Back when I was in the corporate world, I used to delay parts of myself. I'd save my creative activities until the weekend, as well as any socializing. I used to put off emotional fits until after work hours, even though it was usually people or circumstances at work that prompted them. I'd wait til I got home to come unglued, lest I undermine my progress at work. I even delayed illness until such times as I could afford it? Like over a long weekend or during vacations and holiday breaks.

I felt driven to succeed. I was a woman fighting the ol' boy network. At the time it was a rare thing for a woman to work in technology, but it was my niche. I was a natural, and that was a good thing, because I had to be better than the best man around in order to shatter the glass ceilings. I'm proud to say that I did just that.

It has occurred to me, since all the moving stuff, that I fell back on my skill in delay tactics. I am really worn out. I was worn out from nearly the beginning. I had too much to do and not enough money or time or energy to do it. But... I did it. I trudged on, often by sheer force of will. And now I am stuck on a seesaw of recovery. Most of every day I just want to collapse, be null and void, lay like broccoli. I tell myself it's unwarranted. It's all done. How could I be exhausted now? But the truth is, I didn't have the luxury of exhaustion from sometime in March until mid June.

So, I put off my collapse. Now I can have it. I'm probably dragging it out longer by taking it piece-meal, but I guess I really don't know how to shut down completely. Over the last couple of weeks I've forced long baths and frequent naps. I've made myself sit zombie-like in front of the TV even when there's nothing on. All that zoning has helped, but I still catch myself in weeping fits over nothing, and moments without the energy to move. I know this is all months of effort and stress working its way to the surface and out, but it's still rather annoying.

It's kind of like trying to catch up on sleep. It never really works, but I shall try. I have a new place to explore and a new house to shape into my own private sanctuary. I look forward to it... when I can keep my eyes open and clear. I do love this place. It has the feel of living in a woodsy vacation resort, full time. I am thankful.