Stopped at local post office just after I hit the road for the Alb trip. Had to mail garage door openers and a spare door key for the house in AR since I forgot to drop them off with the realtor before I left town. ANYway, I didn't know whether to laugh or scream when the postal clerk told me the cost of the postage. Here's the receipt...



Do ya see wot ahm sayin'?!
various house clocks, thermostat, car trip odometer, car clock, microwave, and now receipt... everyfreakinwhere

In other news: Met the surgeon in Alb. He's fine, nice, seems well-versed and competent. Very much like the guy in AR whom I liked. They really are very similar and, per the one in AR, they are identical in skill. NO date for surgery yet. Gotta have another diagnostic first, which I suspected. They're gonna try to schedule that here in LC so I don't have to drive to Alb for it. Will take a few days to find out when that is. THEN, if and only if the results are perfect, ie, no leaks of any kind, they'll be able to schedule the surgery. *sigh* Patience... I shoulda asked for a goodly dose of patience when I signed up for this lifetime.

PS - Yes, I'm back home. I decided I was good for the drive back. Still a long day. Going down for a nap now. :)

PPS - When I got settled in at home, I checked the front stoop for an expected UPS delivery. There was none, however, there was a PIG in my front yard. To me it looked like a pig, a wild pig, except it seemed to be wearing a collar. I thought, who would put a collar on a pig? He ran off pretty quickly so I only caught a glimpse of his build and coarse grey and black hair... and the apparent collar. It soon occurred to me that it was indeed a wild thing and the collar was maybe a marking in his hair/fur. Sure enough, after a little web search, I found out that from South America up through the American Southwest one may find the "collared peccary". So, I gots wild pig things running around here, eh? They are also called Javelinas (Spanish for javelin) due to sharp tusks. They reportedly may be smelled before seen and one should stay upwind if possible. Intewesteen.

Finally meeting with surgeon in Alb today at 2:30pm. Hoping to have a date (asap in March, please) for the reversal when I walk outta there. Might need to stay over in Alb if the 3-4 hour drive up proves to be enough for one day and/or if any diagnostics are needed and they can be scheduled for Wednesday.

Have also done a little web research on adjuvant chemotherapy. Pleased to be finding support for my regimen preference of continuous infusion (24/7 IV machine in a fanny pack) vs bolus (megadose for hours in clinic followed by days/week of suffering?). There can easily be side effects from continuous infusion too, but I handled the neoadjuvant rounds so well, I really think I'd do much better with that. Gonna have big powwows with the chemo oncologist(s) about options.

I was beginning to doubt the need for any further treatment since the main surgery seems to have 'got it all'. However, I have read enough to believe that futher chemo is prudent in the prevention of recurrence or possible traveling of cancer cells elsewhere in my body (micrometastases). While they checked and there was no evidence of any spread outside the tumor area which was completely removed, sometimes the micros can escape detection. Chemotherapy usually wipes them out. I'm all for that, even if it's just insurance.

Enough clinical talk for now. I'm going back to web and channel surfing :) I'm such a media junkie.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most.
We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?'
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us.
And when we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.”
by Maryanne Willaimson
as quoted by Nelson Mandela
in his 1994 inaugural speech

Xanadu, I'd email this to you but since your email is busted.... Sadly, this Mercury retrograde IS likely to hit you harder than most because it's happening in your sign., Aquarius. Pisceans are likely having trouble too. When it happens in June, I get pounded even worse because, as a Gemini, Mercury is my ruling planet. I mean, when your ruling planet goes backwards, you're really screwed. hehe

Hang in there, sistah. Eventually ol Merc straightens up, as you know. Get back in the foxhole and put your helmet on tighter.

For those who want to know:
Mercury started backing up on Feb 14th at 10° Pisces
It will stop to redirect on Mar 8th (Ghost's birthday ;) at 25° Aquarius
Mercury will catch up to its designated path on Mar 28th (naturally at 10° Pisces)

For those who are thinking, "Planets don't back up in their orbits!!"... let us remember that we're referring to the astrological event called a 'retrograde' in which planets -appear- to go backwards through the zodiac wheel in the sky :)

Mercury retrogrades are the most common and often the most perturbing because they affect communication (phones, satellites, verbal discourse, etc), transportation, computers and sometimes even written transport/communications, like contracts.

In my experience, it's the days when Mercury jerks that cause the most trouble. The initial stop for reversal, the stop for redirect to forward motion, and even the jerky resync at the end. Those three days are usually the worst, at least for me.

Mercury retrogrades usually happen about three times a year and we often blame the trouble on sunspots and such. IMO, it's the messenger of the gods getting tongue-tied, and we catch the hell for it. hehe

Walking through the hallway.
Happened to glance at the thermostat.
It displays time as well as temp.
Guess what time it was?
3:33

Yeah.

Answers! Questions I got. I want answers.

Okay Joyous one... I took the bait and... it's a little scary. hehe

DIANA - Dreamy Individual Adeptly Needing Affection
well, actually, yes

ARIANDA - Amorous Ravishing Individual Administering Naughty Delights and Affection
spooky, eh?

GRIFFEN - Goddess Rendering Intense Fantasies and Fantastic, Erotic Necking
erm, close? sometimes? when I'm in the mood?

QUICKSILVER - eh, too many letters... hehe

Recently saw an old Twilight Zone episode about an aladin-type genie lamp. Instead of three wishes, this genie would only grant one. The wisher went through several scenarios --- love, money, power --- while trying to figure out what single wish to make. In the end, in Twilight Zone style, he chose to be the genie.

I started thinking about what single wish I might make. It wouldn't be for love or money or power, but what -would- I wish?

I was also reminded of the Numpty's old IRC tag line "Do you know the wish of your heart?" To be honest, that question always perturbed me because I had no clue. I could not determine the wish of my heart. I mean, I wish the best for all my friends and family. I even have specific wishes for them, things I think they want and I'd love to see their dreams come true. Of course, I want the usual, like peace in the world, love and happy lives for all children, etc. But, a wish for me? My heart's wish? *shrug* No idea. I have a few things on my wish list that would be nice, but none are significant enough to be THE wish of my heart.

That question has nagged at me over time, but after a couple of weeks with it really stirring in the background, ie, being mulled over in my hindbrain... I found my answer. It may be sappy or cliche or too vague and general, but it is indeed the wish of my heart. Actually, just thinking about it makes me misty.

My biggest most important wish?
To be the best Me.

In truth, it has always been there, under the surface and behind most of what I do and who I have been for most of my life. I have sometimes faltered under ego or frustration or outside pressures, but at the base of me I am striving to be my best. Somewhere out before me is an ideal person, a perfect citizen of this world and the universe, someone who loves unconditionally, supports without judgement, gives without thought of return... At the same time, there must be humility and at no time should I act with an eye on some reward. It has to come from within and be its own reward because it makes me a better me.

One thing I have preached but failed to follow myself, is to care for me as much as I care for others. That's one of the traps of even the seemingly most selfless person. But truly, I cannot be Me if I am completely selfless. <--- Profound, eh? There has to be a Me, a strong, empowered, confident, soulful me... else I have nothing to give to others. To quote my own preaching, I "cannot pour from an empty vessel."

It's masochistic to serve without self-service. I must also allow others to serve me as I serve them, when they offer. And sometimes, I have to ask for what I need, when I feel another is capable and willing to give it. Without the willingness to receive as well as give, one can fall into martyrdom and that becomes a sort of left-handed reward, feeding some dark need for the drama? I don't want to be a martyr or a masochist, nor do I want to use others for selfish purposes. I simply want to be fully in the stream of give and receive that passes rightfully between souls.

So, what has been a sort of unconscious wish to be my best, now becomes a conscious ambition. My parents and others have given me a great start. Some of it I do as easily as breathing. But I also have to unlearn the downside, like leaving nothing for me. I need to balance out the flow and become a two-way pipeline, letting my energy flow out but also letting energy from others flow back in and through me... so my vessel is always filled and I have plenty to not only exchange with others, but to be my best self.

PS - For those whom I have plagued with my numeric triplets conundrum, please note the date: 2/22. Interesting, no? Significant? phht Maybe, maybe not. hehe

I can do stuff!

Got the expected help Saturday so all the furniture is in place now. Spent the rest of the day cleaning the china cabinet (lots of mirror and glass) as well all the crystal and china, then loaded up the cabinet. It's beautiful, like jewelry for the great room. SO great to be able to finish a task!

Next up is unpacking boxes of CDs, DVDs and VHS tapes to then be loaded into the living room entertainment center. Can also work on cleaning and loading up a second hutch which I'm actually using as a library unit in the sitting room. Got boxes of books for that one. Needs a shelf though. When we bought it cheap at a furniture auction, part of the reason for the great price was a missing glass shelf. Still, I can at least pile up all the books there and be done with more boxes!

There are also doors and drawers in the hutch for storage of other crap I don't want on display or cluttering closets. Another bonus... and more empty boxes!

All of this relieves a bit of the tension from being stalled out otherwise. YES!

Good News: I'm feeling good. Resting a lot and being careful otherwise so I don't rupture anything. Healing continues and I'm okay with the ileostomy for as long as I have to put up with it.

Bad News: I'm in a holding pattern on two fronts (body, houses) which is the source of my lack of focus or concentration on anything else. Too much keeps churning in my head and I keep cycling back to "Can't yet." or "Don't have enough info yet." or "Money isn't there yet." blah blah whirl spin churn

Waiting for appointment with surgeon to discuss ileostomy reversal. Appt scheduled for Feb 27th at which time I presume we will set the date for the surgery which should be as soon as the surgeon and hospital are available. Was supposed to do it in early March but with the initial surgeon meeting so late in February I don't know how quickly it can happen.

Post-reversal chemo is also a relative unknown. Will begin after I'm recovered and may continue for 6 months. Not pleased with what I was told to expect, ie more traditional megadose every two weeks (thus spread out so I can recover from serious and debilitating effects?). I am anxious to discuss options and maybe get a better idea of what./when/how and push for more humane option like I had before, ie the fanny pack delivering constant small doses 24/7. My body and spirit tolerated that very well. We'll see.

Still waiting for the other house to sell before I can get much needed furniture here and do other much desired decorating. Can't even ponder these things while effectively paying two mortgages (but that doesn't keep me from doing it!). Also been waiting on help to move the current furniture into correct places, but that should happen this weekend. Spouse has contracted some day labor to come on Saturday and help with those moves.

So, I'm kinda revved up mentally but idling in reality. That's tough for me. I freely admit I am woefully short on patience.

Addendum: Forgot to be thankful for the ability to pay for both houses, even if it leaves us without any discretionary funds. I'm glad we -can- do it. Also more thankful than expressed about feeling good and being functional while in limbo :)