Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Obs-tack-ulls. Gotta hear it as spoken by the old blind oracle on the railroad in O Brother Where Art Thou? Yes, obstacles. Gotta do 'this' but can't do it til ya do 'that' which first requires the other thing... and so on.

Warning: I am about to rant. It's going to make some people worry about my state of mind because you don't often hear this sort of thing from me. Well, I think it, I just don't express it much. I usually fight it with silver linings and sunshine, converting the darkness to light. However, when my batteries are run down, it's much harder for me to make the conversions. So, no matter what you read into this, it doesn't mean I'm about to slash my wrists. Just means I'm venting more than usual.

Warning: TMI follows...
The radiology showing no leaks also showed a stricture, which I am unaffectionately calling a boa constricture. I saw it on the screen, seeing as how the freakin sedation did not work and I was awake for the torture.* (Yeah, I left that out before. Trying not to be negative, but even I have limits.) The surgeon was aware of the stricture but not the extent (length), thus he erroneously said it could be fixed while I was out for the reversal but now it appears the boa constricture will have to be dealt with prior to the reversal, in a whole separate 'incident' and in Alb, no less.

I am SO wanting to wrap up this phase of my life. I never thought of this as a 'from now on' thing. For me, this cancer deal was just a bump in the road. Granted, it's a big damn bump, but still a bump. It's beginning to feel like a major detour and I can't find my way back to the highway. It started out as a big deal, and while the big stuff is done, it's turning into a long drawn out ORdeal.

I am pissed. I am tired. I can only be positive about bad shit for so long before it starts to really wear on me. Thus, I am worn. (<< See that's what I was warning about. Don't call a hotline. Someday I'll get past it.)

Had the cancer removed but got an ileostomy. Gotta takedown the ileostomy but have to do a leak test. Got the leak test done, but there's a stricture. Gonna have the stricture handled but gotta get the reversal done before it starts to close up again. Gotta recover from the takedown before starting chemo, blah blah blah.

BLAH!dammit
There.

[* I stood my ground, insisting on sedation. Procedure was rescheduled to allow for it. We had agreed on 5mg Versed which should have done the job. However, they gave me 1mg and waited. No effect. They gave me a 2nd mg and waited. It was enough to make my words slur, apparently, but I knew it wasn't enough to do the procedure. So, I continued to insist that I could feel everything and they were torturing me, but they thought I was just talking through the drug and wouldn't recall it. I recall EVERYthing. When I got out of there and into Recovery I was PISSED. I didn't need recovery because I was never OUT, and I said as much, nastily, to everyone in earshot. --- This is the particularly perturbing thing. I DID my part. Everyone/everything around me failed... and I was helpless to change it. ]

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