I've been feeling sorry for myself a bit. I know I'm surely due such moments, but I don't like them. I guess I don't like them for the same reason I have them, it's about something not going the way I want it to. This round is about progress or the lack thereof. Same bitch I blogged about earlier, as in frustration over being stalled out with selling the AR house, furnishing the new one, and getting my body back to something like normal. The main reason for this self-pity party though is the body biz.

I have been discombobulated since before the E/R visit in Nov 2005. It's now March 2007 and I'm not finished. In my pity state, I start wondering if it will ever be finished. I wonder how I may function imnmediately after this upcoming surgery and during the following six months or so of chemo. I wonder if I'll ever again not have to worry about a leaking or full pouch, or displacing a chemo connection, or having an 'episode' in the middle of a grocery trip or on the road. Will I get to sleep with my husband again without worrying about apparatus getting squished or a body malfunction? Hell, I wonder how long it will be, if ever, that I'll get to take a long soaking bath or an uncomplicated shower. Will I get to wear fitted clothes without showing gear or 'insurance'? Will I be able to resume the successful eating plan again, the great plan I was so happy with in the summer of 2005 before it got so horridly derailed?

For the first time in my lifelong battle with weight and body image, I was getting somewhere! I felt I'd found a solution to my problem and it was getting me where I'd long wanted to go. And then, for the first time in my life, I got into this continuing medical mess.

I know, I know... I should be grateful that I will survive a bout with cancer, that it's been a fairly easy battle comparatively, that I've never had health difficulties before, that this bypass thing isn't permanent, that I've had so much support and love... and I AM grateful. But, sometimes, like now, when there's a lull in the forward motion, it's like the battle weariness I've pushed aside descends heavily. I want to be free of this thing, done, over it, past it.

There IS a little progress. Surgeon's nurse called to let me know the pre-surgical leak test has been scheduled for next Tuesday, and in town here so I don't have to make a trip to Alb for it. If it goes well (perfectly) then the surgery can be scheduled.

But, for now, it feels like slow heavy steps. And in this mode/mood I am worried that the test won't go well and there will be further delays. Dang, I hate what this wallowing does to everything. It's like the opposite of rose-tinting; everything looks black from here. bleh

Once again, if I'd have been smart, I'd have asked for more patience when I signed up for this curriculum before reincarnating.

Oh well, I know from experience that I will get over it. I will cycle out of the dumps and see the sunshine again. After all, even from here I know the light is always there. Sometimes my vision is too cloudy to see it... but... the clouds do clear.