Ya know, this ailment is deeply disturbing on many levels. I cannot isolate the affected area. It's not like I can put my digestive system on hold to let it heal. There's also a lag in cause/effect due to processing time, so when I try stuff, I can't tell for sure what works and what doesn't. All I know for sure is I'm tired of thinking about it and dealing with it. There's entirely too much trauma involved in what should be a natural process. It's wearing on me psychologically as well as physically. I mean, I can't help thinking, What kind of moron can't manage their own shit?

Spouse and I celebrated our 15th anniversary on the 19th. It's amazing to me that I've been married for 15 years. Spouse and I both agree that we're better than ever together. Over the years our relationship has changed and for the good, especially lately, despite the trials and tribulations mundane life tosses in. This experiment is working well. I think I'll go for another 15 and then some ;)

During this period in which my ass is basically out of order and I am unable to sit like a normal person for long periods of time or be productive otherwise... I've stretched out and watched entirely too much television. While doing so, I've often found it a challenge to locate a tolerable bit of entertainment in which people are not being hurt or hurting each other. I'm just not into death and destruction. I don't like gore at all, and I'm not too keen on angst of any sort. I don't even like it when people make fools of each other, especially when it's vicious.

I like comedy. I like suspense. I like wit and clever plot puzzles, and yeah, I like sap. Make me cry, but for good reasons. I love catching people doing good things to and for each other; it does my heart good. I can handle some difficulties as long as they get all sorted out for a happy ending. Apparently, I am in the minority?

What IS it with people being so addicted to DRAMA... not drama or even Drama... but DRAMA or maybe even DRAMA ???

Why is our society so seemingly hungry for ugliness that we let the media smother us in it, all day, every day? Why does the news have to be bad? Why do movies have to be about killing or being killed, figuratively or literally? Why do video games have to be about death and destruction? Why does love have to hurt? Why does gain have to come from deviousness? etc and so on, ad nauseum.

Why are people so addicted to the adrenaline rush of turmoil? It IS possible to get adrenaline from positive experiences, but people have forgotten how?

I get a rush from a warm breeze, birds in flight, wind rippling over water, sunlight, moonlight, cool comfortable complete darkness, swelling musical scores, children's laughter, a baby's smile... All that other dark stuff makes me flinch, gives me a knot in my stomach or throat, or downright hurts, even if it's virtual, as in movies or books. I don't like it. I don't want it. I for damned sure am not going looking for it. In fact, I spend a lot of time side-stepping it.

It is a choice.
We all have the choice.
It's a matter of choosing where to focus.

"Accentuate the positive... Eliminate the negative... Latch on to the affirmative... Don't mess with Mister In-Between...
"You've got to spread joy up to the maximum... Bring gloom down to the minimum... Have faith, or pandemonium is liable to walk upon the scene..."

There's lots of pandemonium in our world today, and you wanna guess why? Because no matter how much they bitch and whine about it, people like it. They crave it. They are addicted to it. I... am not. I choose to avoid it when possible and downplay it when I can't completely side-step it, and I combat it with positive thinking and silver-lining hunting, even if I have to make it up.

It bothers me a little that I can't help everyone be as I am, but rather than sink into the mire with them, I just have to let the rest of the world drown in their own sorrows if they really want to. It's not my fault they won't even look around for a ray of sunshine. Eh, maybe they'll see me standing in a nice warm beam, smiling, and eventually try to join me?

Nothing to say but whining about absence of income against expenses far exceeding the usual. Timing is everything and royally sucks on all sides of the equation right now. I'll spare you the details. They're whirring in my head like a frog in a blender. No need to share that. It's not pretty. Pissing and moaning is not one of my characteristic activities. Besides, it doesn't really fix anything, does it? I'd ask for cheese to go with my whine, but it's probably not a good thing for me, considering.

A shiny new year. I'll take it, although I'm not entirely sure I will like where it goes? Or more to the point, where *I* go, if in fact I am called to go, which I'm hoping is only a temporary mirage and that I will not be asked to move at all. But...

Spouse's job hunt continues. It was veritably stalled during the holidays. Now it looks like he will be going to Oregon next week for a job interview which could land us in west Texas? For the record: I DO NOT WANT TO MOVE. I DEFINITELY DO NOT WANT TO MOVE FURTHER WEST.

Aren't the Powers That Be listening to me at all? I feel I've done good work for the greater good. I feel I've listened, paid attention, worked with the Powers. I am annoyed that there seems to be very little interest in working with me on what I want. As a rule, I don't ask for much, and dammit, I am tired of moving. I feel I've barely gotten settled from the last move and I had to look really hard to get my head and heart around the whys and wherefores of being here, but I became okay with it. I understood. I complied. I worked with it.

Surely there's a little compensation due me, even if it's just to leave me where I am? I mean, I'm in a really good central location. Can't I do whatever I need to do from here?

*sigh* pleasedontmovemepleasedontmovemepleasedontmovemeAGAIN.