Have I ever asked for adventure? I don't think I have. Even when I dabble in fiction, it tends to be unknotting rather than knotting. In fact, it's hard for me to come up with conflicts as one is supposed to do to build a story. I abhor conflict in real life and I just haven't the will or mindset to stir the plot too much. It is the resolution of conflicts which I find challenging, and even enjoyable.

But have I ever asked for my life to get knotted and tangled so I'd have something to unravel? I hope not. I didn't mean to.

I'm a Gemini with Libra Rising. My mercurial nature helps me see both sides or all sides of most issues, and my Libra tendencies can usually find some way to rebalance a tilt in the scales. But I don't recall ever tipping the scales on purpose. It's just not my way. I much prefer the even keel. That is not boredom to me, it's not a rut, it's a nice balance from which to operate. I can handle the dips and tips, if they don't go on for too long. But after a while, if I cannot right the scales and find my equilibrium again, then I become quite distraught with that tension.

This long distance household move, this buying and selling of houses, is a chaotic imbalance. The scales of my life are on a ship in stormy seas, and rocking, sometimes wildly. The ups and downs are making me seasick. I have in fact heaved over the rail a few times. Even the three-year journey to this point has been long and fraught with trials.

I stand on the deck watching the storm and sometimes wailing at it. I scan the tempestuous horizon for sign of shore or lighthouse. I need to find a port. I need to weigh anchor. I am completely at home with smooth sailing or the gentle rocking motion in the marina, but these tidal waves are tormenting.

The winking eye of a lighthouse tells me that a Closing may occur on Friday. I have been steering in that direction, but until I get to that shore, I know there are rocks upon which my entire ship may be dashed. I put my hope in eventual daylight and the calming of the seas and skies. I imagine afternoons in the bay, sipping in the sunshine. I dream of nights, lounging on deck, watching moonlight on gentle water.

How's that for milking a metaphor? ;)

I am now reminded that I have a story on the board about a lonely captain and an unfortunate woman. Maybe I can get back to them someday, when my own ship is once again safely in harbor.

Dad is now recuperating at home in the state of KY! I am in the state of MO but may be in the state of AR sometime this week for the Closing on the new house. Then I will be back here in the state of MO, finishing up packing for the Move... which is presently scheduled to begin June 1 and will likely last for a few days, beginning in the state of MO and ending in the state of AR, of course. Then I'll be back in the state of MO again to finish cleaning, incl having the carpets steam cleaned. Will also get the realtor ducks in a row, I hope. Then one last drive to the state of AR? Then maybe I'll be able to sit for a while amongst unpacked boxes and determine what state I'm actually in.

Good heavens, I don't want to turn this into a BitchSpot instead of a BlogSpot, but in order to recount what went on Friday, it would have to be that. How very surreal to have a repeat of a horrific plumbing problem overnight which plagued this house over a year ago. Ghost arrived early this morning, just after the plumbing company called to say they were sending someone out. By the way, it is entirely too bizarre that this particular plumber's real name is Mario.

At any rate, I soon had a professional plumber on the roof snaking the air vent to grind through some trapped dead creature. (Same song, second verse, repeat of February 2003). This later turned into his disassembly of the cabinetry and wall of mirror in one of the bathrooms, while the toilet in the other bathroom was set off to one side on the soaked floor. (Two toilets, in back-to-back bathrooms, had become overflow fountains at about 3am.) The plumber's clearing of the air vent problem, being perhaps a bit too aggressive, became broken PVC piping under the fixtures, pouring waste water through new ceiling tiles into the basement.

Meanwhile, I had a crew in another part of the basement working on digging out a sump pump which had foundered in mud due to poor original design and 30 yrs of no maintenance. They had to haul in gravel through a window, one bucket at a time, to set up a filter for ground water in the crawl space, then put in a new sump pump, and route the exit pipe through walls, between floor and ceiling, then out the back of the house through the concrete foundation.

Ghost was here all day, thank the Powers. He was a sometime helper to the professional plumber when needed, and checked on the sump fixers periodically. But, his primary task was to babysit me while I came unglued.

I needed more bullshit with this house. I'm sure I did. Now if the Universe would just tell me why (and throw money), I might be able to recover from it.

Silver linings:
~ The plumbing problem could have been worse. Could have had the fountains overnight Friday night and been paying a plumber Saturday rates.
~ The sump fix was originally scheduled for a couple of weeks from now because the fixers were tied up on another job. But that would have further delayed me getting out of here. Glad to have it done sooner.

Good News elsewhere: Dad was moved out of ICU and may get to go home in a day or so.

I hope it rains this weekend. I hope we get torrential rains that would have ordinarily ended up as a pool on my basement floor. At least then I'll know if the sump fix works. Of course, it might have been nice to have slightly muddy rainwater to wash the toilet water off the concrete, but that's what mops and buckets are for, eh?

Oh, and the mortgage company dude was still calling for information today, even though the closing is scheduled for Wednesday... or was... now maybe Friday. Hope someone tells me when I do and do not need to drive 7 hrs one way to sign papers for an hour then come back to get a household moved, so I can make the drive again to unload, so I can came back again to finish cleaning and get a realtor to sell this house.

I've made a calendar and tentatively marked which state I need to be in on which days.

Now what was I saying about positive thinking? I'm trying, I really am. As noted, sometimes it's a lot of work.

Am I having fun yet?

~ Dad is still in ICU which we still think is a good thing. We'd like for him to be very stable before they move him out into a regular room. He's got good drugs. My sister said he's talking about all kinds of weird stuff but with his usual sense of humor thrown in. The ICU nurses love him, but then, who couldn't love my Dad? :) Thankfully ICU visitor rules force Mom to rest for a few hours in between. They'd rather be together all the time, but this is gonna be a long road and she needs rest. She's awesome too. I love them both more than I can express, which as you may have gleaned is a rare thing for me.
~ We're supposed to be closing on the new house on Wednesday, May 26th, so I'll be on the road for that. It'll be nice to actually SEE the house I'll be living in.
~ Sale prep and Move prep here are proceeding apace, mostly due to Ghost who is managing almost any handyman task as well as helping salvage my shredded sanity.
~ Spouse likes his new job even though they're going through a computer system upgrade. It's good in a way. He'll be as knowledgable as anyone else about it. He's as ready for us to be in our house, our home, as I am.

That's all for now. Back to work.

I've kept this topic out of my blogs because I didn't want to draw attention to it which might present opportunity for negativity. However, I hope that the crisis point has now passed, and being able to report it just that way makes it okay to speak about it now.

I know that sounds highly cryptic, but you'd have to know how I was raised and what I think I've learned about energy conversion to maybe understand how I've been dealing with this matter.

What is 'this matter'? My father's surgery. I choose not to detail more about it here except to say it was serious and got more so. All surgery is potentially life-treatening, of course, but the percentages are generally in favor of survival and recovery, else it isn't done. My father's surgery went mostly as expected but he had terrible pain and trouble in the three days following. Overnight last night, the doctors suspected more than ordinary recovery difficulties and took Dad back into surgery early this morning to find the problem and repair it.

Now I will do what I often do with a crisis: intellectualize and analyze. It's one of my methods of coping.

Why didn't I mention Dad's surgery before? I've only told a few people and not really dwelt on it. The 'unknown' factor of such an impending event tends to foster fear and worry. Unless we control our responses, dwelling on an upcoming challenge tends to draw negative thoughts. It is very hard for most people to visualize good outcomes, at least on the outset. If they can do it at all, they really have to work at it. The usual reaction to potential hazard is to think immediately of the worst possible scenario.

I understand that we are more powerful than we know and that when we visualize something very strongly, with a lot of emotion behind it, we can manifest it. We can bring our fears into being, if we're not careful. Fear and worry are natural reactions. We must acknowledge them, but to dwell in them is to lend energy to the feared outcome -- to fuel the fire -- and we may very well get precisely what we're afraid of.

In a really strange twist of ego, we'd almost rather be right about our fears, than to have a situation turn out better, and be wrong. We are embarrassed when we're wrong or when we've done something silly, like succumbing to fear over what turns out to be nothing.

I do my best not to fall into this ego trap. I do it with a lot of positive assumptions. Then if my ego gets involved in trying to prove me right, it's energy applied to a positive outcome and not a negative one. I am more likely to get what I want, and not what I fear.

I try to assume a thing will turn out okay, unless it proves otherwise, IF it proves otherwise. Most of my experience has shown that this method achieves more positive results. Of course, 'bad' things happen, but I generally have more energy to deal with them if I have not wasted it on fear and worry beforehand. I also believe very very strongly that things are never as bad as they could have been, so I have supported a more positive outcome, if not a completely positive outcome.

I am not afraid to be wrong about being positive. In a way, if I always look for the bright side, I can never be wrong, because there is always a silver lining, always. As my father says, sometimes you have to look really hard for it, but it's there. Sure it's a lot about attitude, about perception, but this is how the energy works too.

It is a choice. I can choose to buy into the drama of a life situation. I can choose to soak myself in the horror, in the hardship. I can take on the burden of terrible events and let them weigh me down until they nearly crush me...

Or...

I can choose to assume things happen for a reason and that ultimately the reason is positive, thus the effective outcome is positive, no matter what happens. I can push away the thoughts about the worst-case-scenario, recognizing those thoughts as merely fear responses and not lending them power over me or the situation. I can refuse to wear my fears or carry them around, proliferating them with woe-is-me talk or retelling the possible horror over and over.

I can choose to stand upright and face a thing with a challenge --- not a challenge to fate, but a challenge to me -- ala, I will find a silver lining, no matter how small it may be or how hard I have to search. I WILL find it.

Not surprisingly, the silver linings are always there. We see what we're looking for. We get what we're asking for. Sometimes I need help to make these conversions and that's alright. We all need each other. But I will not ask for others to feel sorry for me, or with me. That is a waste of my energy and theirs. However, I sure as hell can ask them to look for silver linings with me. I can ask them to help distract me so I won't dwell on the fear or worry. I can ask them to help me face a challenge with good thoughts and positive energy, and I sure hope I do the same when they come to me with their own challenges.

I have learned this from my parents and their parents and I don't know how many generations before them. I have verified it through my own life experience and from watching the way others deal with their challenges.

Early in life, we take on our methods of coping from those around us. Later, if we're aware, we can pick and choose our own set of methods. I am so very glad I had such a positive menu to choose from. I hope I demonstrate these options to others who may not have been as fortunate.

My parents continue to demonstrate their positive energy. Despite the trial of the last few days, I know I will ultimately hear my father tell how it all worked for the best. My mother will express how concerned she was for him at the time, but she will echo his sentiment. They will not belabor the hardships. They'll gloss over the potential tragedy, if they mention it at all. They will say it was not as bad as it could have been. They will both express their gratitude that he came through it.

I support their methods. In fact, I do my best to live by them. I focus on positive outcomes. I express my gratitude for anything beyond the worst case, and in such a way, I will likely never experience the worst case, because even in the most dire circumstance, there is always a silver lining. I will look until I find it and in doing so, I convert the negative energy of a situation into light.

My father is working his way back from a crisis. My mother is working beside him. My siblings are gathered around him to help too. I am not close by physically, but my heart is certainly there. I have called in friends to focus with me. And I have asked the powers that be to take care of my father and once again show us all the true power of a positive attitude.

Painting, although Ghost is doing the bulk of it. Shopping for a realtor to sell this house. Trying to get someone to at least give me an estimate for fixing the basement water problem. Shopping for a moving company. Stepping around and over boxes I'm packing myself. There's not a flat spot in the house that doesn't have stuff on it as I try to deal with all the remaining tasks, or unpacked odd & ends. Things that go with nothing else, go with each other?

Closing on the new house is still scheduled for May 25th. The move will be around June 1. I will be blissfully comatose for a few days shortly thereafter? hehe

June should be good for me. Mercury will have straightened up (May 18th, well before we have to sign house papers, which is a damned good thing 'cause a Merc retrograde can mess with that sort of stuff.) As of June 6th, Mercury will be in its home sign, my sign, Gemini, along with the Sun. That's all good. Everything should flow more smoothly, but then there's bound to be an easy period following this hectic mania.

I'm counting on it.

Saturday was a good day, despite the fact that the calendar has me in its grip. Those who do not know what that means are definitely not female. Now you may get my drift. BUT, I digress... Despite the calendar and the stress of this moving thing, I had a good day overall.

I was semi-productive, getting more things sorted and packed. Before I got into that, I had a couple of hours where I was about to fry. My mind is a whirling blur of things I need to do, want to do, cannot do yet, etc, ad nausem. But, the physical and distracting activity of sorting and packing, though dreaded, turned out to be therapeutic.

Later, I got to roleplay some. It wasn't terribly plot-raising or anything, but it was comfortable and fun. That doesn't happen a lot lately. It's partly my fault for not even making the attempt, but I find my patience is pretty thin for it. Maybe I'm an elitist, maybe not. I just know what I like and it seems hard to find. However, Saturday night was quite enjoyable. Made me want to be a regular player again. We shall see. There are possibilities. It certainly is nice to step into my character(s) skin and be someone else for a little while.

We are in the middle of a Mercury Retrograde.
Mercury started moving backward on the Wheel on April 6th in the sign of Taurus.
It stopped and resumed forward motion on April 30th, having dipped back into Aries a little.
Now Mercury will proceed forward until it catches up to its original path, completing the return on May 18th, once again in Taurus.

Things should go a lot smoother after that, especially in the realms of communication (human and technological), transportation, and computers.

House House HOUSE. I am doodling in PhotoShop, and in my head, furnishing and decorating a house I haven't even seen in real life. It's a 7-hour drive from here, so I can't stop by, I can't walk through it. I may not see it before I arrive there to let the movers in. I have several photos, a really lousy copy of the -possible- floor plan, and spouse's descriptions during the scouting walk-thru.

I am anxious, and yes, excited. I want to go there and START, but I can't do that until I FINISH here. It's perturbing. We're still wading through paperwork on the new house, like hunting up someone to insure the place since our present insurer doesn't/won't cover it. I dunno what all spouse is filling out and filing from that side.

And this water-nightmare here.... We've sprung a more vicious leak. Since Ghost appropriately filled in a crack in the cement floor of the basement, it has become obvious that the minor rainwater problem we thought we had here was actually major. Previously, the water was draining down into that floor crack. Now it's a standing pool with no where to go. Did I mention that the last two weekends have brought torrential downpours?

I called one of the popular waterproofing companies here to come give me an estimate. They say they cannot fix it. Fortunately they gave me the name of another company which -might- be able to do something. They also suggested that I check with our insurance company to see if there is coverage. They were doubtful though. So was the insurance company when I called. Then the doubt turned into a firm 'No' after the adjuster came for a visit. This is not good.

We do not have thousands of dollars to fix this problem AND put the down payment on the new house. We'll have to see what this other company says about the fix and do more logistical pretzeling to somehow get both houses done. There are options and we will find a way to work it out. I know this, but already I have a headache just thinking about what kind of machinations will have to take place before it's through.

My back is aching from all the juggling.

I need to hand Ghost some nicely scented oil and let him do some real handiwork?

Now there's a thought.