FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST! THANK THE ALMIGHTY, I'M FREE AT LAST!!

woohoo!!
Typing this entry at the computer table in the temp digs! About to have me a snack and then a sit on a real sofa, a real shower, then a nap in a real bed!!

I
AM
PLEASED :)

Love and Blessings to Y'all,
Diana

Sorry for the slow update but I think I've had a pretty good excuse... yeah, laptop keyboard. (hehe) Seriously, I've had enough wits about me and felt good enough to blog before now, but really-really-really miss my desktop keyboard! Oh yeah and still fighting my cultural heritage... mouse vs touchpad.

SO...

Admitted on Wed 6th

Surgery on Thurs 7th, way early, took about 4 hrs (expected) and I don't recall a lot of Thurs. I suspect I'd rather not anyway :) (gotta love anesthiology)

Was in ICU (expected post-surgery) til Saturday afternoon. Mostly floating in and out of a few realities :) and trying to wake up the body processes, like, oh, breathing and such. Never any doubt I'd get there but road wasn't always smoooth.

By Sunday night, main deal was some gastric fluid build-up crowding my lungs. TMI, I'm sure, but I had a whole lotta nasty liquid built up that was gonna come out no matter what. Didn't take me long to decide that head-in-a-pink-bucket was not the way to go. Despite my prior imaginings on the discomfort of an NG tube, when I needed the relief it gives, I really didn't care about what I had to put up with to get it.

Soon, I mean like, within hours, I was feeling good and got gooder and goodest and better and bestest. I just turned a corner and began to improve by leaps and bounds. Plan was to increase diet from clear liquids to regular everyday stuff. I my systemm the newer sleeker model :) handled it okay, then I'd likely go home Saturday the 16th.

And then, dangit, on Friday I began a series of uncontrollable to-the-bone chills by virtue of ugly fever spikees, ie normal to 102+ in minutes, with a bit of effort to knock it back again.

Discharge date shot, of course. Brainstorming ensued for cause of fevers and diagnostics for a bit. My surgeon's best suspiscion is that putting everything to sleep and waking it all back up may have aggravated my gallbladder/stone. He's gonna run that theory and get some opinions from surgical pals while treating me with antibioticsm etc.

IF Rogers can get my system to calm back down, we can postone gallbladder surgery til I get the ileostomy reversed (two birds AND a stone hehehe). I like that plan. Furthermore, it could be done in NM shortly after the first of the year because my surgeon knows and trusts a guy he went to school with who is in Alberqurque.... only hours from my new home and my husband!

So sometime in January, Mom & Dad would bring me back though here, follow up with doc, get my car too, travel two days to NM in good pre-surgical condition.... then get the reversal done, the gall bladder out... and finally.... living in NEW house with MISSED husband.

I'll have chemo treatements for another 6 months but they can be easily done locally.

whew...so... there it is.... waiting for verification of the plan then release to go home to Ky for the holidays and.... onward and upward from there!

Here goes!
Surgery Thurs AM and then on with the healing!
Cancer OUT and then I'm gettin' back to good.

Update in brief:

- packers doing their thing this Wednesday, loading truck Thursday, delivery to NM due on Dec 4th

- checking into hospital on Dec 6th to prep for surgery on morning of Dec 7th; likely in hospital for about a week, then another week before travel to Ky

- will get out news on the success of my surgery asap but don't panic if it takes a while (Bill ;)

- am now moved into temporary quarters, apartment for me until surgery, for Mom & Dad to use while I'm in the hospital, then for me with them until released to travel (probably on Dec 22nd)

- sorry, but no Christmas presents from me this year except for nieces/nephews and parents... just too much going on

- YOU, and you all know who you are, must not send me anything either, 'cept maybe get well cards. If that, then see Skya for appropriate address to parents' house. Don't want to publish it here or on Yahoo group.

- will be in Ky til lesser surgery at end of January, then on to NM... finally

Mom & Dad's renewal wedding ceremony and reception were fan-freakin-tastic! My siblings and their spouses were the groomsmen and bridesmaids. Their children were Jr of same and both the boys and girls ushered in guests. The youngest male grandchild, Spencer, was the ring bearer. The youngest girl grandchild, Royce, was the flower girl. So the bridal party and MVP guests ranged from Royce (3 yrs old) to Grandma (95). It was all perfect... the weather, the crowd of visitors, the food at the reception, etc and so on.

Mom and Dad were SO precious! I'll have pictures to post later, but trust me when I say that Mom had found the perfect white lace dress and Dad was a stunner in his black tux. They exchanged adjusted vows and rings, then read parts of song lyrics to each other ("Remember When" by Alan Jackson).

My sister created a slide show for the reception. It was a joyful tear jerker. She had pictures of our family from the whole 50 years Mom and Dad have shared together. My niece had compiled three CDs of music Mom selected, oldies and goodies for background and dancing at the reception.

Mom was a queen for a day, with her handsome king by her side. It was definitely an event of a lifetime. Everyone who participated and attended knows exactly how terrific these two people are. Their praises were repeated and echoed all day.

I caught a lot of attention since Mom and Dad have apparently been telling on me and my condition. Loads of folks told me I looked great (I think they expected death warmed over? hehe) and that I am in their prayers and good thoughts. I soaked it all in. Can't hurt, will likely help ;)

Now I gotta get rested up from all that excitement and travel so I can manage the movers at the end of the month and the surgery the next week.

Sorry for my extended awayness, both here and on IRC. I've been feeling pretty good except for being tired. I assume this is my body restoring the good cells lost in the chemoradiation therapy. As such, I have been trying to eat properly plus supplementing with vitamins and plenty of water, as well as lots of sleep.

Had an appointment with the surgeon today. The plan is to admit me on Dec 6th for prep then surgery on the morning of Dec 7th. I will not accept any negative connotations from that date :) With the help of anesthesia, I may get to spend 3-4 hours on a peaceful beach in Hawaii though! hehe

Before dawn's early light on this upcoming morn, I will be getting on a plane and heading to Ky for Mom & Dad's 50th Anniversary weekend. Very much looking forward to that! and being Home. I've been away since Labor Day weekend. Too long, despite Mom and Dad's visit in October. I'll be flying back on Monday, the 20th.

Incredible coincidence tomorrow, my middle brother (who is coming in from KC) and I will be on the same connecting flight from Memphis to Lex! I look forward to traveling with him. I don't get to see him often.

One more thing, for which I ask sincere prayers and best thoughts... The surgeon cannot guarantee I can be put back together to function normally, ie, there is still a possibility of a permanent colostomy. I know that with my will I would eventually learn to deal with that, if that were the outcome, but with all of my being I ask for a better result. I know there must be changes, but the possibility of that change seems almost too much for me to contemplate. It's just something I won't know, cannot know for sure, until I wake up from the surgery. Please wish with me that I receive good news.

Great News! Today will be my last radiation treatment. I already got rid of my chemo fanny pack on Wednesday. So, I'm finishing Phase I.

Bad News: I am fried, cooked, burned, blistered... in my most tender parts. I didn't know it was possible to have such seering pain while urinating and still be conscious. Seriously. Despite a whole collection of various creams and regular doses of narcotic pain relievers and functional sedatives, one cannot pee on open blisters without incredible pain.

I'm reminded of the Cold War days when idle debates led to wishes for being at ground zero in the event of a nuclear blast. Absofukinglutely a good idea. Getting vaporized would be much favorable to trying to live with radiation burns. I speak now from experience.

I am ready for healing to begin. I am ready for the break I get in November. I'll deal with the surgery when it gets here. For now, I'm focused on recovering from what has already transpired.

Funny comebacks ;)

Why are you scratching yourself so much?
I'm the only one who knows where it itches.

I didn't ask to be born!
You didn't wanna stay where you were, did you?

I have never been so insulted in my life!
You haven't been out much, have you?

Weekend was rough. The cumulative effect of the radiation has finally made itself known by pretty much burning my tender bits in the irradiated area until I'm raw. Using suggested creams and ointments but they're not managing it. Got a script today though for some Vicodin. Doesn't resolve the root cause of the problem but fixes my brain's pain receptors so I don't care? hehe Actually, even that isn't completely alleviating my discomfort, but it's much more tolerable.

Fortunately, I'm on my next-to-last week! So I'll do what I gotta do to get to the end of this phase. Was prescribed 30 radiation treatments --- only nine left! Only two more batches of chemo and the last one will be shortened to conclude at the same time as the radiation.

New information, at least to me: Vicodin, Lortab and some other 'good drugs' are actually the same thing... hydrocodone with acetaminophen. Hydrocodone is a synthetic opiate (opioid) derived from two naturally occurring opiates, codeine and thebaine (aka paramorphine). Hydrocodone is a Schedule II narcotic and potentially addictive, physically and/or psychologically.

Firstly, I didn't realize that codeine counted as an opiate.

Secondly, I'm being careful with my use of this stuff so 1) I don't have to fight an addiction later, and 2) it will still have full impact after surgery when I will need more serious pain killing.

Thirdly, the only difference between Vicodin and Lortab is 5mg vs 7.5mg hydrocodone. There's another version with 10mg. Not sure why they did that. I mean, I can get the same quantities with 1, 1.5 or 2 of the 5mg.

And finally, I imagine I'm rambling on about this shit because I'm on Vicodin right now! hehe

Four of six weeks of chemoradiation completed! Amazing how fast this seems to be going. I've picked up a side effect, extremely tender skin in the radiated area, but I was forewarned and I'm taking the suggested measures to mitigate that.

This is going so well so far that I'm tempted to ask the chemo oncologist if I'm in some kind of secret control group and only getting a placebo. I mean, I've had no noticeable effects yet which I would attribute to the chemo. The only thing I've seen is a bit of change in my blood levels, but I don't -feel- those. *knock on wood* Hope I get to the finish with so little effect and that the post-surgery chemo goes as well.

I really think attitude is a primary factor in coming through this thing. I still feel very positive about the treatments because I'm -doing- something to get cured. I feel good about the whole game plan, not only for my body but for the household moves, etc.

I just feel good, despite all the associated discomforts that are still there and are developing. I'm not saying I'm up to full energy like a completely well person, but damn I feel great for someone with cancer and getting chemoradiation. My attitude has got to help. In any case, it's easier to live through it all with an upbeat attitude than if I moped around all day dreading what may be next.

I thank my parents for giving me the skills to accentuate the positive. It's about the most valuable coping mechanism I have for all of life, and especially through a period like the current one. It works ;) I highly recommend it.

Half done! 3 weeks down, only 3 to go on the chemoradiation regimen! Then I get a break for most of November to prepare for surgery the first week of December. So far, so good. Minimal side effects, none of it as bad as I've had it for the 9 mos prior... and... this is the road to wellness.

I'm MIA online this weekend because Mom and Dad are in for a visit!! They're checking up on me as well as here to help me get the house shined up for an Open House on Sunday. Great to have them here of course and good for them to see I'm not wilting away. ;)

Completing my 2nd week of rads and on my 2nd round of chemo. That's two down and only four to go ;) So far, so good. As yet I'm experiencing no more discomforts than I had before we started the cure. TMI: I'm able to go better, ie, no longer requiring chemicals etc for the most part. So, there's some evidence of progress. Every little bit helps.

I have a growing collection of cards, letters, email and messages from well-wishers. Also very helpful. More than nice to have a posse of positive support ;)

YAY! Two whole days... Don't have to be anywhere. Don't have to do anything. Don't have pending appointments that might hold more ugly surprises. Next week should be relatively calm. Mon-Fri rads, Wed chemo pump refresh, and one dr appointment but that should just be a checkup on the port wound. Tuesday a rep from NorthAmerican/Allied is coming to estimate the household pack and move.

If you're interested in the whole game plan, I've color-coded a CALENDAR for this awfully big adventure, marking my many circles of activity. It's really for my reference, but if you're curious, you're welcome to check it out.

And now we have added a fanny pack with a chemo pump in it. A very narrow tube runs up to the port on my chest/shoulder so the 5-FU can be applied 24/7. Thus, I'm set and Phase I is in full swing, six weeks of radiation and chemo. wheeeee

I think I'll be the Bride of Frankenstein for Halloween. My white roots are showing. I have blue-green skin in places where the bloodwork vamps bruised me. And, I have fresh stitches on my shoulder (from the port implant). *GRIN* I'm all ready! muahahahaha!

We're on our way! First rads today. Didn't feel a thing, just like they said, and it'll be a few weeks before it accumulates enough to cause even the reportedly mild side effects. Very glad to be on the road to wellness though. I'm sure that, like a bruise, it will get worse before it gets better, but ultimately I should be healed.

You know, I've felt rather blindsided by this deal, but then I realized....
No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!
hehehe

The current game plan, for any who may be too curious for their own good. :)

Phase I: Six weeks of chemoradiation therapy, ie daily radiation treatments Monday thru Friday plus continuous infusion of chemo (5-FU) with pack recharge on Wednesdays. Purpose: Containment and shrinkage.

Phase II: Four to six weeks rest period.
Purpose: Allowing good tissue to recover from chemoradiation, ie heal somewhat prior to surgery.

(During this time I'll be going home for a long weekend to celebrate Mom & Dad's 50th Anniversary by participating in their renewal wedding ceremony and reception (on Nov 18th). Tentatively planning to then return here and have the contents of this house packed and moved to NM the week after Thanksgiving.)

Phase III: Surgery, likely to occur the first week of December. Temporary ileostomy performed during surgery. Concurrent follow-up chemo.
Purpose: Removal of threat, resection, temporary stoma to allow thorough healing, and chemo to backup surgical remedy.

(Mom & Dad will come here for the surgery. Planning to go back home to Ky with them and have them keep me over Christmas and as long as possible until I have to be back for follow-ups, etc.)

Phase IV: Reversal of ileostomy likely to occur near the end of January.
Purpose: Hopefully, resumption of normal life. Hopefully able to finally join my spouse in NM.

And again for the more morbidly curious or cancer conscious, my most current diagnosis is T3 N0 M0 with a possible T3 N1 M0. Not 100% sure about the Node involvement, so they're covering my bases and treating me as if it's N1, just in case.

Here's a good page to explain the Staging (T3 N1 M0)
http://www.nccn.org/patients/patient_gls/_english/_colon/3_stages.asp

Dang, I have homework this weekend. Got whole notebooks from NARTI (radiation therapy place) and the oncologist (incl chemo treatments). A lot of the info is just image builder stuff, ala welcome and staff and whatever. But there's also some practices and procedural info I should probably read.

My last task this week was having the chemo port installed, ie, the implanted jack for my fanny pack device that will deliver the chemicals through continuous infusion. Too bad I can't use it as a computer interface too *weg* Ah, well. Someday. hehe

The port is in about the same place as an STNG personal communication device. "Beam me to the 24th Century! Where cancer is a footnote in history or cured with a hypospray!"

As one might expect, the focus of my life has shifted. Though in true Gemini style, I have two: treating my ailment and moving/swapping houses.

My new mantra is: I have cancer, it doesn't have me. (And definitely will not -get- me.)

I am just concluding one of the hardest two weeks in my life, but it wasn't all that terrible. There were moments, but the rest was mostly gleaning new information and juggling logistics. I'm good at both. I've also had a great helper right by my side, as mentioned. And, I have great auxilliary support from friends and family. The medical professionals I've seen so far have also been really good for me and with me.

I imagine that this sort of adjustment must be like any other big adjustment. I mean, when you have a child, everything changes. When you make a big career move or add a spouse or whatever, everything changes.

This is a change, a big change, but I'm usually pretty flexible and I certainly have strong incentive, so I'll adjust, am adjusting.

Good news is, it doesn't last forever. There are peaks and valleys in the activities and ultimately it should become a backdrop to my life. I think I can handle that. And of course, I am not handling it completely alone ;)

Thus, onward.

More after meetings with other docs, but news from Radiology sounds pretty good. Clinical Stage is T3 N0 M0. T3 basically means it's a pretty big area and into layers but not outside into other tissues. Good thing. N0 means it doesn't appear to have gotten into lymph nodes. M0 means it's not metastisized, ie, not spread to other organs.

Treatment is going to be radiation plus chemo. Radiation will be M-F for six weeks. Not sure about chemo specifics as yet but will be concurrent. Point of all that is to shrink and mostly eliminate tumor and cancer cells. Today's doc said radiation and chemo should get about 90-95% of it.

Then, three to six weeks after last radiation, giving time for healing, I'll go in for surgery. Almost redundant at that point but should pretty much guarantee we got it all.

Rad doc said my prognosis is really good. He said I should be able to look back in five years and say, "Yeah, I had cancer once."

Looks like I'll begin radiation on Monday. I told them I want to get this show on the road.

Incidentally, my new local buddy and I got along famously, like old friends. She's only a few years younger than I am. We enjoy each others' company. She decided to go with me for tomorrow's appointments too! Terrific deal. Wonderful good samaritan!

Nicely rainy day today. Maybe that sounds strange, but I enjoy a good long steady rain now and then. The sound of infinite raindrops on all the leaves in the forest surrounding me is just marvelously soothing. I can almost feel the refreshment of such a drink Nature is getting. There's the occassional punctuation of rolling thunder in the distance and a heavier burst to the shower, but that too feels good. I like the raw power of a good thunderstorm. It energizes the air and somehow energizes me too. Bring it on! And in the meantime, soak me in the soft sound of a cool steady rain. *happy little sigh*

Angels. I have those three meetings coming up next week. My GI's LPN is who delivered the news of my condition. She had already arranged for the three meetings. While on the phone, she asked if my husband might accompany me to the meetings. I explained that he's in NM at his new job. My folks are of course in KY, though they came in to be with me for the colonoscopy. I explained that I don't know another soul in NW AR.

So, the LPN asked me to allow her to escort me at least to the first meeting. She's off on Tuesday and said she would be honored to pick me up and go with me, serving as a second set of ears, etc.

I am thrilled and amazed. I could make the meetings myself, but to have another person, a relative stranger, offer themselves for this duty... it thrills my soul. She is an angel, sent to help me in my hour of need?

Not only was she infinitely compassionate with me over the phone, but she's going to spend her day off holding my hand for a surely tedious and likely stressful appointment?

This angel's name is Laschell. I hope she gains many brownie/karmic points for this. She most certainly deserves them.

I am grateful.

Well, they say "Into each life a little rain must fall." Appears my umbrella isn't working. Guess I'll be making good use of my silver lining detectors.

"When the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger:
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood..."
~ Henry V by William Shakespeare

...unto the breach...
Appointments next week with a radiologist, a surgeon, and an oncologist.

Had the colonoscopy. It really was a breeze since I was totally out of it, don't recall anything other than wanting to keep on sleeping in recovery. Felt all warm and quite pleasantly fuzzy, so I was a little perturbed that the nurse kept waking me up by asking if I was awake. hehe

The doc added some more stuff to my day: blood work, cat scan and chest xray. He'd taken some biopsies during the colonoscopy. Yes, that means he found something. I would have been rather disappointed if he hadn't. Good to know there IS some explanation for what I've been struggling with these last nine months. Yes, there is always the possibility of cancer but there is also a greater possibility that it's all very benign and just needs to be handled. Even if it's cancer, it's the sort that can be treated and in fact vanquished.

Once all the labwork and pathologies come back and the doc has a chance to review them (probably next week), then we'll know more about what's what and how to proceed.

I've already been told that I do not have diabetes, no infections are indicated, my potassium level is good, I'm a little anemic but not enough to cause any concern, and my chest xray was good.

In the meantime, I'm okay with whatever else may or may not be. I am not going to borrow trouble or burn bridges til I get to them ;) Until I have a definitive diagnosis and game plan options, I'm assuming the best.

All y'all who love me simply must take the same attitude. It's an order ;)

Insulation, drywall, garage door, exterior sheeting... More progress!


Master Bedroom door and windows out to backyard overlooking the pecan grove.


Slowly I turned, step by step, inch by inch... I think that's from an Abbott & Costello sketch, maybe Three Stooges?

Monday: clear liquids and abusive chemicals
Tuesday: colonoscopy

Not a fun week, but looking forward to having a fully functional body again.

This week has been very hectic for me. Seems that my ailment takes up so much of my thoughts, time and energy that if anything gets added, I'm swamped? I've had house things to do, doctor appointments, and now I gotta get packed so I can hop on (IN! :) a plane in a few hours. Going to hang with the fambly over a long Labor Day weekend. It's time for Grandma's reunion. eep, Gotta leave the house in showable condition too.

So very sorry for online absence. The sleep is great, but I do wish the timing was better. Apologies especially to my favorite lunatic ;)

Hey, Shroom, you watchit, woman. The world can't stand for both of us to be discombobulated! ;)

I'm flying back Tuesday evening. See ya on the flip side.

Progress! We have a roof and exterior walls and windows and the rooms are studded out. From slab to shell in two and a half weeks. Pretty cool.

Another EAS incident to report. Got a normal test today at 1pm, verifying how it usually goes. Midweek, midday, the channel changes to 2, EAS appears on the box. When the test is over, previous channel returns.

But, on Monday evening the flipping thing occurred again. It's only the second time I've seen it. This time the box was flashing... EAS... 9:16... EAS... 9:16... EAS... 9:16...

A system glitch the cable company has recently developed? Or a date to go with the 3:33 attention-getter I saw before?

*shrug*

Status: Waiting for build. Waiting for sale. Waiting for gastroenterologist appointment. Cymbalta is working to reduce the pain to nearly nothing and knocking the edge off the aggravation. I guess I'm basically idling as time passes.

It could easily be a year before I get sorted out. This is all a lesson in patience? Got the call from the gastroenterologist today. Earliest available appointment just for consultation is August 29th. I guess if anyone suspected I was in danger, they'd be in a bigger hurry, right? So, I carry on as is for now.

Health Brief: Started the process. Saw the GP who is referring me to a gastroenterologist. Then I guess we start all the diagnostics (aka torture?). If it gets me fixed up, I guess it will be worth it.

ow Ow OW! This pains me. It slays me. It's butchery and I know it's a common mistake but I can't help being injured by it. I learned proper English and I can't stand it when someone hacks it!

I caught a major error on the Discovery Channel. Granted, the crime was not committed by one of the presenters, but still, can they not edit??

"Renee and I's job is..."
MY GAWD!! Renee and I's???
Oh, I cannot tell you how torturous this is to me. It cuts me to the quick. It is SO bad, I feel physically injured.

"Renee's and my job is..." dear ones. That would be the correct assemblage!

It's SO easy. SO freaking easy to test the use of such things. Just take out the 'and' along with the other name!!!

Subtract "Renee and" until you are left with "I's job..."
Is this not obviously a fuck up?
Isn't "My job..." the more common sense, better sounding option?
I mean, if you must combine "My job is..." with "Renee's job is..."
Doesn't it make more sense and just sound better to say "Renee's and my job is..."??!?!?!
Ugh! Shoot me now. I cannot tolerate such vulgar abuse of the English language as "Renee and I's job is..." I simply canNOT.

"Johnny and me went to the store..."
NO. "Johnny and I went to the store..."!!
Remove "Johnny and" then it will be painfully obvious whether one should use "I" or "me", don't you see?
"Me went to the store" is obviously wrong, yes? (Please say Yes!)
"I went to the store" is correct, thus "Johnny and I went to the store" is correct.
How easy can it be?? How woefully ignored is this simple test?

"Her and I..."
*vomit* NO NO NO
"SHE and I..."
"SHE and I..."
"SHE and I..."
She did. I did. She and I did.
It is desperately easy to determine what should be used!

Oh, save me from vile acts upon the structure of English. I will grant that it is a difficult language, but are we not schooled in it for years? Did the majority sleep through those endless lessons in grammar and sentence construction?

Help! Please, someone, reassure me that there are a few English-speaking people who were awake at some point during their education!

*ahem*
<rant mode off>

Dammit. Okay, remember the 1:11, 2:22, etc? I'm still getting them. Still can't figure out what the hell they're supposed to mean, if anything. I finally started to find them mildly humorous and I generally just shake my head when they show up. However....

Firstly, what used to be called the Emergency Broadcast System is now apparently called the Emergency Alert System or EAS. Cox is my cable and internet company. When they test the EAS, they take command of the decoder box, flip to channel 2 where presumably there would be announcements in a real emergency, and the box display sits on EAS until the test is complete. They usually test around noon on Wednesdays. During the test period, you cannot change the channel, it stays on 2.

Tonight, I'd been watching one of my all-time favorite movies, 2001: A Space Odyssey. TCM then started 2010. Bonus! I had just been thinking at the end of 2001 that it would be nice to see the sequel again as well. I settled in to watch.

Suddenly, the movie was disrupted. I thought for a minute it was a commercial break but it was a terrible place to stop the scene, right in the middle of a character's sentence. But, it wasn't a commercial. The channel flipped to channel 2 (which happened to be Becker). Then the TV screen started flipping back and forth between the TCM channel and channel 2, several times.

I looked at the cable decoder box display.

It was flashing too. Oscillating back and forth between...

EAS and 3:33

What the fuck does that mean? Sure as hell looks like a big arrow. Certainly caught my attention in a dramatic way.

After the thing stopped flashing, and operation of the cable box returned to normal, I checked around...
There is no severe weather in the area. In fact, the doppler radar is completely clear.
I don't see any other emergency conditions in the area, in the US, or in the world that would prompt such a thing.
There were no announcements on channel 2. Becker played on.

It would be extremely strange for Cox to test the EAS at such an odd time and on a Sunday night / Monday morning.

So.... What is it? Once again, I scowl at the universe and demand information, clarification, a freakin clue... If they wanted my attention, they have it. I am listening! What??

That's all I could think while watching my TV screen flip channels and the cable box flash... EAS... 3:33... EAS... 3:33... EAS... 3:33... EAS... 3:33...

Can't be a date. There is no 33rd day in March. It was 3:33am on a Monday morning.

What IS it? What does it mean? And what am I supposed to do about it?

Home Sweet Home, so far...

Face-on view. Garage, utility room, kitchen and dining room on the left. Office, guest room, bathroom, sitting room and master bedroom suite on the right. Front door through to living room in the middle. Looking through the house toward our backyard view which is the pecan grove behind us and a whole lotta sky.

I must say, for the record, I love my parents SO much, I can barely contain it. Nevermind what prompted this expression, I just had to express it. They are marvelous beyond words.

I have an insurance card in my hot little hand!! HALLE-FREAKIN-LUJAH!! Good as of Aug 1. My preferred local provider IS on PPO list! I'm gonna call to see if they can get me in even sooner than Aug 17. But in any case, help IS on the near horizon! And I am GRATEFUL.

Your pirate name is:
Mad Jenny Rackham
Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. You have the good fortune of having a good name, since Rackham (pronounced RACKem, not rack-ham) is one of the coolest sounding surnames for a pirate. Arr!

Reminds me of a joke cheer:
Rickem Rackem Rockem Ruckem
Get that ball and really... fight!

I don't know if it's getting worse or just feels that way as I approach possible help. Maybe it's the cumulative effect? I can put up with just about anything for a short period of time, especially if there's a scheduled end to it, a target date after which I shall be released. But this thing has been with me for so long I am definitely worn down. I was already frustrated when I finally hit critical mass and went to the E/R on Nov 17th. Now, at the end of July, I can feel the whole weight of eight months of struggling.

Once again, I'm supposed to have insurance available in August. I've already made a doctor appointment for Aug 17th. Hoping I'll have cards or at least relative membership numbers and such by then. Hoping I really can get service here with the insurance, even though spouse and employer, ie source of insurance, are in NM.

Hoping something can be found and fixed quickly (and with minimal torture).

In the meantime, I'm pretty miserable, as I have been for long months, but slowly progressing into 'moreso'. I'm tired. I'm trying all my tricks for relief and they are less and less effective. One can only spend so may hours in the bathtub, on a heating pad, taking OTC pain relievers, and of late, drinking. Tired, very tired. Counting the days.

Update on Ghost in the fray: He's doing well, still enjoying the adventure, but then he can find a way to enjoy wherever he is and whatever he must do. It's part of his magic. Fortunately he's away from Baghdad and Fallujah, the really hot spots. I get calls and emails from him every week or two. It's interesting to get to talk to him so much. I had feared that there would be very little communication. Thankfully things have changed a lot. Technology affords a lot more interaction, even from a war zone.

Ghost asked me to surf for info about a symbol that's all over the place there -- an 8-pointed star. He wasn't sure if it was a religious symbol or what. It's included in wrought iron gate designs, in brick patterns along wall headers, in the shape of fountains, etc. Absolutely everywhere.

After a bit of investigation, I discovered it's a symbol for Saddam Hussein...
"By decree, one of every ten bricks laid in the renovation of an ancient palace is now stamped either with the name Saddam Hussein or with an eight-pointed star (a point for each letter of his name spelled in Arabic)." -
'Tales of the Tyrant', The Atlantic online

What an ego, eh? No wonder Iraq is having trouble becoming its own entity. Not only are there religious and cultural factions jockeying for position, but they've been oppressed and saturated with the presence of tyranny so long they probably can't even dream beyond it.

And while I'm in the region and on a quasi-political rant... Israel deserves to do whatever it must do to secure its home. As one writer recently put it, all their neighbors seem bent on ridding the planet of them or at least making them move.... but to where? They've nowhere else to go. It's stand and fight, or be eliminated. How can we not support their efforts to survive?

Whether any other country chooses to aid Israel or not, I sure hope they do not try to tie their hands and force them to submit to further persecution. At some point, their neighbors must understand that enough is enough, let live... or die.

I'm long past tired of the bumpy ride. I want some smooth easy sailing.

Spoon vs Shovel. It's been a marketing thing and a manufacturing thing. Since nearly the beginning of our industrialization, the makers of products drove the market like sheep. "We made this here handy Model A. It comes in black, black, or black. You need it. Buy now." The products expanded but until recently our options were still dictated to us by the production lines. We had three TV networks because three companies decided to go into broadcasting. We had short skirts when the manufacturers chose to make them, and long skirts when they decided they wanted to sell us something different. They all pretended they were trying to follow the trends, but were in fact setting them. The point of their manipulation was to keep changing the big picture so we'd have to refocus and buy... more, different, better.

This... is changing. We're no longer content to let corporations feed us with a shovel. Just because they make it, does not mean we need it. Just because they made a new model, doesn't mean we can't stick with the one we have, thankyouverymuch. We're moving from macro to micro. Just look at the proliferation of micro-breweries, not only for beer, but for bottled water and soft drinks too. Producers don't have to find the drink the world needs, just a drink with a market niche that's sufficient to keep them in business.

Indie films are another example. Blockbusters still come along now and then, but not necessarily from the big studios. They can no longer accurately guess what we want, not that they ever really did. We just chose from the limited offerings. Now, we can go to the multi-plex and pick from among umpteen films to satisfy our more individual entertainment desires. We have 150 or so channels to chose from on cable or satellite, including movies, so we don't even have to leave home.

It's quite an interesting twist really. Seems that we started the whole industrial revolution because necessity was the mother of invention. Then for a while, invention was the mother of necessity. (We make it. You gotta have it.) Now we, as individuals, are beginning to say... "You know, I think I'd like to have...." and searching for someone who makes it or does it. Even better, many creative folks are starting to say... "You know, I'd like to make or do..." and as soon as they begin, a market may appear. If we don't like what the brick and mortar stores are selling or can't find what we're looking for, we can surely find a supplier online.

And that's what it comes down to, I think, communication. We had narrow channels of communication, often bound by limited geographic reach. The reach expanded with radio, then TV, then broadened with cable and satellite. All of that helped connect the world, but when the internet was born, it helped connect individuals across the globe.

We started at the bottom, grassroots ideas growing into big manufacturing and top-heavy bureacracies. Now the upper echelons, too far removed from the fray and trying to chase (or dictate) the will of the masses, may be disintegrating. The masses are becoming more like the individuals they truly are. They're exerting their preferences and distributing their power and influence. We're getting back to grassroots. We're making and demanding change from the bottom up and we're no longer willing to support the superstructures. Now that we can deal more directly with each other, we don't need them and don't appreciate how they have tried to rule us.

We become the superstructure. We are the net. We can build, make, do, be... as individuals... within the larger framework that is Us.

I'm not saying it's all going to be an easy transition. Restructuring rarely is. But, I think it's progress and I'm glad we're growing up.

An Inconvenient Scare Tactic. Eco-nazis annoy me. In fact, I wrote a rant which I may post later. For now, I like this quote I found:

"Arnold Schwarzenegger is blaming man for global warming. And today Al Gore agreed with him. That's so typical, two cyborgs blaming the humans." ~ Jay Leno

It is rumored that I am on the verge of obtaining medical insurance again through Spouse's employer, finally. It is also rumored that I will indeed be able to schedule medical assistance here in NW AR. I sure hope these rumors are true. I've been struggling for nearly eight months now and I really just can't take much more. I'd also like to get all this sorted out and repaired before I have to do the move.

Positive thoughts welcome. I need to get fixed up. The longer it goes, the more worn out I get. I can put up with just about anything for a little while. It's been a long while, a very long while.

Locus of Control Test Results Internal Locus (58%) External Locus (42%) Take Free Locus of Control Test personality tests by similarminds.com

"Your results suggest you tend to believe that internal factors (ala decisions, internal drive) will define you more than external factors like genetics, fate, luck, and environment. ... Thus, you have an Internal Locus of Control."

Back in Arkiesaw. Stayed in Kentucky longer than I had planned but I had no reason to hurry home. Once again, must say that I love love love to spend time with my family. My parents are such good company. We're more like old friends than parents and child now. Thoroughly enjoyed the time I spent with Mom and my sister while planning and shopping for the wedding. My niece (the sister's daughter) was with us for part of that too. She and I are quite taken with each other ;) Mutual admiration and appreciation.

Had two Sundays which meant two gatherings at the folks' house with most of the siblings and their kids. ALWAYS a good time. Always.

I stayed so long partly because I didn't want to miss going with some of my family to see Pirates 2. We managed to get in on opening day. It was about as good as the first one, I think. One of the links I have with the niece above is that we are both very smitten with Johnny Depp. He was all of his former Captain Jack self and more. Boy, they have a lot of loose ends to tie up in Pirates 3.

Also saw Superman Returns, which was disappointing, imo. Too much recapping on the front end. Wrap-up was rather abrupt and morally pretty sad for a char that's supposed to be such a goody two shoes. On the good side, the actor playing Superman was okay and suitably similar to Christopher Reeves. Kevin Spacey was also a good Lex Luthor.

Saw Cars too, which was very clever, funny, and had a good story. The most fun was figuring out who did all the voices. Quite a star-studded vocal cast. I can imagine that the animators had great fun playing with the car concept. It comes across very well in the film.

House update: Spouse went last Thursday and Sunday to check the lot. Starting to see progress. The builders have laid the footprint, so I can tell they've oriented it just the way I wanted. We'll have a great view of a big pecan grove out back. They're laying all the water lines in preparation for pouring the foundation. We're actually getting somewhere ;)

Okay, enough for now. I'm still recovering from the drive, catching up on email etc, doing laundry, and so on. Thus, I sally forth....

On the road again. Gonna be Home for a week. Always good. Leaving the house in 'show' condition. Maybe we'll get an offer while I'm gone. Maybe the builders will make some progress in the desert. Playing loose with the schedule. I love being there but some of my current difficulties make that inconvenient/uncomfortable for me. So, depends on how the bod behaves.

Besides the 4th and all the fambly gathering that entails, my sister and I will get to help Mom with the planning of her wedding ;) She and Dad will be celebrating their 50th Anniversary this year (Nov 23rd) and they're going to have a wedding ceremony. It promises to be a big party, big family fun. We've started on things already, partly because you have to do a lot in advance and partly because we get to stretch out the thrill of the journey.

And speaking of journey... I need to finish packing and spiffing up the house. Later!

Going Home for 4th of July.
I need a new ass.
I want the sell/build/move over with.

LOL Blog Warz! FYI, the person who threw me over the cliff's edge into the abyss about those words I hate... has no blog. Or if they have, I don't know about it. I don't like those half-words. Ain't gonna like those half-words. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and since you're reading my blog, you get mine. *grin*

High on my list of pet peeves are these two 'words': hubby, puter. GAH! Both actually piss me off. I HATE them. I want to bind and gag people when they use them.

Husband, spouse, spousal unit, mate, whatever, but only trailer trash would use 'hubby' imo. Too much like bubba or sissy (vs brother or sister) or other stupid words used by lazy uneducated people?

Similarly, it's called a COMputer or PC or machine or system, etc. It computes. It does not pute. If something in your house putes, I recommend you take it to a doctor or set it outside. Sounds like maybe it smells.

Obtuse: geometrically, an angle exceeding 90° but less than 180°. Of course there's the linguistic meaning, ala 'difficult to comprehend, unclear...'.

You know I'm into patterns and the hoodoo boogity patterns have generally concerned angles and that's what I've been looking at to find a Why for being shuffled to NM. I thought I ran it every way possible, but found nada.

Well... I'm not 100% sure this is it, but it makes more sense than anything else I've seen so far. In fact, it's about the only thing I've seen that falls in with the other patterns I discovered at previous locations.

There are two factors, geometry and geology. I don't think it's coincidental that these two are interwined linguistically and logically.

So, I was checking Google News. I do that now and then. One of the keywords I lookup is 'earthquake'. It's one of the things you could say I've been tuned into.

Anyway, top returns were articles reporting the impending release of accumulated stress on the San Andreas fault in Southern California. Yeah, it's a cyclical thing the media does, comes around and goes around fairly often. BUT, it prompted me to look at an angle I hadn't reviewed before.

I checked LA. Not a hit. I checked San Diego. I'll be 90°, ie due east. Interesting. As the crow flies, it'll be 606 miles. Hmmm... that's about 55 x 11 or 60 x 10. (55 to 60, and multiples thereof, have been a marker in the past.) Interesting. Possible link, but needed another point to confirm.

I know that one of my major connections is in Iraq. Probably no help there. The other of course is the Shroom. Well, I already knew she was aligned with San Diego on a 330° angle. I'd forgotten the mileage, but looked it up again... 605.

By golly, isn't that an interesting coincidence? I'm not entirely pleased with the angles. We've worked from due north and due south together and that was quite strong. We've worked on a straight line together. However, 330° and 90°, equidistant from a center point of San Diego, one of our focal points on a previous 'mission'... It has distinct possibilities. Two points on the same circle, quite a large circle, with San Diego at the center. I'll be at 3 o'clock. Da Shroom at 11 o'clock.

Could get exciting. But of course, if this is the Why and we do it right, nothing much will happen, or what happens will be less than what -could- happen. *shrug*

We'll see. I'm gonna cook this for a while and see if it's still stew.

Damndest coincidence? or Synchronicity? or What?

This has happened to me before. I'll think of a movie I haven't seen in a long while and it will show up on one of the movie channels. Sometimes I've wondered if I've 'drawn' it. OR, have I just heard an ad for it while sleeping with the TV on and the reverse happened, ie, it was put in my head and it only seemed to have crossed my mind out of nowhere? Well, this time cannot be due to that, I think.

Yesterday I watched one of those silly E! shows about the top sexiest bad boys. Johnny Depp was of course on the list. He's one of my personal favorites, not only for his sex appeal and interesting body of work, but because we share a birthday. Later last night, I decided to look him up on IMDB, just for fun. I usually just read the main stuff, but this time I read pretty much all that was there about him.

Buried in the lenghty verbiage was a quote from Depp recounting one of his favorite experiences. He was shooting Edward Scissorhands with Vincent Price and had a chat with him. He'd brought along a book of Edgar Allan Poe. Depp said that Price recited a passage from "Tomb of Ligeia" from memory.

Now, I am a big fan of Poe and of Price and of Price doing Poe. However, I didn't recall "Tomb of Ligeia." I sort of vowed to look it up.

Turns out I didn't have to. Early this morning it actually showed up on the Mystery channel on cable! I -happened- to be channel flipping and -happened- to catch the title on the guide. Yeah, "Tomb of Ligeia" was playing, starring Vincent Price.

Of course I watched it. I never miss a chance to watch Vincent Price, especially when he's doing Poe.

It's just the damndest thing, I tell you. Certainly makes me wonder. I swear I don't ever remember anything about "Tomb of Ligeia" previously. And, even if I'd somehow picked up a preview for it while sleeping, I for damned sure wouldn't have gotten there by way of Johnny Depp triggering it consciously.

Maybe I'm crazy, but it looks for all the world like I wanted Poe's tale and it was delivered. *shrug*

Length of Days
As the Midsummer Solstice approaches, the lengthening of days is noticeable. It's nearly 8pm here now and still there's sunshine in the sky. Of course, a day is 24 hrs no matter how much or how little sunshine graces it, but somehow it's comforting to have the light last a little longer.

I'm enjoying the forest that surrounds the house. I know I will miss it in future, so I'm trying to burn this mystical vision into my brain. Perhaps after the move I'll find desert vistas that delight me as much as the emerald kingdom in which I live now, but I know I will want to remember the cool green light and shadows, the soft sounds of breezes or raindrops through the leaves, the gentle chorus of birds and frogs, the occasional bounding of white tailed deer... I'll want to be able to recall all of this when the days in the desert seem too hot and too dry for habitation.

I still want to know... Why?

Irony: I feel like crap, but can't. wheeeee

Money is flowing again with Spouse's employment, but somehow that seems to cause moneysuckers to appear outta the woodwork. Just in the last couple of weeks, got notice of BIG increases in current house payment due to property tax catch-up (because AR does it bass-ackwards), escrow catch-up due to same, mortgage interest rate increase, and income tax increase for 2004 tax year due, incl penalties and interest, not our fault (very late 1099) but we owe it all the same. The house payment is going up almost 40%. We are not happy, but powerless to change it. Good thing we're trying to sell.

And then yesterday while I was out and about, my car's check engine indicator came on. It's in the shop now and awaiting a part to fix a seal something on a fuel whatchamacallit and that's gonna cost a couple hundred bucks. Thankfully I'm in a loaner so I'm not stranded. Supposed to get my car back by Friday.

I'm supposed to be grateful that we can pay this stuff. I am, but of course I'd rather be allowed to keep that money. Oh well.

I'm baaack. Well, it's deserty. It's hot. Was unusually hot last week. Yet, in the high 90's and over 100, when the humidity is about 10%, it ain't all that bad. Plus, there's air conditioning, thank goodness! Summer will still be my least favorite season. I crisp too easily. But I'm sure I will appreciate the 70/50 Spring and Fall weather, as well as the very mild Winters. Got to see some thunderstorms in the distance. Pretty amazing light show. I like that too. I'll miss the rain in the forest, but have to admit that a lot of sunshine is a nice thing.

There IS green in the area, at least near the Rio Grande which winds through the valley. I stumbled onto an older area of town along the river that looked almost like Home. I plan to go there when I'm missing green grass and abundance of trees.

Fortunately, our lot is also very near the Rio Grande, just further north. That makes for a much more rolling and slightly greener landscape than I was expecting. I couldn't see the terrain in the photos Spouse had sent. I was afraid it was dead flat. But, our lot actually has a lot of up-and-down to it. The house will sit on the high spot and we're positioning it to overlook acres of pecan trees on the property behind us. Since that property is a 26 acre commercial pecan grove, our green view should be well-preserved.

Our lot also has a couple of arroyos and a retention 'pond' area between us and the pecan trees. That should provide us with some natural watering during the 'wet season' since such places are preserved to allow rainwater to flow naturally from the mountains to the Rio Grande. Whatever we plant may get to make use of that water on the way. We'll need to get a trusted landscaper to help us figure out what works in that environment.

Had fun picking out the house details with Spouse. Kinda cool to make choices of this counter material over that, this tile or that, where we want recessed lighting, what color to use for stucco and trim, etc. I'd never done that before.

Now we hope the builders will get a move on... so we can get a move on. Our contract says we're supposed to have a completed house by August 30th. I'm not sure I believe that, given the slow startup, but sometime in September would still be acceptable... and none too soon.

Great to be with Spouse again. Even better when we are once again inhabiting our own house together again. He took me out to dinner all week, but especially for my birthday. We also walked the mall where he insisted I pick out a birthday present, since I hadn't given him even a single idea. I picked some really comfy, albeit ugly as homemade sin shoes ;) You may have seen them. They're like rubbery clogs with holes. I love them. Spouse doesn't. Hey, it was my choice. He was trying to get me to buy jewelry or something, but I just don't go in for a lotta bling. hehe

Anyway, I'm back in the current homestead and, for now, waiting on builders and looking for buyers and trying to keep my body in check until all these machinations form a cohesive life again. Whew.

Flying to NM later today. Will be there for a week. Gonna see the building site for myself. Gonna sort through the color and upgrade choices that need to be made. And of course, I get to see Spouse for the first time since he drove out of here at the end of March.

Well, well, well... Hello, Stranger. TMI to follow. You have been warned. But it's coded. ;) I am being visited by a 'calendar' event, which hasn't happened since December. To be honest, I thought maybe I was finally done with that. But looks like I was just on haitus for five months. It's not officially recognized as menopause until you've been without that special blessing for a year. So the count shall begin again (in 5 to 7 days? hehe). Wheeeee Hey, if I had to do this again, I'm glad it's now instead of the week I'll be in NM.

I dunno why I'm telling about this in a blog, but hey, there it is. At the moment, I have no one to bitch to IRL, so I'm venting here.

Oooo! Spouse went to the house lot today. The builders have cut the driveway, staked the footprint and run the water line! We're on our way! Also, I have plane tickets for a trip there to see the progress myself and hopefully to pick out all the options. Will be there for my birthday! Will be nice to be with Spouse for that.

house model front and back
So far, I've only done the exterior.

I am insane. This is, of course, old news to most of you. *grin* My current insanity is being expressed by modeling the house we're trying to build in NM. I've already made a 3D floor plan out of card stock paper, but now I'm mocking up elevations in full-color detail. Working on a 1' to 1/4" scale, so the thing is about 14" square. I'll pretend it's my way of applying positive energy toward getting the real build done. Yes, that's the ticket.

All garbed up at the Castle ren faire in Muskogee, OK
Sunday, May 14 2006

Today's Topic: English as a butchered language.

I'll cover that in a minute, but first... I seem to be on a series of rants lately. Maybe it's my aggravating physical condition? Maybe it's the stress of the sell/buy/move? Probably both. Whatever. It's not my favorite mode. I'm trying not to get mired in it, and yet, it wants out. And so...

nuclear
realtor
Two examples of butchered spoken English.

Nuclear is NOT new-cue-ler. Just because powerful people like George Dubya can't pronounce it properly, doesn't change the correct pronunciation. See the word? NUCLEAR... NEW-CLEE-ERR... not NUCULAR, dumbass.

Realtor is another botched word. No, it's not easy to say properly, which may explain why people don't try. I'm disappointed that Merriam-Webster actually lists the incorrect pronunciation as an alternative. That's total crap. It's not realator, it's realtor. RE-AL-TOR. Same is true of realty vs realaty. There ain't no fuckin' A after the L, so stop saying it.

And here's the other thing, butchered English in print. I see a growing cancer in written text, ie newsprint, online, and on TV. You know the new habit of popping up crap on the bottom of the screen to say what's Next or what's on Tomorrow? I think it's the USA channel, or another primary cable network, which consistently shows what's on Tommorrow. No. That is just plain wrong. This is a basic English word and that is WRONG. One M, two Rs. Period. Go back to elementary school, dipwads.

There are more subtle but equally aggravating offenses, like choosing the wrong homonyms. Granted, spellcheck doesn't catch those, but if you're profiting from prose you should damned well know the words and their usage.

It has to be laziness. The folks involved in these endeavors have surely completed at least a rudimentary education. So, they're just too lazy to use it? For shame.

You are in your car. It's a bit old and persnickety. You turn the key and the engine is reluctant. You're trying to will the thing to turn over and you're fairly sure it'll happen, but it just makes that choked groaning and sputtering sound while trying to get up the gumption to actually kick in.

This is my experience with the house in NM so far. I/we are doing all the right stuff at the right time, but the build hasn't started yet. I'm growing more leary of the builders with each incident. We ask for info and get half-assed answers, slowly. Meetings and deadlines are set but blown off without communication.

We are assured by the realty people that these builders are good. They've worked with them before. We are assured that once the thing gets started, we'll be happy with the progress and results. It's just that they've grown so much recently they're having a little bit of trouble managing this front end of the business.

I hope the realty people are right because we really want the lot and floor plan and the building philosophy that goes along with these guys. However, my skeptical self reminds me that the realty company has a vested interest in the deal hanging together because they get a commission out of it.

In the meantime, I'm sitting in the car, turning the key, rocking, and half praying, half cussing --- COME ON! LET'S GO DAMMIT!

Of course, I am virtually devoid of patience, so it could me mostly me?

Finally over an initial hurdle on the house buying end. After a rather jerky start, we now have a contract to buy the 5+ acre lot and get a specific floor plan built on it. On with sorting (aka fighting with the builder) over the details! The builder is now surveying the lot to propose house placement. We've been told they can complete construction within 120 days. This could be a real adventure, but the weather there helps. There are very very few rainy days to impede progress.

Here's a thought...

First, we're working a deal on a 5+ acre lot and new house to be built on it. We don't need that kind of acreage but the opportunity for the package is there at a price we should be able to afford. We wanted at least an acre or two for privacy. The rest would be a bonus.

And the idea? Using a couple of acres in the back of the property for a mini solar farm! I'd love that. We could maybe have a small array of panels on the ground which would supply our electricity and feed the excess to the power grid for a little extra income?

Of course there's a significant capital outlay but I would think there are loans available for that sort of thing and I know there are state and federal tax incentives to defray the costs. It would do my heart good to play even a small part in getting us off the freakin fossil fuels. *nodnodnod*

It's starting to annoy me, mostly because I feel it may mean something but I don't know what.

Examples, in no particular order:
~ I stepped into the dark bedroom where the only visible thing was the red LED of the cable box and it said the time was 2:22.
~ I futzed around in the kitchen with my dinner until I finally sat down to eat in front of the TV and when I looked up with the remote in hand to flip it on, I saw that cable box showing 5:55.
~ I fiddled with the car radio, watching the digital dial go through the settings and channels, then I settled on a tune and when the display flipped back to the time, it was 3:33.
~ Napping in the bathtub, eyes slowly open, there's the clock glowing on 4:44.

Yes, I've seen 1:11 as well. I've caught all of them, multiple times. It's not like I'm a clock watcher. I know that once a person is 'sensitive' to a thing, it tends to catch more attention, but dayam, it's not like I'm frequently checking the time and those numbers just stand out in the procession. They're smacking me in the face.

So, I say to the Universe: WHAT? I SEE it. What of it? What's it mean? What do you want? You have my attention, dammit, so SPEAK or quit tapping me! I'm already pissed about the silence over this damned move. Clue me in or stop BUGGING me!

The Great eBay Experiment: So far, I've spent about $300 to make about $1200 for a net of about $900. I think that would qualify as a success. All the MiL's china is sold. I still have a lot of crystal and undecided if I want to spend more to auction it on the chance that third time's a charm. A few of the misc pottery and dish pieces have sold but I think the rest is going to a charity shop. It's not quite the fortune the MiL thought she was giving me in all those boxes, but it's still a very very nice gift and worth the hassle.

Great trip home for Easter. Always good to go home. Got to be there for nearly a week. Got to see all the nieces and nephews and spent a lot of good time with my parents, whom you may know are also such good friends and terrific company for me. Definite refilling of the well.

House in AR is on the market now and we're looking at building in NM. Having a little trouble getting that ball rolling, but once it's started we hope it will move along at a reasonable pace.

It's damned good to have spouse employed and to have the associated income. Now all we gotta do is get us both in the same living quarters again. phhht I'm also looking forward to making use of healthcare as soon as I get there.

My life sure is interesting.

PS - Gotta pal in Iraq now. He's doing fine, getting accustomed to the heat. Should be safe where he is, considering his duties there, but he'll still be on my mind. He's rather excited about the new experiences and challenges he'll surely have over the next year or so.

Wow, looks like I'll have a buyer for the MiL china after all. I put the auctions back up on eBay and I have a bidder for all of it. Shipping will cost me a fortune, perhaps more than I'm charging for S&H, but I'll still make a healthy chunk of change off it AND it'll be gone, ie won't have to move it. Hope it pans out, oh yes I do.

I have to start picking my emotional self up by my own bootstraps, so here are...
Things I Am Thankful For:
~ Spouse is employed and we have income again.
~ Money from various other sources has arrived to help with living and moving expenses.
~ This move will be much easier because I got rid of a lot of junk during the last move.
~ This move will be much easier because we can pay professional movers to do it.
~ Putting up this house for sale is much easier because it's new, and doesn't need all the fixing up the last house needed.
~ Bank of America, whose marvelous online facilities make it possible for me to do the necessary tracking of Spouse's access to our account (else he'd never say and I wouldn't know til the overdraft charges piled up).
~ Merry Maids, who did a fanfreakintastic job of deep cleaning the house so I could save my knees and my back. (A little expensive, but well worth it!)
~ The damaging storms that have passed through here lately have done no damage to our property.
~ I'm managing to work through my physical troubles, not comfortably or happily, but still functional enough to get the job done with care.
~ My eBay auctions are starting to work, thus getting rid of china and crystal I don't want to move and of course bringing in some more money.
~ Online realty features once again make it possible for me to be involved in buying the new place without flying or driving back and forth.
~ Cellphones make it possible and easy for me to keep in touch with Spouse, even just to hear his voice when I need to.

There, that feels better.

I can't believe I have to give up this...


For this...


My soul may just dry up out there in that godforsaken place. I do not deserve it.

Packing is progressing. I'm doing a pretty good job of pacing myself and yet getting a lot of the fiddly bits done. My eBay experience is lackluster. I think I may be spending about as much to place auctions as I am making. Putting up auctions is cheap, but when you do it in volume, it adds up. Alas, I'm not selling in volume.

I'm having a cleaning crew come in on Tues to sparkle the house up. The realtor should be around Thurs or Fri to take pictures. Then, we put the house on the market and I put up with people touring.

We're looking for houses in NM. There are a few that would be okay. We've been told that we could actually have one built within a few months, so we're looking at that option too.

The logistics of this sort of thing are mind-boggling... selling, moving out, buying, moving in. It's a prime opportunity for getting the cart before the horse. No wonder it's one of the top stressors, right up there with the death of a loved one and divorce.

Oh well, that which does not kill us makes us stronger, right? Right?

What Color Green Are You? quiz
***You Are Teal Green***
You are a one of a kind, original person. There's no one even close to being like you. Expressive and creative, you have a knack for making the impossible possible. While you are a bit offbeat, you don't scare people away with your quirks. Your warm personality nicely counteracts any strange habits you may have.

It has begun. I'm selling some stuff on eBay (the china and crystal etc from MiL mostly), picked up an initial load of boxes from UHaul and started filling them, sorting my fat clothes outta the closet for charity, cleaning and staging for realtor pix and showings when we're listed in a week or two.

I'm very glad that I did a lot of weeding and sorting during the last move. Much less to contend with.

Financially, we were pretty much down to our last bean. Honestly, I pat myself on the back for managing to survive four whole months without the bulk of our income. Here at the last, with a little help from family, my webwork contributions, tax refunds, and cashing out a 401K, we should be in good shape until income flows regularly again. I was a little worried that I'd have to wait for funds to do anything about the move then get stuck in manic mode with deadlines. Thankfully, that shouldn't happen now.

Healthwise, I'm taking this slow and easy. I'm sure there will be a push now and then, but I'm not going to unless I really have to. My BP is chemically under control despite the shifting but still tough stress factors. My remaining ailment is just not going to get fixed until after the move when I'm on insurance again. I'll have to work around it and pamper myself as much as I can in between.

Reckon I'll survive this. I've done it before. And, when I get to the desert, reckon I'll find a way to bloom where I'm planted. (Although, I still want some damn answers from the Universe on WHY.)

I have to move my whole damn household, again.
And to a place I don't want to go, again.
GDMFSOB

Despite being shafted by the Universe, I am still quite easily entertained. I found a gem at the grocery store. It was an 8-pack of wee orange juice cartons. Yes, compared to buying the same amount of juice in a regular carton, these little ditties are stupidly expensive. But... I LOVE THEM. They make me happy. It's insane how giggly and thrilled I am to drink from a perfectly formed miniature juice container. We're talking a 5" tall, 2" square little box that looks just like a juice carton that might have been zapped on Honey, I Shrunk The Kids. I should probably see a shrink... of a different sort.

PS - Apparently there's a GDMF move to New Mexico in my future. We'll know for sure in the next couple of days.

Oh, damn. We're being flown into NM Thursday/Friday for interviews. Yeah. I've looked. It's typical desert southwest. It's almost on the Mexico border. It way too freakin west. It's not my kind of place. *sigh* Why am I being tortured?

You know, if Spouse was in the military or such, I'd expect to get moved around the country. But dayam, he's a GM in auto sales. I mean, c'mon. It's not his fault we're shuffled. The Universe is effing with me/us. Spouse is looking in the right places but getting hits from the wrong places, places he didn't even check off on the job sites. WTF is that about?

Here's some history. Remember there are dealerships on every corner in America and most of them have to have GMs...

1992
Spouse's job in central Ky (Home) disappeared because the dealer (owner) sold out to some old dudes who wanted to run the store themselves. After nine months of searching for another position, we got a hit from... BFE Nebraska. Had to take it.

Lived in BFE Nebraska for three years. Might has well have been Neptune. It's not the end of the Earth, but you can see it from there. Four hours just to get to an airport. Spent most of the three years trying to find a way out and back toward Home.

1996
Landed in southeast Missouri near the confluence of the Ohio and Mississippi Rivers. At least it looked more like Home and I could drive Home in about six hours. Pretty nice place, pretty decent job... until the dealer started effing with things and micromanaged Spouse and his other GMs to the point where we couldn't make enough money to live on. A bit too slow on the uptake, after nearly losing our house and eventually filing bankruptcy, Spouse started job hunting.

2004
Northwest Arkansas (which I initially referred to as Arkanfukinsaw because it's one of the few states with a worse reputation than Kentucky) was the only viable hit and too good to pass up job/money-wise. I wasn't thrilled but we found a beautiful place to live. Spouse is in golf heaven. The job was good, paid well... until the dealers/owners screwed up so badly with their other stores and company finances that they had to cut all their GMs loose for the cashflow.

2006
I want to go Home. I do NOT want to go further west. After four months of unemployment we're pretty much out of financial resources and the only serious job possibility on the table appears to be in the Tex-Mex corner of New Mexico.

Help.

While the job opportunity I WANT is moving at a snail's pace, if at all, another has appeared on the scene... in Las Cruces, New Mexico.

To that I say NO. Cut it out. I want to go back HOME dammit. Quit effing around and get me there. PLEASE.

RE 2/22... There was a 7.0 quake in Mozambique, but I dunno why I'd need to be grounded for that and it certainly wouldn't have been related to Spouse's trip. So... *shrug*... whatever. Maybe it was just the weather thing. Maybe it was a string of coincidences (although, as I've oft mentioned, I don't believe in them.)

On the topic of quakes though, I've noticed there's a bit of an upswing in the frequency of big quakes ever since that Mozambique one. Ripple effect perhaps. Nothing catastrophic so far and mostly in remote areas or offshore.

As for the travel, it went on. I enjoyed my week Home, as always. Got to spend a day with Mom and Grandma. It was mostly shopping, which I hate, but it was okay because of the company. Also had an errand which I only half accomplished. Did I mention that my MiL gave me her wedding china and crystal, as well as permission to sell it? Easier said than done. She gave it to me at Christmas and I'd left it at Mom and Dad's house. This trip was partly for packing that up properly and seeing where I might sell it there. The answer is nowhere, apparently. All the local sellers of such things recommended trying Replacements.com and I'd already checked with them. They buy for pennies and sell for big dollars. Not the deal I was looking for. I guess I'll try eBay. I'm not looking forward to it. But, at least I got it packed up and now it's stacked here and waiting.

In regards to me and my busted arse... It's still busted. I don't know if it's getting better (by very small increments) or if I'm getting used to it, gradually. It's still quite unpleasant and quite the hassle trying to be functional. Pain-in-the-ass just doesn't cover it. My latest theory is that maybe it's tied into perifuckingmenopause. There's a possibility that reduced hormone levels, which I already had due to some other stuff, have become low enough to interfere with the process. If so, I'm fighting a battle with my body chemistry which I cannot win. Can't investigate that either until we get employed and on insurance so we can afford the lab work.

And, speaking of employment... none as yet. Still hoping for the move back near Home, but prospective employers are never in as big a hurry to git-r-done as the prospective employee. So, we'll see.

That's the news from Lake Woebegon.

Long story. You don't have to read it, but I had to write it, because I still can't figure out that the hell is/was going on.

Countdown? Since sometime in earliest January, I noticed how I happened to catch the time at strange little markers. You know how odd it is to actually see an even hour (ex, 12:00 on the nose) or 12:34 or such, unless you're looking for it. Well, it started for me with 5:55, am and/or pm. Then 4:44, then 3:33. Sure, we all glance at the time a lot, but these times were seemingly jumping out to catching my attention. I began to get curious. It really started to look like a countdown. The progression would of course continue to 2:22 then 1:11, although I wasn't catching them, just the 5s, 4s and 3s.

I thought about this a bit, as I do, patterns and all. There can't be a 6:66 or higher, since 59 is the max on minutes, although 10:10, 11:11 and 12:12 are interesting. Then somehow I made the leap to dates. Some of these could be dates. 5/55, 4/44 and 3/33 were out, but 1/11 and 2/22 were possible.

I kind of watched when Jan 11th passed. Didn't note anything. Then the next of course is tomorrow Feb 22. Is there anything to it? Have I been seeing a countdown to something about to happen on 2/22?

In the meantime, I have a very close more-than-friend who is about to be deployed you know where and you know why, although just in general as such things are not supposed to be discussed in detail, but the word 'deployed' is all the hint you need to get the gist of what I'm saying. ANYway, sometime in the last few weeks I told my friend about the countdown. Then, he found out he was leaving here on 2/22. That seemed like a marker. This person will likely be gone for a year or more, so that makes the date significant. As I may be moving too and thus not even here upon his return, this could be the end of an era for me/us. We shall see.

In the hoodoo boogity realm concerning this tidbit, my friend's signifying number is 5. As it happens, Numerologically speaking, 2/22/2006 = 5. I'd say that means my friend is right on track. Sounds like synchronicity to me and comforting in its way.

There's more. I'm not supposed to be here this week. I'm supposed to be Home and hanging out with family. It didn't happen and something sure seemed to be conspiring to make sure it didn't happen. It went like this....

Spouse was supposed to go to Israel (yeah, over there) this week, which is why I picked this week to go Home. He was supposed to fly out on Friday evening. I dropped him at the airport then went to pick out some audiobooks for my road trip, before getting out of town. Before I finished that errand, Spouse called me on my cell phone. His flight out had been cancelled. The airline was working on reroutings, but I should wait to see how that worked out. Made sense.

Spouse was rebooked on a very early Saturday morning flight. SO, I fetched him from the airport. We went home. I would take him back in the AM then hit the road. But, the winter storm that had been predicted for Sunday or Monday had crept back until it occurred Friday night. We apparently had some sleet and definitely some snow. Now 3-4" of snow isn't much, but it's devastating here because the terrain is very hilly and the road crews are just not used to that kind of weather here. In fact, at 4am when we pulled out of the driveway, my car wasn't prepared for it either. My Cruiser spent hours at the bottom of the hill just below the house after we'd made several attempts to get Spouse to the airport but only slid on snow-covered ice.

The rest of the day was a more convoluted nightmare. Spouse was obviously not going to make his 6:30am flight. He called and the airline rescheduled for about 11:30am. We still couldn't get anywhere in my car. Spouse tried to call in favors from about half a dozen buddies he used to work with who -should- have been able to come through. Some were unreachable. Some said they'd get back to him but didn't. Some promised to help, but didn't or couldn't. It was a tragedy of errors.

As the time passed and Spouse was going to miss the 11:30am flight, he rebooked again, for 3pm. We managed to get my car back up the hill and into the garage but there was no way we'd ever make it off our street and to the airport. I had certainly cancelled my excursion by this point.

There was another round of phone calls trying to get someone, anyone, with a 4WD vehicle to come get Spouse and haul him to the airport. Now realize that all his buddies work at car dealership(s) and getting a 4WD was not the problem. The warm-body driving it just never materialized, through various circumstances, not excluding friendships now on the outs. Taxi/limo services were not running because they don't -do- 4WD because that kind of weather here just doesn't happen here very often.

Okay, so, it becomes obvious that Spouse isn't going to make his 3pm flight either. At this point, he and the party he was to meet in Israel finally succumb to the conspiracy. Something did NOT want Spouse in the air this weekend and/or in Israel this week and/or didn't want me on the road. Neither trip was going to happen this week. Ultimately, we've all rescheduled for next week, same time, same bat channel. There's no winter weather in the forecast. We'll see.

Naturally, being who I am, I wondered... WTF was all THAT about? Why were we grounded so emphatically? What were we being saved from or pointed to? I mean, the whole scenario was SO tangled as we were living it that it seemed like something had put up a big wall and said NO, Not at this time.

Honestly, I half expected something ugly to happen in Tel Aviv on the Sunday when Spouse might have arrived there, or something going awry with one of the flights he was supposed to take. Thankfully, nothing has surfaced so far as I know.

But then, I recalled 2/22 and the seeming countdown. Is it related? Was there a reason to keep Spouse out of Israel this week, on that day? Or did he have to get grounded just to keep me off the road during a winter storm? (Knowing I'd stick around if he had to) Or was it all just one of those things?

Might have missed something terrible. Might have been held here to catch something we needed to catch (like job thing). Might have nothing to do with anything. Might never know.

But Spouse and I sure feel like we're in a time warp. We had places to go, people to see. We didn't expect this interim week, and Friday evening we'll surely have a serious jolt of deja vu as we attempt this week again.

Strange. Just strange, I tell ya. I'm curious to see if anything notable occurs on 2/22 and if I stop catching 5:55..4:44...3:33... after that.

I am SO trying not to get too excited about this job possibility so I wouldn't crash too hard if it didn't happen. But dang, I AM excited! I want this. I deserve this. I have earned this, dammit. It's the perfect opportunity for Spouse AND for me. It simply must happen. We could get really settled in and freakin retire there. I don't ask for much, but I surely am asking -- directly and emphatically -- for this. Thank you.

A really good opportunity knocked today. Right now it's just a vague possibility, but it sure sounds like just the thing. Spouse got a call from a headhunter who has a line on a possible job in Kentucky... yes, back Home. Not in my hometown, but within an easy two-hour drive of Home and that is close enough, closer than I have been in over ten years. What we know of the position right now makes it sound just perfect.

SO, all positive energy, good vibes, warm fuzzies, nergies, and prayers to bring this thing about are welcome. Yes, it would mean a move, but I wouldn't mind so much because it would be in the right direction, ie, back Home again.

Still alive.

Good News: The west Texas job has been tabled. After all the hooplah, they have said "Not at this time." They've left open future possibilities, but it won't be there and it won't be now.

Bad News: That was the only seemingly viable prospect for employment in the near future.

So, I'm happy and... well, not sad... just concerned about our shrinking financial resources without prospects for remedy (and lack of insurance, and general uncertainty of where we'll live, and... bleh).

Was the Universe listening after all? If so, the Powers That Be got the message that I didn't want to live in west Texas. Are they working on a way for me to stay here? Could they maybe hurry it up a little before we run out of money?

I once again state the perfect scenario whereby Spouse gets his old job back after that store is bought out by another group and then Spouse proceeds to eat the old employer's lunch through fierce competition. *nodnod* We'd like that. We'd get to stay right here. It would be quite poetic.

Ya know, this ailment is deeply disturbing on many levels. I cannot isolate the affected area. It's not like I can put my digestive system on hold to let it heal. There's also a lag in cause/effect due to processing time, so when I try stuff, I can't tell for sure what works and what doesn't. All I know for sure is I'm tired of thinking about it and dealing with it. There's entirely too much trauma involved in what should be a natural process. It's wearing on me psychologically as well as physically. I mean, I can't help thinking, What kind of moron can't manage their own shit?

Spouse and I celebrated our 15th anniversary on the 19th. It's amazing to me that I've been married for 15 years. Spouse and I both agree that we're better than ever together. Over the years our relationship has changed and for the good, especially lately, despite the trials and tribulations mundane life tosses in. This experiment is working well. I think I'll go for another 15 and then some ;)

During this period in which my ass is basically out of order and I am unable to sit like a normal person for long periods of time or be productive otherwise... I've stretched out and watched entirely too much television. While doing so, I've often found it a challenge to locate a tolerable bit of entertainment in which people are not being hurt or hurting each other. I'm just not into death and destruction. I don't like gore at all, and I'm not too keen on angst of any sort. I don't even like it when people make fools of each other, especially when it's vicious.

I like comedy. I like suspense. I like wit and clever plot puzzles, and yeah, I like sap. Make me cry, but for good reasons. I love catching people doing good things to and for each other; it does my heart good. I can handle some difficulties as long as they get all sorted out for a happy ending. Apparently, I am in the minority?

What IS it with people being so addicted to DRAMA... not drama or even Drama... but DRAMA or maybe even DRAMA ???

Why is our society so seemingly hungry for ugliness that we let the media smother us in it, all day, every day? Why does the news have to be bad? Why do movies have to be about killing or being killed, figuratively or literally? Why do video games have to be about death and destruction? Why does love have to hurt? Why does gain have to come from deviousness? etc and so on, ad nauseum.

Why are people so addicted to the adrenaline rush of turmoil? It IS possible to get adrenaline from positive experiences, but people have forgotten how?

I get a rush from a warm breeze, birds in flight, wind rippling over water, sunlight, moonlight, cool comfortable complete darkness, swelling musical scores, children's laughter, a baby's smile... All that other dark stuff makes me flinch, gives me a knot in my stomach or throat, or downright hurts, even if it's virtual, as in movies or books. I don't like it. I don't want it. I for damned sure am not going looking for it. In fact, I spend a lot of time side-stepping it.

It is a choice.
We all have the choice.
It's a matter of choosing where to focus.

"Accentuate the positive... Eliminate the negative... Latch on to the affirmative... Don't mess with Mister In-Between...
"You've got to spread joy up to the maximum... Bring gloom down to the minimum... Have faith, or pandemonium is liable to walk upon the scene..."

There's lots of pandemonium in our world today, and you wanna guess why? Because no matter how much they bitch and whine about it, people like it. They crave it. They are addicted to it. I... am not. I choose to avoid it when possible and downplay it when I can't completely side-step it, and I combat it with positive thinking and silver-lining hunting, even if I have to make it up.

It bothers me a little that I can't help everyone be as I am, but rather than sink into the mire with them, I just have to let the rest of the world drown in their own sorrows if they really want to. It's not my fault they won't even look around for a ray of sunshine. Eh, maybe they'll see me standing in a nice warm beam, smiling, and eventually try to join me?

Nothing to say but whining about absence of income against expenses far exceeding the usual. Timing is everything and royally sucks on all sides of the equation right now. I'll spare you the details. They're whirring in my head like a frog in a blender. No need to share that. It's not pretty. Pissing and moaning is not one of my characteristic activities. Besides, it doesn't really fix anything, does it? I'd ask for cheese to go with my whine, but it's probably not a good thing for me, considering.

A shiny new year. I'll take it, although I'm not entirely sure I will like where it goes? Or more to the point, where *I* go, if in fact I am called to go, which I'm hoping is only a temporary mirage and that I will not be asked to move at all. But...

Spouse's job hunt continues. It was veritably stalled during the holidays. Now it looks like he will be going to Oregon next week for a job interview which could land us in west Texas? For the record: I DO NOT WANT TO MOVE. I DEFINITELY DO NOT WANT TO MOVE FURTHER WEST.

Aren't the Powers That Be listening to me at all? I feel I've done good work for the greater good. I feel I've listened, paid attention, worked with the Powers. I am annoyed that there seems to be very little interest in working with me on what I want. As a rule, I don't ask for much, and dammit, I am tired of moving. I feel I've barely gotten settled from the last move and I had to look really hard to get my head and heart around the whys and wherefores of being here, but I became okay with it. I understood. I complied. I worked with it.

Surely there's a little compensation due me, even if it's just to leave me where I am? I mean, I'm in a really good central location. Can't I do whatever I need to do from here?

*sigh* pleasedontmovemepleasedontmovemepleasedontmovemeAGAIN.