Friday, March 30, 2007

I'd sure like to know what all this frustration is supposed to be teaching me. I don't feel as though I'm learning it.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Okay, I'm booked at least, finally. Hope the timing is right, ie, the boa constricture handling is close enough to the takedown surgery that it doesn't constrict again before I put it to use.

Going for the stricture fix on April 5th. Spouse is taking the day off to run me up to Albuqq for that. It's an outpatient day thing. Then, will have some orders for pre-op stuff to get done in LC within the next week (bloodwork, xrays, EKG). And finally, the long awaited surgery is scheduled for April 24th. Mom and Dad are coming in for that since I will be in hospital for a few days then may need care at home for a few more.

I'm counting on all of this but not completely. Nothing since the first of the year has gone as planned or expected, so... Where's my salt shaker? I may need more than a grain. My 'first of March' reversal has turned into 'end of April' which is only two months but seems much longer to me.

In the meantime, I have successfully whiled away the hours and days with free games on MSN ( Amazing collection of time killers there. I've also loaded my laptop with a copy of Bicycle Casino and Card Games I had for my desktop. All of which should help keep me busy when I get into chemo too, especially if they have internet access there. Most hospitals do, especially those connected with a university (ala NMSU). There's a tip. If you're desperate for a 'hot zone' for internet or cell network, hospital parking lots may be useful. :)

RE: Chemo... I've been reading more on that too. Adjuvant (post-operative) chemo is intended to be insurance. Even though the surgery supposedly removed all the cancer, which had been killed off and shrunken by neo-adjuvant (pre-operative) chemo and radiation, there could be undetectable micrometastases (some free cancer cells floating around). So, the adjuvant chemo is intended to knock those out and further ensure that I am cancer-free and have no recurrence.

If I explained all or some of this before, my apologies. It keeps coming back around in my head and, as is the way with blogs, it spills out here.

PS - Guess how many games the Zone had when I jumped in to play today? Anyone? Anyone? ...555

PPS - Mercury retrograde is over as of today! Smoother road from here, I hope, I hope, I hope...

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Good News! Got an email from Ghost this morning. He's back in the States! Not quite at his home yet, but very soon. Regardless, he's no longer in Baghdad, or even Iraq, and that is wonderful. Back from the war all safe and sound.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Things that make me smile? phht Too numerous to mention, although #1 on that list would be babies or very small children. To see a wee child, too young to have learned anything bad or unlearned their pure spirit... Yeah, I smile because they're precious whole souls, new to this world, and I hope my smile welcomes them. They have chosen to incarnate (again? :) and I wish them well.

How about... Things that transport me? A light cool breeze on my face and through my hair, bright silver moonlight, a close encounter with a friendly and/or beautiful creature (deer, rabbit, lizard, turtle...), rain in sunshine, the soft whisper of wind through trees... Okay, nevermind, that's actually a long list too.

Things that grab my heart and fill me with such joy that it wells up in my eyes... There are surely others but one particular type of thing has been doing that lately. I am most affected when I catch someone doing something good or selfless for another person, even in fiction. Whether it's a random act of kindness, like letting a person go ahead in the grocery line, or something more contrived but done with no expectation of reward, such a thing really touches me. Even better if it's anonymous and desperately needed by the recipient. Fiction counts because at least someone is thinking that way and others are witnessing it.

Always I hope that the recipient understands how to 'pay it forward' and that in fact their benefactor is paying forward for some act of kindness they have received. Just "from the goodness of their heart" works too, of course.

Why does this touch me so much? Because I so achingly want the world to work that way. Catching an instance here and there tells me... it can.... it is... not everywhere all the time, but sometimes, here and there. It's hope.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

     More flowers for my virtual garden. Daylilies are my favorite kind of flower, not just the orange, but their wide variety of colors. As I told Joyous, I think I began to love them because of the tiger lily patch in my grandmother's yard when I was a kid. The tiger lily's orange was only slightly brighter than my hair, and they were freckled, like me. I felt pretty strange about my appearance when I was young. I fit in perfectly with my family but not so much with the rest of the world. I guess the tiger lilies made it seem alright to be orange and freckled.
     Day Lilies often grow wild, volunteering to grace otherwise empty spaces in the landscape. I like that. They're a nice surprise. I also like cala lilies. Their single petal in a delicate curl demonstrates the pure elegance of simplicity.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Do you know me? 10 question test to find out ---> HERE

Create your own Friend Quiz here

Friday, March 23, 2007

I will say this for the desert... when stuff comes up, it comes up fast. I heard about the water coming fast; that's what the arroyos are for. I now see the plants are opportunistic as well. I suppose they must be to survive long periods without a drink. Carpe diem, eh? Seems the plants around here spring up under even the briefest of sprinkles.

Yesterday I was looking out at bare-limbed pecan trees lined up in bare dirt. My view has been the same since I got here in mid-January. Today, after a quick and light shower of rain, I can see buds covering the tree limbs and there are lines and lines of something green growing beneath the trees. (Weeds I'm sure, but hey, it's green!) Plus, some of the scrubby stuff in between our house and the grove has suddenly sprouted yellow or white blooms.

It's not like Home or the more lush river and mountain areas where I've lived, but it IS the Rio Grande river valley... and it's greening. Right on time too, eh? I mean, Spring just sprung officially a couple of days ago. Good on ya, desert.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

I lifted this from a MapQuest banner which wasn't even an ad. It said nothing, just showed these daisies and I liked them, so I'm planting them here too :)

Oh my, the Shroom at large :) Heaven help Reno. hehe
Have a great time and yes, what happens in Reno, stays in Reno... okay except for sharing any juicy bits with the Sisterhood because "It's the Law." *grin*

To the tune of Leaving On A Jet Plane... with apologies to the late John Denver...

All my bags are packed I'm ready to go
The dogs are barkin' at the door
I hope they woke you up. I said, "Come ON!"
'Cause the dawn is breakin'; it's early morn
The truck is waitin'. I'm blowin' the horn!
Already you're so tardy, you may die! (*evil glare*)

So Skip, get your ass out here!
Pack it up or leave the gear!
Time's awastin', get out here! Let's GO!
'Cause I'm leavin' (with a migraine)
Don't Eee-ven try to stall again,
Get in! What makes you men so slow?


Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Movie Review: The Island is Logan's Run meets Coma? Pretty good actually. More chase and adventure than suspense, but still an interesting premise and reasonably executed.

Learned a new word through this movie too - agnate. It's being used more from its origin than the modern definition. Merriam-Webster says "a relative whose kinship is traceable exclusively through males, a paternal kinsman" but that wouldn't apply to the females, would it? The original latin isn't so heavily laden with our western patriarchal history: "agnatus, from past participle of agnasci to be born in addition to, from ad- + nasci to be born". Sure sounds like 'clone' to me. Interesting.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Phht Looked up from fiddling with items on my Google 'home page' and the clock read... 4:44... yep yep yep

Playing a freebie version of Family Feud. Sure, I got lots of different scores, but when a 555 showed up it caught my attention. Yep... yep yep yep.

Surely the following review from an item is intentional word play. I cannot imagine the circumstances under which an individual would be able to form sentences using reasonable grammar without being able to spell more than a few words correctly. I had to actually pronounce this butchery aloud to glean what this bloke is saying. Says he's a writer! May be dyslexic. English should be his first language as he listed himself as Paul Campbell in Healdsburg, CA. Maybe he's a pre-teen (or preschool???) GADS! I always wonder, 'If you write like this, how can you read anything written correctly? How would you ever recognize the words and do you not see the difference between what others write and what you... don't?'

Quote from review for Galaxy of Games 5000 on (and he's written several others with the same... um... style):
"when i got the games i startid to play them. thay are grate and thers no way you can play them oll. so you wont haf to wurre ubout runing out. i yous them hwen i wont a brake from riting. i rite fore a wial then play a game then go back to riting. i recomend thes games fore enny one hoo wonts to brack uway from a project fore a litel wiall and then be abell to go rite back."

It hurts. Truly. Slays me. Please tell me he's just jerking around.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Very nice day today, very relaxing. Spouse took me out on a golf date. I don't play, but I went along for the ride. Golf courses tend to be peaceful and beautiful places, and around here it's a rare patch of lush green. Loved it. Got some sunshine and although it was probably pushing 80°, there was always a breeze and some shade within the cart. Spouse and I also enjoyed dinner on the clubhouse balcony, overlooking the 18th hole which has a fountain. Bonus was the company. I do enjoy just hanging out with spouse. Like I said, very nice day, all around. I won't do it often because it's a 4-5 hour stretch in a golf cart, but now and then, on a gorgeous day like today... oh yeah.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Your fate has been decided...
You are one of the lucky ones! Because of your virtue and beliefs, you have escaped eternal punishment. You are sent to the First Level of Hell - Limbo!

First Level of Hell - Limbo
Charon ushers you across the river Acheron, and you find yourself upon the brink of grief's abysmal valley. You are in Limbo, a place of sorrow without torment. You encounter a seven-walled castle, and within those walls you find rolling fresh meadows illuminated by the light of reason, whereabout many shades dwell. These are the virtuous pagans, the great philosophers and authors, unbaptised children, and others unfit to enter the kingdom of heaven. You share company with Caesar, Homer, Virgil, Socrates, and Aristotle. There is no punishment here, and the atmosphere is peaceful, yet sad.

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

Friday, March 16, 2007

Boa constricture appointment is set for April 5th. Yeah, it's a three week wait. However, that does push it well outside the influence of muddled Mercury. He'll be flying right and that should help things go more smoothly. Hey at this rate I might get a reversal for my birthday... in JUNE. Nevermind it was supposed to be over the first of March. My fault for moving cross-country in the middle of all this, I guess. Wait, that wasn't under my control either. Hmmm...

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Grasping at straws, er, stars, er, planets. Mercury retrograde occurring in Pisces-Aquarius-Pisces. In my case, it's crossing back and forth over my 6th House cusp. The 6th House concerns Health, Daily Routine, Fitness, Duty, Service to Others. So, since Merc's renegade run began Feb 14th, that could explain the medical delays, foul-ups, miscommunications, added complications over the last month. Good news is that Mercury will fly right after March 28th. Bad news is that Mercury won't fly right until after the 28th.

The F'd sedative and torture day was March 8th, the redirect day. I tried to pretend that wouldn't affect me. Well, it obviously did. Typical of Mercury's style, the ultimate outcome is usually okay, it's just a helluva lot of trouble getting there. Obstacles, ya know. Mercury tripping over his own winged feet.

The boa constricture thing should be scheduled in the next week or two. I sure hope it's not on Wed, March 28th. Remember, I usually get hit at the beginning, redirect, and last days of a retrograde. But, I sure don't wanna (not that the Universe has paid much attention to MY wishes for a while).

Sleeping. Sinuses kicked up a cough and woke me up. Dark room except for spouse's alarm clock. Red LED numbers glowing out of the blackness. 5:55

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Obs-tack-ulls. Gotta hear it as spoken by the old blind oracle on the railroad in O Brother Where Art Thou? Yes, obstacles. Gotta do 'this' but can't do it til ya do 'that' which first requires the other thing... and so on.

Warning: I am about to rant. It's going to make some people worry about my state of mind because you don't often hear this sort of thing from me. Well, I think it, I just don't express it much. I usually fight it with silver linings and sunshine, converting the darkness to light. However, when my batteries are run down, it's much harder for me to make the conversions. So, no matter what you read into this, it doesn't mean I'm about to slash my wrists. Just means I'm venting more than usual.

Warning: TMI follows...
The radiology showing no leaks also showed a stricture, which I am unaffectionately calling a boa constricture. I saw it on the screen, seeing as how the freakin sedation did not work and I was awake for the torture.* (Yeah, I left that out before. Trying not to be negative, but even I have limits.) The surgeon was aware of the stricture but not the extent (length), thus he erroneously said it could be fixed while I was out for the reversal but now it appears the boa constricture will have to be dealt with prior to the reversal, in a whole separate 'incident' and in Alb, no less.

I am SO wanting to wrap up this phase of my life. I never thought of this as a 'from now on' thing. For me, this cancer deal was just a bump in the road. Granted, it's a big damn bump, but still a bump. It's beginning to feel like a major detour and I can't find my way back to the highway. It started out as a big deal, and while the big stuff is done, it's turning into a long drawn out ORdeal.

I am pissed. I am tired. I can only be positive about bad shit for so long before it starts to really wear on me. Thus, I am worn. (<< See that's what I was warning about. Don't call a hotline. Someday I'll get past it.)

Had the cancer removed but got an ileostomy. Gotta takedown the ileostomy but have to do a leak test. Got the leak test done, but there's a stricture. Gonna have the stricture handled but gotta get the reversal done before it starts to close up again. Gotta recover from the takedown before starting chemo, blah blah blah.


[* I stood my ground, insisting on sedation. Procedure was rescheduled to allow for it. We had agreed on 5mg Versed which should have done the job. However, they gave me 1mg and waited. No effect. They gave me a 2nd mg and waited. It was enough to make my words slur, apparently, but I knew it wasn't enough to do the procedure. So, I continued to insist that I could feel everything and they were torturing me, but they thought I was just talking through the drug and wouldn't recall it. I recall EVERYthing. When I got out of there and into Recovery I was PISSED. I didn't need recovery because I was never OUT, and I said as much, nastily, to everyone in earshot. --- This is the particularly perturbing thing. I DID my part. Everyone/everything around me failed... and I was helpless to change it. ]

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Dang you people. These things are like viruses for which I apparently have no immunity? :P

You Are a Dreaming Soul

     Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world, so much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time. You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all... But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult.
     You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses.
     Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life.
     Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Wrote up "Life in the Desert" to print and snail mail to the fambly back home, but if you're interested you can read it too HERE. It even gots pikachers. Oooooo

Aw, dangit. I had two days without it, but it's back. I'd been catching the time but it was off, like 1:08 or 1:14, 2:23, 3:54, etc. I actually grinned every time and thought 'Hey, it's NOT a triplet!' I thought maybe it was gone. However, 4:44 just got me.

One interpretation just says 444 means my angels/guides/etc are close by. The other says they're saying "No" to whatever I was thinking. Well, I was thinking the numbers had stopped pinging me. Guess that's a big Negatory.

Heh, the time change could be used to excuse it since 4:44 would have been 3:44 but because the time change technically occurred at 2am, well, the 4:44 looks legit, reckon.

It's not like I feel plagued by some demonic power or whatever. I find the numbers interesting. I'm just plagued by curiosity because I still don't feel I've figured out for sure what the hell they mean.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Well, Em, my 'List' is likely to change daily. Depends on my mood(s) and the movies I've watched most recently, and so on. However, I think I'd always go for a little variety; I am a Gemini after all. :) Truly there are several folks I'd love to spend an evening or weekend with but for social or mental intercourse as much as other intimacies. *grin* I actually had well over a dozen names jotted down but narrowed my current list to these fellows. I realize these guys are almost all too young or too old for me, but we're talking fantasy, right? So... not necessarily in pecking order...
Johnny Depp
Jeremy Irons
Matthew McConaghey
Morgan Freeman
Antonio Banderas
Viggo Mortensen
Oded Fehr

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Good news, albeit unofficial: no leak! The radiology Dr said the xrays showed no leaks. That won't be official until the surgeon in Alb gets the pictures and sees for himself, but the rad doc seemed very sure about it. SO... barring any unforseen obstacles, we should be scheduling my reversal very soon. I'll give the surgeon til Mon or Tues to receive and read the snapshots, then I'll start pinging him for confirmation and a schedule.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Searching guide on tv for something to watch. Found suitable program scheduled to begin at 6pm. Hmm... How long til then? Looked at clock. 5:55

555 from same interp set says: Buckle your seat belts, because a major life change is upon you. This change should not be viewed as being "positive" or "negative", since all change is but a natural part of life's flow. Perhaps this change is an answer to your prayers, so continue seeing and feeling yourself being at peace.

Riiight. Fasten your seatbelt, but be at peace.
O. K.
I think I've had about all the major life changes I can handle. I'm just trying to get back on track now.

Today was good and bad... or bad then good. After discussions between me and LC radiology staff, between them and Alb surgeon and staff, etc... we sorted out what the complete order for the procedure -should- have specified. I stood my ground. I was insistent. I wasn't going to allow anything until all was clear.

So... this morning turned out to be a clarification visit. I will return early Thursday AM at which time I'm supposed to be treated as I want, and the radiologist is supposed to get the pictures as the surgeon needs them.

Not exactly how I thought my intentions should have manifested, but I guess it could ultimately work out to the same thing. I'm glad they could get me rescheduled so soon. I'm a little concerned about the execution of the above since it will now occur on March 8th, the day Mercury stops and redirects. Hmmm. That's your birthday, Ghost. Care to donate a wish?

You are The Magician

Skill, wisdom, adaptation. Craft, cunning, depending on dignity.

Eleoquent and charismatic, both verbally and in writing, you are clever, witty, inventive and persuasive.

The Magician is the male power of creation, creation by willpower and desire. In that ancient sense, it is the ability to make things so just by speaking them aloud. Reflecting this is the fact that the Magician is represented by Mercury. He represents the gift of tongues, a smooth talker, a salesman. Also clever with the slight of hand and a medicine man - either a real doctor or someone trying to sell you snake oil.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Sitting in the living room, being a media junkie by watching tv while web surfing. Was half-watching the telly and waiting for a page to load on the laptop. Happened to glance at the clock. 1:11

I've read on a few websites that the triplets may be related to whatever is on one's mind at the time the triplet occurs. Also, the triplet itself may determine the effect of one's thoughts at that moment. Up til now, I couldn't have said what I'd been thinking when a triplet occurred. My prior thought(s) have been wiped out by one thought: There's another one! WTF is up with the numbers??

But this time (haha time 1:11) I caught myself. Other than idling while waiting, I was thinking about Tuesday's appointment of course. I've been running that frikken program in the background since the surgeon's mention of the procedure on last Tuesday, and even moreso since the appointment was scheduled. I have incessant imaginary conversations with the surgeon and the radiologist rolling around in my fevered mind.

My thought was about insistence. I insist on being treated as I want to be treated for the procedure and I insist that the results of the test are good, positive, conducive to proceeding to the next step, ie, the reversal surgery.

Reportedly, 111 is like the Universe taking a snapshot of one's thoughts (desires) at that moment and manifesting them. I don't know if I really believe it. I wonder who figures out these correlations. However, I'd certainly like that connection to be the case. I'd like for the Universe to stop laughing at the joke played on me and start sorting it back out so I can get over it.

I'm also hoping that the $1.11 at the post office, used to mail the remnants of the AR house to the realtor there, will be manifested as the sale of that albatross. I could get on with paying the mounting heap of medical bills and start doing things to -this- house.

Damn but I seem to keep bitching about the same things over and over. I guess I can't help it, the same things are still vexing me.

The time now is not a triplet, but I'd like to impress another thought upon the Powers That Be --- DO something about this irritation phase that's running rampant. I'm not the only one on edge about crap and I'm not the only one who is tired of being on edge. Let's back off the sandpaper treatment and just let things be smooth for a while, eh? sheesh

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Talked to Ghost today. He's still in big bad Baghdad, but preparing to come home soon, probably within a month. He's been able to call me every week or so, and we've been able to pass emails back and forth a bit. His birthday is coming up on the 8th and for a few months we're even, then in June I'll pull ahead one year. Ah, well, nice having a fine fellow chasing me. ;)

Already having to work to keep my brain blender from whipping up a frenzy over Tuesday's appointment. They will just have to find a way to do it without traumatizing me, and of course, the results will just have to be right so we can proceed.

So let it be written, so let it be done. *curt nod*

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Productive day, which is always good. Received some work from my web clients and got that done. Emptied a few more boxes and distributed their contents. And then, I napped. A well-balanced day all around. :)

Friday, March 02, 2007

I've been feeling sorry for myself a bit. I know I'm surely due such moments, but I don't like them. I guess I don't like them for the same reason I have them, it's about something not going the way I want it to. This round is about progress or the lack thereof. Same bitch I blogged about earlier, as in frustration over being stalled out with selling the AR house, furnishing the new one, and getting my body back to something like normal. The main reason for this self-pity party though is the body biz.

I have been discombobulated since before the E/R visit in Nov 2005. It's now March 2007 and I'm not finished. In my pity state, I start wondering if it will ever be finished. I wonder how I may function imnmediately after this upcoming surgery and during the following six months or so of chemo. I wonder if I'll ever again not have to worry about a leaking or full pouch, or displacing a chemo connection, or having an 'episode' in the middle of a grocery trip or on the road. Will I get to sleep with my husband again without worrying about apparatus getting squished or a body malfunction? Hell, I wonder how long it will be, if ever, that I'll get to take a long soaking bath or an uncomplicated shower. Will I get to wear fitted clothes without showing gear or 'insurance'? Will I be able to resume the successful eating plan again, the great plan I was so happy with in the summer of 2005 before it got so horridly derailed?

For the first time in my lifelong battle with weight and body image, I was getting somewhere! I felt I'd found a solution to my problem and it was getting me where I'd long wanted to go. And then, for the first time in my life, I got into this continuing medical mess.

I know, I know... I should be grateful that I will survive a bout with cancer, that it's been a fairly easy battle comparatively, that I've never had health difficulties before, that this bypass thing isn't permanent, that I've had so much support and love... and I AM grateful. But, sometimes, like now, when there's a lull in the forward motion, it's like the battle weariness I've pushed aside descends heavily. I want to be free of this thing, done, over it, past it.

There IS a little progress. Surgeon's nurse called to let me know the pre-surgical leak test has been scheduled for next Tuesday, and in town here so I don't have to make a trip to Alb for it. If it goes well (perfectly) then the surgery can be scheduled.

But, for now, it feels like slow heavy steps. And in this mode/mood I am worried that the test won't go well and there will be further delays. Dang, I hate what this wallowing does to everything. It's like the opposite of rose-tinting; everything looks black from here. bleh

Once again, if I'd have been smart, I'd have asked for more patience when I signed up for this curriculum before reincarnating.

Oh well, I know from experience that I will get over it. I will cycle out of the dumps and see the sunshine again. After all, even from here I know the light is always there. Sometimes my vision is too cloudy to see it... but... the clouds do clear.