Back when I was in the corporate world, I used to delay parts of myself. I'd save my creative activities until the weekend, as well as any socializing. I used to put off emotional fits until after work hours, even though it was usually people or circumstances at work that prompted them. I'd wait til I got home to come unglued, lest I undermine my progress at work. I even delayed illness until such times as I could afford it? Like over a long weekend or during vacations and holiday breaks.

I felt driven to succeed. I was a woman fighting the ol' boy network. At the time it was a rare thing for a woman to work in technology, but it was my niche. I was a natural, and that was a good thing, because I had to be better than the best man around in order to shatter the glass ceilings. I'm proud to say that I did just that.

It has occurred to me, since all the moving stuff, that I fell back on my skill in delay tactics. I am really worn out. I was worn out from nearly the beginning. I had too much to do and not enough money or time or energy to do it. But... I did it. I trudged on, often by sheer force of will. And now I am stuck on a seesaw of recovery. Most of every day I just want to collapse, be null and void, lay like broccoli. I tell myself it's unwarranted. It's all done. How could I be exhausted now? But the truth is, I didn't have the luxury of exhaustion from sometime in March until mid June.

So, I put off my collapse. Now I can have it. I'm probably dragging it out longer by taking it piece-meal, but I guess I really don't know how to shut down completely. Over the last couple of weeks I've forced long baths and frequent naps. I've made myself sit zombie-like in front of the TV even when there's nothing on. All that zoning has helped, but I still catch myself in weeping fits over nothing, and moments without the energy to move. I know this is all months of effort and stress working its way to the surface and out, but it's still rather annoying.

It's kind of like trying to catch up on sleep. It never really works, but I shall try. I have a new place to explore and a new house to shape into my own private sanctuary. I look forward to it... when I can keep my eyes open and clear. I do love this place. It has the feel of living in a woodsy vacation resort, full time. I am thankful.

There is a machine, a marvelous machine, whose hulk is unmistakable, but generally ignored. The quietly humming sentinel stands tall, unmoving, keeping safe many treasures, and sometimes science projects. It generally needs no tending, only filling and the occasional sorting or shuffling of items within. It makes no demands of its own. It is a giver of light, when asked. It is a giver of cold, without having to be reminded. In fact, it gives quite selflessly of everything in its possession, in exchange for a mere pittance of energy to simply do its protective work. It keeps out intruders, except for those possessing opposable thumbs and enough muscle power to gain entry. All in all, it is a marvel, yet woefully taken for granted.

Yes, our refrigerator was delivered today and I am thrilled to let the Coleman cooler return to its previously designated use. I may not even mind the next few grocery trips as I restock, and no longer have a daily quest for bags of ice. I shall also enjoy the ease of stuffing my glass into the door of the thing to get ice and/or ice water. Oh yes, refrigeration was one of our best inventions. I am thankful.

Well, others in my lil cluster of pals have chosen to list 100 things about themselves, so I will too. Here tis:
1) I appreciate Everything (eventually).
2-100) See #1

What did you expect? I'm an infernal optimist. Besides, I'm quicksilver (duh). Any more detail on such a list would be obsolete before I posted it.

Oh yes, I have failed to mention that I am here, in my new house, in my new woods. I am soaking in my hot tub at least once daily. My ass and I are exceedingly happy that there will be no more road trips back and forth.

OH and I have high-speed cable internet access! FINALLY. No more mini soul deaths while waiting for pages to load at 24.6Kbps

The old house is up for sale. If you're curious, it's MLS #43585. We'd like a purchaser yesterday and a closing tomorrow. Thank you. :)

I think maybe the Blogger server is in the Pacific Time Zone, but for me it's already Friday, June 11th. Today, I try to pack all my 'camping' gear and move-leftovers into my PT Cruiser and... drive home... to my new home.. one more time. I am ready for all the extra chores and long road trips to be done. I am ready to make my home in the Ark.

I am ready to soak in my new whirlpool tub til I'm the pruniest of prunes and my freckles bubble off. I am ready to sit out on my marvelous deck and stare into the woods in the evenings, listening to the sounds of summer. I'm ready to have a good stiff drink then drift off to sleep in the arms of my husband, lover, and friend, for many moons to come.

As my latenight pal Bill pointed out, this is the end of one chapter and start of a new one. It's time to turn the page.

June 9th is my birthday. Happy Birthday to Me ;) Ghost bought us a lottery ticket. If the universe is looking for gift ideas, 21 million would be a really nice present. I could do a lot of marvelous things for a lot of marvelous people with my half of that.

This moving thing is grinding down at last. I'll likely be camped out in this empty house til Friday afternoon, but it's nearly all ready for me to GO. Got the carpet steam-cleaned today. Ghost was here too and will be here again tomorrow to finish up remaining TO DOs. The realtor is coming Thursday afternoon. Ghost plans to be here briefly on Friday to send me on my way. I plan to fill the interim hours with rest. I could use some 'null and void' time. I feel like my mind has been awhirl for months, since Spouse first mentioned sending out his resume.

Ghost is still looking for actual employment. We want him to get to Ark as well. That can progress now that my business is off the agenda. I would not have waylaid him for the world, but the circumstances were there. It has been a fantastic opportunity for both of us. His spouse has been grateful for the cashflow to supplement unemployment.

It feels like the transition is fading into whatever phase comes next. I think I'm ready. I am certainly willing. As one of my favorite poems says, I lean upon the window sill of heaven and, with that picture in my mind and heart, turn strong to meet the day.

Just a little bit of recovery time, so I can catch up with myself, and then... I'm good to go.

LTNS. Last week was the actual move. Loaded up on Tues and hauled to Ark. Unloaded on Wednesday. Again I thank the Powers for Ghost. The U-Haul truck was a 5-speed diesel dinosaur. It could have been perilous for me to drive it. Even though I do know how to drive a stick, this was a different animal. I had also stayed up all night Monday night trying to get the last of the packing done. I was supposed to drive my car so I could stay over the weekend to setup the house for Spouse so we could get him out of that expensive apartment. I couldn't have stayed awake for the drive. I decided to do the safe thing and rent a transport for my car. So, the diesel dino had a tag-along. Fun to be on a road trip with Ghost, even if the vehicle was a 15 yr old rattle trap weighing a few tons.

I have come to think of the new place as my treehouse. The deck is marvelous. The view from all but the front windows is forest. The birds are plentiful and lyrical. I've already filled the hummingbird feeder and they've already found it. Sunday morning, Spouse and I caught sight of the brightest little bluebird either of us has ever seen. I'll take that as a good omen.

I had a visit from a wood thrush a couple of days earlier. It miscalculated and flew into one of the bedroom windows. Stunned, he sat on the deck for a while, long enough for me to approach. He let me close enough to pet him. He let me slip my fingers under his feet and perched in my hand a minute. I set him back down and eventually he hopped to the edge of the deck then flew. He and his mate have a nest under the deck, with eggs. They are very welcome neighbors.

Ghost got to stick around through Friday morning before returning himself and the truck to MO. It was rather surreal to have him around all that time. We did a few impromptu rituals. After all, Wednesday was a full moon. We remember asking the Ancient Ones for that opportunity shortly after we met. Our wish was granted in spades.

It was also rather surreal for Ghost and Spouse and I to sit and chat comfortably together in the house and for dinner out. I'll have to say the comfort level wasn't all that surprising to me because I know both of them very well. Spouse was at work or at the apartment most of the time. Ghost and I stayed at the house. It was all quite natural, though I think very few people in today's society would understand how. These two men got along just fine and of course I am glad for both, in different ways, for different reasons. How Gemini of me, eh?

Ghost and I noticed a rather dramatic natural arbor visible from the deck. It's a couple of large trees whose limbs arch over to each other. There must be 20 or so feet between their trunks, and easily 40-50 ft up to the peak of the arch. Oddly, though the forest is rather thick otherwise, there is a noticeable little clearing between these two trees. Ghost set a stone circle in the space, about 12 ft across. He placed 12 large stones aligned with cardinal points and positions in between. So now I have my own compass, my own little stonehenge, and a reminder of that magical week with Ghost. Spouse thinks it's clever, although he doesn't put much stock in any other significance for such things.

On June 3rd, Ghost and I saw the full moon seemingly perched just above the peak of the arbor. She was large and bright white. I will again take this as a good omen. It felt very much like a blessing.

The transition isn't quite done, but nearly. Even though the move has been stressful, and no matter what happens from now, I will always cherish the memories from last week.