Yesterday was to be my 4th chemo treatment, the halfway mark, but we couldn't do it.

SHORT VERSION: Too anemic. Have to work up better red blood cell count. Fever/Chill cause(s) must also be determined, which will take lab time and repair time. Just can't risk another dose and more side-effectedness until we put me back to good or at least much better. (You may now skip the TMI if you wish, which is for my records mostly, and go to Silver Linings toward the end.)

TMI:
My red blood count was too low, so I was too anemic. My RBC count has dropped 20% since my starting count so it was too risky to take another treatment which would obviously drop it further. The iron tablets I've been taking, 3/day, are not being absorbed sufficiently to eliminate the anemia. Personally, I'm glad to get off those little pills. I don't like taking pills and I didn't like their effect on exit, if you get my drift. All of those effects make a lot of sense now, if my body was just throwing most of it away.

Thus, instead of the FOLFOX chemo cocktail, I received half of a megadose of iron dextran (InFeD, for the curious) and will return on Friday for the other half. Part of the reason for the split was the time factor. It takes about 4 hours for the whole dose and I'd already been there over two as we took the usual blood counts, discovered the serious anemia, and sent off some other samples as cultures to try to figure out the fever/chills thing. I'd have been there way past closing time and we'd all be exhausted, me doubly so.

Plus, this iron infusion has serious potential side effects for some people so they had to have two nurse/techs and a physician keeping watch over me during a smaller dose test then the 1/2 infusion, in case of a reaction. Not to be overly dramatic here, but we're talking anaphylactic shock and resuscitation that has to be done within seconds at the any sign of trouble. This is a clinical but not a hospital setting, so I think they are always a bit nervous when someone gets this for the first time.

Fortunately *grin* I pulled my best trick, not a single hint of a problem. I was given a bit of Benadryl just prior and I nodded off a few times from that. Otherwise, I chatted with all the watchers as they appeared, discussing other aspects of my treatments as well as sharing personal anecdotes back and forth. It's my thing!

The chemo treatment is pushed a week to next Wednesday, which will shuffle all remaining treatments a week as well. I don't like it, but I don't want to end up in the hospital for blood transfusions either. The reason for the delay is the lag between infusion of the InFeD and its ultimate readable replacement of needed RBCs. Lotsa drug separation and cellular swapping and stuff going on there. IMO, no wonder itsy greenish black tablets weren't doing it.

As for whatever infection(s) I'm trying hard to fight, but not beating, it will take at least 24hrs for the various growth mediums to spring their clues. As I have no identifying symptoms other than fever/chills to assist, we just have to wait for the story my blood and stuff tells. Yeah, other stuff too. Not elaborating, but I'm sure there are some accurate guesses. :) Will later blog whatever bug(s) turned out to be bugging me, as soon as they are revealed.

SILVER LININGS
- the anemia and the infection(s), especially at the same time, more than explain my serious fatigue and very fuzzy head... Knowing Why vs Guessing is always a boon for me
- the fact that I managed to survive and even function through the above show I have a terrific will and base constitution (and perhaps a wide stubborn streak I really should watch ;)... the nurses and doc were impressed, but.. um... also lectured
- though my schedule will be a bit extended, I get this 'free' week in the middle!! a break, even if forced is still good
- I'm already feeling more energy as the anemia is mitigated, without threat of knocking it out again immediately with the treatment that otherwise might have happened
- actually recovered enough brain power already to completely reconfigure a flat pack CD/DVD rack so it perfectly fits our entertainment cabinet AND still holds all our CD's, all our VHS2DVDs which I have finished converting, with room for more
- recovered enough energy by last night to play in the Camelot Tourney as Wenn, and felt really good, even good enough to be true to 'DisneyWenn the Good', and had great fun
- can touch, drink, and eat all the cold or even frozen stuff I WANT because the last round of cold effects have worn off and they won't come back til after next Wed!!!! (Really, I have discovered I am damned near addicted to the sensation of anything cold, especially iced or frozen drinks.) I will celebrate with iced anything and even homade icy smoothies and such on my whim!!
- Mom & Dad are supposed to drop by HERE toward the middle of July. Though the timing may now be less than optimum, I should be in much better shape because of this adjustment to have fun with them on some little tourist jaunts, and when not... I'll have Mom & Dad to coddle me for the most recent round ;) All good, either way. In fact, I think the 3 of us would be most happy with a little of both.

LESSON LEARNED... LEARNING... or May Never Really Learn?
Living with a personal and potentially deadly uncertainty.

I guess the fundamental problem with this round of chemo is, as I may have said before, being tortured by the harm with no real guarantee of the ultimate good. There are no promises with this 'insurance' phase. There is no test to determine if it really worked, if I am indeed 100% cancer-free forever. All the other phases of the plan had verifiable results and they were very good and my difficulties were more managable and the excellent outcomes made it all well worthwhile.

The only proof I will ever have for this would be negative. I won't know if it worked well until I die, at a ripe old age, cancer-free, and from some other cause(s). That's a long time to wait for results, never knowing until then. OR, I will know it didn't work if I am diagnosed with recurrent cancer(s) and have to start fighting again.

You know how positive I am. You know I am doing my level best to assume that this is the end of the cancer matter and I shall go on. And, again, maybe it's my fatigue of body that's teasing my mind and soul over this thing. I mean, I could die in a car wreck tomorrow and it would have nothing to do with cancer other than being on my way to that treatment center for some iron.

No. No, I cannot give in to negative thinking. I repeat, I once had a vision which seemed to tell me I'd live to watch the year turn when I was 92, but would not see my 93rd birthday. Maybe it will be on May 5th, almost a month to the day before my birthday. ¡Sí, Cinco de Mayo!, and yes... 5/5/50 *grin* Indeed, that sounds good to me. I will have lived into half of this century, having been born just after the mid-point of the last. And do it cancer-free, by gum. It seems right.

In the meantime, with that little bit of assurance, no more and no less accurate or 'insured' than this chemo, I think I can do "Living with a personal and potentially deadly uncertainty."

We're all moving on sometime, from some cause, and I know I shall leave this time just like others before. I shall go on to another journey, so, l shall get through this and carry on.... for a day.. or another 4 decades.

PS - 5/5/05 was also 555 of course and on that date I noted that in the Julian count it is day 125, which is 5x5x5. Kinda makes it a more special triple. May 5th, I think, is in fact the only day in any calendar year, ever, which turns out that way other than 1/1/1 which would naturally be 1x1x1 which is 1. Not nearly so neat a trick. 5/5/05 only occurred/occurs in years ending in 05, naturally. 5/5/50, similar story. So that would be... twice per century? Any '05 year and any '50 year. Well, I didn't buy the farm in 2005, so my next window of opportunity is... 2050. :) I can most certainly live (for another 43 yrs) with that. *grin*

PPS - I believe my triplets have been almost exclusively limited to 555 because of their regular venue, the clock. There was once, I think, a 777. If significant, we're about to get one of those, on July 7th of this year. But again, 7/7/07's Julian date is not 7x7x7. Kinda cracks that.

PPPS - Common Numerological Interpretation for 555---Buckle your seat belts, because a major life change is upon you. This change should not be viewed as being "positive" or "negative", since all change is but a natural part of life's flow. Perhaps this change is an answer to your prayers, so continue seeing and feeling yourself being at peace. ((hehehe REST IN PEACE? :))

Mercy, this is another book. I'll close it now.