Boundaries. There is great freedom in recognizing your boundaries. Sounds contradictory, doesn't it? We think of boundaries as fences or walls to confine us, or lines we're supposed to color within. We have a right to breach these when we feel urged to. These sorts of boundaries are usually set by the group or community we're in. We can choose to move them or break them. We have that power because we are individuals and each is free to make their own choices, whether those choices are echoed or disdained by others.

However, there are legitimate personal boundaries which we often do not honor and this can be a major cause of stress, guilt and remorse. Many times we can't determine where these boundaries are or we don't stop to consider where a boundary lies and why we have placed it there.

Your personal boundaries are not restrictions, merely recognition of where your responsibility and effectiveness begin and end. Some of us tend to feel that we should do everything for everyone. We are definitely in need of boundaries. We know, from logic and experience, that we cannot really do everything for everyone. When we try, we get exhausted, frustrated, disappointed in ourselves or others. It isn't healthy, yet we continue to try to do it. We often extend ourselves far beyond any reasonable, practical boundaries.

Let's quit it.

To help determine where your current boundaries are, pay attention to what irks you, what makes you feel like a servant, or tugs at your heart in a hurtful way. Notice instances when you feel that your effort is being wasted or taken for granted. These are cues. Listen to your own feelings and determine why you're working so hard at these things and getting nowhere or not getting the results you expect.

Granted, there are times when our endeavors are simply not easy. How many times must a mother tell her child, "Hang up your coat. Hang up your coat. Hang up your coat..." until the message sticks? That's something you have to work out. Where is your limit on these efforts? Are you taking care to protect yourself from sheer exhaustion by evaluating what you are doing, why, and even how? If you feel you are treading the same ground over and over again, that nothing changes despite your efforts, you may need to change your angle of attack. (Is the coat rack in a convenient place? Do you often pick up the coat yourself just to keep from having to say it one more time? What does this tell the child?...etc)

Recognize that many people are not sensitive to subtle boundary cues. They will push until you tell them they've crossed the line. If you do not establish that line, they reasonably assume that you to not have one. Do you see? Don't let the others in your life decide how far is too far. They may not be aware that you feel pushed to a breaking point. YOU must tell them, and preferrably long before the break actually occurs. Furthermore, words are sometimes not enough. You must demonstrate with your actions. If you 'give in', aren't you resetting your boundary? You may not think so, but others will perhaps read it that way. Reluctance may or may not indicate a boundary is nearby, but refusal is the actual line which others usually read.

Be aware of the smaller crunches and stings. Bring them up for discussion before you're at wit's end. This way you can work out reasonable compromises or at least alert the other(s) that you DO have boundaries and you would like to establish them so you can truly enjoy their company and your own. This applies to friends, workmates, spouses, children, relatives... every single person in your life. Some of us can be very sensitive to the boundaries of others and that's terrific, but unless you establish your own, you become nothing more than a bundle of what everyone else wants, needs, and expects. You lose YOU, because you have let your boundaries be overrun by all others.

Scientifically, do you know what happens when an object is squeezed down so tightly that it becomes a single point? It explodes. Does this sound familiar? You feel pressured and burdened until you have lost almost all of yourself and then finally burst outward, emotionally and/or violently, in response. Sure, people may give you a wide berth for a while, but gradually they seem to start in on you again? This means they cannot read your boundaries. What you've shown them is that you apparently have none until they hit that trip wire which causes the explosion. Only then have you let them see your limit.

Find your boundaries or set them for yourself. Share them while you are calm and the 'offense' is rather small. Don't let offenses stockpile and crush you until you explode all over the people you love, or demolish yourself.

PS - This is a slightly modified version of an article I wrote for the Venusian Voice area of my website Quicksilver but boundaries really apply to everyone. We have a lot to learn.

PPS - Don't bitch about the length of this blog. I gave ya'll a couple of quickies. I was due! hehe