50 years old. I'm still kind of amazed that I've been around for 50 years. I mean, I find it to be a sort of nebulous number in that context. I can grasp 50 'things', like $50 or 50 toothpicks. I can get my mind around 50 hours, and 50 days, but 50 years? Not really.

I don't feel all of my 50 years even though I sometimes feel worn out and ancient, but it's usually due to some outside influence or simply the physical effects of aging, and not anything from within me, emotionally or mentally.

1957 to 2007... Yeah, it's 50. Half a century! Wow, that too is kind of hard to imagine. Hmm... 5 decades... Now that I think I can chew. Breaking it up in that way makes it more real to me.

decade 1 - learning to be a human, initial socialization, basic education
decade 2 - learning to deal with big body changes, trying to make the transition from child to adult, beginning to specialize or focus on personal interests, needs, intentions for the future
decade 3 - individualizing more, acquiring my own space, trying to carve out a spot in the larger community, making life-changing decisions about career, relationships, property, children
decade 4 - refining or adjusting previous arrangements, getting more comfortable with myself or working to resolve any discomforts, wanting to move beyond just necessities
decade 5 - another big transition, reminiscent of adolescence with all the body changes, and a review to see what was missed or mishandled and how to reconcile differences

I already feel the next decade. I feel oddly liberated now. I am no longer concerned with a lot of things that used to loom large on my priority list, concerns which I mostly adopted from others instead of developing for myself. I've asked the same questions before, but now I am more serious about them: What do I really need? What do I really want?

I've pared down my list of material wishes. I only need so many 'things'. I only need 'so much' space. More and biigger, are not necessarily better. It's not resignation, it's recognition. It's not how much do I want to possess, but how much will I actually use and how much do I actually want to maintain?

I have lived. I have learned. I have a lot of experience at my disposal and time to make use of it, to make more informed choices. 50 is a crossroad for me. Here's where I am. Where do I want to go from here? And because of all that past, I am not afraid to try, I am not afraid to fail. It's just all part of the journey.

Maybe that's the key right there. As I go along, I worry less about destinations or timelines, and want to focus more on just living and being more and more... Me. :)