Recently saw an old Twilight Zone episode about an aladin-type genie lamp. Instead of three wishes, this genie would only grant one. The wisher went through several scenarios --- love, money, power --- while trying to figure out what single wish to make. In the end, in Twilight Zone style, he chose to be the genie.

I started thinking about what single wish I might make. It wouldn't be for love or money or power, but what -would- I wish?

I was also reminded of the Numpty's old IRC tag line "Do you know the wish of your heart?" To be honest, that question always perturbed me because I had no clue. I could not determine the wish of my heart. I mean, I wish the best for all my friends and family. I even have specific wishes for them, things I think they want and I'd love to see their dreams come true. Of course, I want the usual, like peace in the world, love and happy lives for all children, etc. But, a wish for me? My heart's wish? *shrug* No idea. I have a few things on my wish list that would be nice, but none are significant enough to be THE wish of my heart.

That question has nagged at me over time, but after a couple of weeks with it really stirring in the background, ie, being mulled over in my hindbrain... I found my answer. It may be sappy or cliche or too vague and general, but it is indeed the wish of my heart. Actually, just thinking about it makes me misty.

My biggest most important wish?
To be the best Me.

In truth, it has always been there, under the surface and behind most of what I do and who I have been for most of my life. I have sometimes faltered under ego or frustration or outside pressures, but at the base of me I am striving to be my best. Somewhere out before me is an ideal person, a perfect citizen of this world and the universe, someone who loves unconditionally, supports without judgement, gives without thought of return... At the same time, there must be humility and at no time should I act with an eye on some reward. It has to come from within and be its own reward because it makes me a better me.

One thing I have preached but failed to follow myself, is to care for me as much as I care for others. That's one of the traps of even the seemingly most selfless person. But truly, I cannot be Me if I am completely selfless. <--- Profound, eh? There has to be a Me, a strong, empowered, confident, soulful me... else I have nothing to give to others. To quote my own preaching, I "cannot pour from an empty vessel."

It's masochistic to serve without self-service. I must also allow others to serve me as I serve them, when they offer. And sometimes, I have to ask for what I need, when I feel another is capable and willing to give it. Without the willingness to receive as well as give, one can fall into martyrdom and that becomes a sort of left-handed reward, feeding some dark need for the drama? I don't want to be a martyr or a masochist, nor do I want to use others for selfish purposes. I simply want to be fully in the stream of give and receive that passes rightfully between souls.

So, what has been a sort of unconscious wish to be my best, now becomes a conscious ambition. My parents and others have given me a great start. Some of it I do as easily as breathing. But I also have to unlearn the downside, like leaving nothing for me. I need to balance out the flow and become a two-way pipeline, letting my energy flow out but also letting energy from others flow back in and through me... so my vessel is always filled and I have plenty to not only exchange with others, but to be my best self.

PS - For those whom I have plagued with my numeric triplets conundrum, please note the date: 2/22. Interesting, no? Significant? phht Maybe, maybe not. hehe