Selected Funnies...
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A man walks into a dentist's office, the dentist asks him "How can I help you?"
The man replies "I think I'm a moth."
"Well, you need to see a psychiatrist, not a dentist."
"I know that" the man replies.
"Then why did you come in here?"
"The light was on."
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A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"
The doctor asked, "Is this her first child?"
"No, ya dummy!" the man shouted, "This is her husband."
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Q - Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A - Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
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Two antennae meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!
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A psychiatrist interviewed three patients to see if they could be released from the hospital. He asked them one easy question, "What is 8 times 5?"
The first patient said, "139". The doctor just shook his head.
He turned to the second patient who replied "Wednesday!". The doctor frowned.
He turned to the third patient who gleefully said, "That's easy, 40!"
While the doctor went to his desk to fill out the third patient's release papers, the first patient whispered to the third, "How did you figure that one out?"
"It was simple" replied the third patient, "I just divided 139 by Wednesday!"
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A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground that reads: "The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now--Before It's Too Late!" As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say "Bridge Out?"
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A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard... The hunter says, "OK, now what?"
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