these transitions.

I'm Being Moved.

Time test. I can see that wherever this server is, it's not in my timezone, so... we experiment. Aaaaand we discover that it must be in the Pacfic timezone. Aaaaalrighty then. See you in a couple of hours.