Now we have a REAL crisis. All that other stuff? HA! No big deal compared to this!! .... My fingernails are messed up! :)

Seriously though, a kind of double ridge has developed across all my fingernails, creating a line where the nails are extremely thin. I mean, there's like a real dip across each nail. Since my fingernails are famously thick and hard -as- nails and I practically have to use tile nippers to keep them cut back, the ridge/depression is an indication of the dip in my health. I find it oddly interesting, while annoying as well, of course.

I'm sure it's like the rings of a tree actually. If I knew the usual rate of growth, I might be able to tell precisely when the ridge was formed. As it is, I've only really noticed it as it has grown out to about the middle of my nail pads. It has become more than a cosmetic thing since my fingernails have started to crack on the sides (ends) of some of the ridges. I obviously canNOT allow them to snap there because half my fingertips would be ripped off.

SOooo, I'm cutting off all my pretty fingernails to lessen the possibility of a snap (from leverage, cantilevering, stress points, etc). I'll use my favorite repair trick (superglue ;) to reinforce the existing cracks... until that ridge grows out and off the ends of my fingers. Worst case, I can go to a salon and have them coat my nails with their acrylic stuff to temporarily reinforce them and protect my fingeees.

The cause is... Cancer? Chemo? Surgery? All of the above? *shrug* Whatever. It's like a bad hair cut. Grows back eventually. *g* (Still qualifies as a Nail Crisis though! hehe)

Good news is that the nail behind the ridge appears to be nearly as thick as before. Even if this current chemo affects me again, I shall resume. :) I not worried.

During a triple-stop grocery run to LC, the only number I noticed on my car trip odometer --- 11.1     hahahahaha

In other news, Spouse had to take a trip this week and he brought me back an early birthday present --- a roll-up piano keyboard!! I LOVE IT. I always thought it would be cool to have one. It doesn't have the same feel as a real piano of course, but you can't roll up a real piano into a 6" square and stuff it into a little carrying case. :)

Actually, I own an upright piano. I asked for it for Christmas when I was 15. I never thought I'd get it, but it's the only thing I really wanted. Santa came through and it sat in the foyer of my parents' home even after I moved out into my own place. Since I was renting and knew I'd likely move a lot, I didn't take it with me.

I never did take lessons, but I played by ear and picked out a lot of stuff, incl "If I Were A Rich Man" from Fiddler on the Roof, the love theme from Zeffirelli's Romeo & Juliet and Mike Oldfield's "Tubular Bells" aka The Exorcist theme. (Damn, there's another favorite album I had in vinyl that I haven't replaced with CD. *note to self...*) I can read music but only my right hand can execute it. My left is only good for minimal notes or simple chords.

Fast forward about 10 years to when my Grandmother (96 this year and still going!) was suddenly without a piano. Hers was just too ancient to even remotely hold tune anymore and several of the keys were completely dead. It was an upright antique with all kinds of decorative wood trim on the high face of it, looking a lot like a player piano.

Grandma has been playing the piano all her life. She was the accompianist in her little country church for decades and still subs now and then. She regularly plays the piano at home for her own enjoyment, usually hymns.

Anyway, Grandma needed a piano and I was still single and moving around from rental to rental, SO I offered to get my piano out of Mom and Dad's foyer (in Lex Ky) and into Grandma's house (in So OH). Mom and Dad paid to have it moved and tuned. Thus, Grandma has had custody of my piano ever since.

I made it clear that it is hers for as long as she lives. She has made it clear to everyone that it must come back to me when she no longer needs it. I further stipulated that I am in no hurry to get my piano back ;) I hope she lives to 120 and wears the ivory off the keys.

When I do eventually 'inherit' it back, I will cherish it more than ever because it will have Grandma's love of music stored in it. Much to Mom and Dad's chagrin, it may end up back in their house until some miracle or retirement gets me and Spouse back to Ky. Damned if I can justify moving a piano from OH to NM then on to wherever else we end up before I can get back homeward again (always a goal).

In the meantime, I can roll out my new toy and play at will! WooHoo!

1:11am
5:55pm


But, to show I am retaining my sense of humor...

... Spontaneous Fruit Dance!

The world is big. The world is small.

I bet I've blogged about this before, but I am frankly amazed at the volume of stuff available on TV. And I must say that 'stuff' in this case mostly means unmitigated crap. So much of it seems like a total waste of time and I can't believe anyone spent time, money, or energy doing it. On the other hand, the people involved surely were able to have shelter and food because of it.

TV isn't the only place where such excess occurs, of course. Once again, I know I've bitched about the cereal aisle at the grocery, ie, how many freakin forms of the same basic grains do we really need? Still, I'm sure every cereal mfgr worker is glad they have a job so they can feed their kids.

There's just too much, everywhere, all the time, too much of everything. But that's not my real world. I am not into all of that. I create my world from my interests, my choices, my actions. That's the world that counts. It's not an ego thing, it's a practical reality thing.

I am literally at the center of my own universe because there's no other way to be. I cannot be at the center of anyone else's universe. If I think I am or think I can be, then I am deluded or the other individual is without identity. Not good. Nor would it be appropriate (or even truly possible) for me to set someone else at the center of my reality.

What works is when centers decide to orbit with each other. They remain individuals, but choose to travel together. Through extensions, several people mingle around in their journeys together. Family and friends and brief acquaintances and life partners and so on, all bump around, but they are still --- and must be --- their own entities. Even if I were separated from every other soul on this planet, I would still be me, I would still be real, and whether I felt it or not, I would still be whole.

So despite the immensity of what's 'out there', what counts is what's 'in here', in me and the smaller world in which I function. The stuff that's important to me is all important, whether it's a brief moment on my timeline or a big cause which draws my attention and energy for years. What's important is what I recognize as part of my own sphere, whether I put it there or allow it to enter. Everything else is just... atmosphere. It's interesting and gives me options, but it's just not important unless I choose to bring it into my focus.

It's all a matter of which channels I select, no? So, life is kinda like... existential channel flipping? hehe And 'bad' things, like the cancer deal? Well, sometimes I run the dial and there's just nothing else on and so I go with it and take from it what I can. *shrug* I'm okay with that.

Ever seen a Coke bomb? I have to tell on myself because now it's funny, although right when it happened, I wasn't as amused. I'd bought a 24 pack of Cokes. I set the box on the kitchen counter. I opened the refrigerator door. I tore open one end of the Coke box and planned to then move it onto the fridge shelf.

This... did not work.

Five or six of the cans tumbled out of the box and onto the floor. One of those EXPLODED. The impact caused the pop top to pop! Oh yeah, I had Coke splattered ALL over the kitchen floor, in the fridge, on the cabinets, on the walls, on ME.... ALL OVER.

I've mopped the floor twice. It's still sticky. I wiped off the cabinets, walls, inside the fridge door and shelves. I will likely be finding remnant Coke splatters for the next six months.

Funny, I never thought of myself as clumsy, but once in a while I make up for it! hehehe Mercy, whatta mess I can be.

Sanctuary... *soft sigh*... Because of the move, the big surgery, the pouch, the takedown... I could have showers or birdbaths in the sink, but no bathtub. But tonight, oh yes tonight, after more than five months of deprivation... I soaked. Oh baby oh baby oooooh, what a seemingly sinple but exquisite pleasure.

Candlelight and candle scent radiating from the tiled ledge of my glass block window. My garden tub filled with silky scent and cozy water. Meditative soft music in the background. Nothing but drifting fragrance and flickering shadows and serene sounds... and me, wrapped in liquid heaven.

Yessss... Oh yes... Life is good.

Amazing view. Wish I'd had my camera. Was in LC and facing the Organ Mountains that are the backdrop to the east. The weather was perfectly sunny and warm in town, but the mountains were shadowed in clouds and it was apparently raining there. Had to be raining there actually because I saw a HUGE rainbow arced over the misty and partially obscured peaks. HUGE bands of the brilliant color spectrum. I had a helluva time focusing on the traffic as I headed for the highway to come back home. It was just too glorious to look away. Awesome, literally.

(This has been a Wenn Moment :)

Modesty aside, my actual vocabulary is quite extensive. I don't use the best of it because it's redundant having to swap in more common words or offer clarifying explanations, post-confusion. I mean, the point of conversing IS communication and that fails if one person is using words the other just doesn't comprehend, right?

The vastness of my vocabulary extends to the vulgar side as well. *weg* Man, I can sling profanity with the best of them, trust me. But what's funny is, I don't use that stuff when you'd think I might. Generally, the F and S and GDMFSOBRB words are used in mild discomfiture or just to add color to ordinary comments.

What do I say when I am totally blown away, like when I found out one of my anti-nausea drugs costs about $36 per tiny tablet? "Holy Cats!" Yep, not anything offensive, just a bewildered vocal rendition of "Holy Cats!" Yes, I repeated it when I found out that price is for the generic!

I discovered this info when my Rx for qty of 30 was filled for 9 tablets. I called the pharmacy to see if this was an error. No, 9 tablets is all the insurance company will allow within 30 days. I honestly can't blame them, but I think someone should investigate the manufacturer.

I only paid a copay of $10, which is bad enough at $1.11 per. (hehe $1.11... okay that part's funny :) but I am gobsmacked at the full cost, I don't care who is paying it.

You'd better believe I will take as little of this drug as I can. I think maybe I'd rather heave now and then (and I HATE doing that) instead of forking over $36 I don't have for more of this stuff. But... ask me again after 7 more treatments of cumulative side effects. hehe I did take one tablet last night because the nurse said it was a good idea since the pre-chemo stuff commonly wears off by bedtime and the first night after each round could be ugly. Okay, fine, I'll stick with that and hope that covers it. So far, no trouble with my tummy at all.

About $1100 for the full 30?? Holy Cats!! I can't imagine, and don't really want to know, the cost of the brand version, which is Zofran, btw. sheesh

Otherwise, the initial chemo round has had little effect. I know what they meant about the nerve sensations from cold things. It's a tingling akin to when your hand or foot falls asleep and what you feel when it's 'waking up' again. But currently, it's very very mild and fleeting and doesn't always happen. So for now, I'm still drinking iced drinks and handling stuff from the fridge and freezer without gloves.

*slap to forehead* I don't pay attention to the news, not in any medium. It is generally too brutal or depressing for me and and I do not believe it reflects the real world, only the sensational bits that advertisers want to pay for and journalists like to chase.

Sometimes however, I do miss an important tidbit pertinent to my world, like... postal rate increases. Dammit, I JUST bought a roll of 100 stamps, like last week! If there was anything about the increase on the USPS.com page where I bought them, I totally missed it. NOW I have to buy a book of 100 2¢ stamps to go with. That means I'll be double stamping all my mail for about the next six months. *another slap to forehead* Sometimes, Ima Dummy.

Chemo Day. First One. So far, so good. My day started at a run. I was having a really good sleep, really good. I rarely get this pleasure. I did not expect it, so I didn't set an alarm. Thus, I woke up, looked at the clock, 12:14!!! Sheeeit! I was supposed to be at the treatment center at 12:30! 1) I was in my sleepwear 2) I had to put some lidocaine on my portacath area so it would be numb before they hit it 3) The treatment center is about 45 mins!! from my house. DAYAM

Yes, my feet hit the floor, I raced around the house, I threw all my stuff into the car, and I flew like a bat outta hell 'round the twisty road to the highway. Because of the mountains, there's a cell deadzone for most of the twisty road, so I couldn't call the center to tell them I'm coming until I was on the highway. They were okay with my tardiness. I relaxed a bit and at least drove safely from there on in. :)

If you're curious, here's what happenened. (If you're not curious, skip the rest of my blog and have a nice day. I'm fine. ;)

My Afternoon: They accessed the port and took blood samples for testing. They started an IV, giving me anti-nausea meds. When that was finished, they started the oxaliplatin, which is the one that takes the longest, about two hours. I also got leucovorin which is supposed to make the other drugs more effective. When the drips were finished, I got a big dose of 5FU and then they hooked up my line to a ball which is under pressure and will continue to pump in more 5FU over the next two days. That's the fanny pack bit which I'm wearing now and I'll go in Friday afternoon to get that unhooked. Total time: 4 hrs.

I do all that seven more times at two week intervals.

Despite the fact that in my haste I forgot my freakin laptop!, I was fine for the afternoon. They had cable and I watched Green Mile in between catnaps. ;)

So far, no side effects. As I said, all is well, I am fine. (Tom Hanks was good company ;)

Today's Blog part 1:
Happy Cinco de Mayo!
Never marked it much before and not really marking it now except to make sure I stay away from town because it's apparently one big party with a lot of amateur [tequila] drinkers, potentially like New Year's Eve anywhere or maybe St Patrick's Day in Boston, I presume. I have read that Cinco de Mayo is not really a big holiday in Mexico, but has been embraced and blown all out of proportion by US border towns. Cinco de Mayo ("five of May" in Spanish) commemorates the victory of Mexican forces over French occupational forces in the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862. It is not, as many believe, Mexico's Independence Day. Wikipedia says that's celebrated on September 16th.

Today's Blog part 2:
In my blog on March 14th, I said my health situation was "beginning to feel like a major detour and I can't find my way back to the highway." I must reiterate that since the reversal was finally done, I found the on-ramp, I am on the road again, I am back on track. All is well and getting better all the time. I'm even beginning to feel my good ol energy building up and radiating once more. Oh yeah, it feels good. ;)

Today's Blog part 3:
Caught 1:11 on Thursday afternoon. Thought maybe that business would cease since the reversal, if it was related to my health. It didn't, so apparently it wasn't. But, you know, coulda just been a leftover?

Today's Blog part 4:
I ventured out to the grocery Friday afternoon to buy fresh food for resuming the 6WBMO eating plan. I stopped at the deli and asked for two pounds of turkey. The deli guy sliced up a pile of turkey and brought it to the scale, having guessed he'd sliced up about two pounds. I could not explain the likely smirk on my face when the actual weight came to... 2.22 lbs. Nor did I explain why I was willing to purchase almost a quarter pound more than I'd requested. I just smiled and told the fellow the overage was okay and I'd take it. Soooooo... whatever it is, it's still there.

Still doing well! Re-establishing communications so I can properly read the signals, but the adjusted plumbing is working. Although there are some annoyances and misunderstandings, it's better than the pouch business and better than the dysfunction I had originally. I'm actually a little surprised that things are so good so quickly, but naturally very pleased. :)

I'm eating and drinking whatever I want right now but planning to soon get back on that 6WBMO eating plan that got derailed. I think I'd like to knock off another 50 lbs, but don't worry, I'll do it sensibly. I had to put all that on hold because of the volume of the food the plan calls for, but after my body and I get the hang of this new arrangement, it should be a healthy way to go -- good balance of proteins, veggies, fruits and carbs.

Yes, I changed my template. Not sure why. Just something to fiddle with on a Sunday? I hope it doesn't make my blog slower to load. I can't tell because something happened to HughesNet mid-afternoon that sucked all the speed out of my connection and I've fiddled with it on slower than freakin dialup speed. Have had this happen before and it eventually clears up, but in the meantime it grates on me noives.

Anyway, I like the new look. It's called Harbor and I suppose that's the top of a lighthouse in the corner but it feels more like a temple in the sky to me, more ethereal.

Finally found the artist and track from the AMC "anything's possible" ad --- Skye Edwards' Powerful. Just that little clip captures me. I find it soothing and yet full of energy. Had to have the whole song. In fact, after listening to samples from the other tracks, I've ordered the whole album, Mind How You Go. Adding it to my eclectic collection of CDs. It's not precisely the lyrics, but the voice and the music. Once in a while I run across a certain sound that slips in between the cracks of my soul and mends them. Somehow, this music does that for me.

I have no business buying anything unnecessary right now, but I felt the need to buy myself a few gifts, including some items I've had on a wish list for a while. I'm rewarding myself for all I've been through. I'm not completely finished, there's still chemo, but the takedown feels like closure, literally and figuratively.

Besides the Skye CD and a DVD of my most recent favorite movie, Stage Beauty, I ordered some silver charms I've been wanting to add to my necklace: a wee gecko lizard for my desert home, a cute little turtle which is Ghost's spirit animal, and the most significant addition, an ankh symbol, for fairly obviously reasons.

L'chaim :)

Honey, I'm home! :) Sorry I couldn't update earlier. I could get online in the hospital but they had a block on Blogger and a bunch of other websites (for questionable content or to keep employees productive? hehe )

Had the takedown done Tues AM. All went very well. Was awake and resting by early evening. Was up walking the hallways for exercise in the wee hours of the next morning. Did the clear liquids some more then 'full' liquids (aka thick but equally tasteless hospital food ;)

The surgeon visited every morning and this morning, after I reported my... um... potty progress... he set me free!! I have minimal restrictions, mostly the usual 'take it easy, take it slow.' (Did anyone else hear Gandalf? Keep it secret. Keep it safe. hehe)

As previously noted, I'm sure there will be some adjustments, even just re-teaching this dog the old tricks. *grin* But, No more pouches! Just a reasonably small well-done incision where all that used to be... and... I feel great!

I thank all of you who love me and have thought the good thoughts, prayed the good prayers, sent the well-wishes and warm nergies. You helped get me here. *SMOOCH*

Mom and Dad arrived this afternoon. Yay! We're headed for Albqq tomorrow midday to have daylight and stay out of rush hour while showing them where the hospital is and finding a hotel room. Then Tuesday I report to the hospital at 9AM and get rolling. Average stay for this deal is about 4-5 days, they say. It depends entirely on how I feel and how I'm functioning. Will catch y'all on the flipside unless I manage to wi-fi a note in the interim. :}

Over the last week or so, I've been hit almost daily with 1:11 and 3:33 especially. Caught a 2:22 once.

111 - gate of opportunity opening up; make wishes carefully as they shall manifest
333 - hoodoo boogity mucky-mucks are nearby and listening

Okay so I've been seeing the 1's and the 3's and been pretty much just muttering yaddah yaddah under my breath.

As you know, things have been going my way, albeit very damned slowly, haltingly, with much gritting of teeth and jangling of nerves.

You also know that 5:55 is the limit for the clock and, since this all started, I haven't caught anything higher in any other format... til now...

Tonight I was checking our AR house listing. Saw how buried our house is in that depressed market. In fact, the total of houses on the market in BV rivals the number of houses for sale in F'ville, even though F'ville has about 4 times the population. Yeah, the market still sucks.

Now the really interesting thing about the BV number, to me, was that it was... 777.

Message? Maybe it is and maybe it ain't.

According to the same interpretation I am using for the other numbers:
777 - The angels applaud you. Congratulations, you're on a roll! Keep up the good work and know that your wish is coming true. This is an extremely positive sign and means that you should also expect more miracles to occur.

Now THAT would be a nice thing. Getting that house sold would be a miracle. Getting through this surgery, pipeline restart, and chemo without further hitches would be a miracle. Furthermore, although I expect it already, I could still count cancer-free long-tem survival as a miracle too.

Hey out there, Universe, if any of that is what you mean with the numbers, I am buying what you're selling. And you know me, I'd be ever so grateful.

Met with the chemo doc today. She's technically a medical oncologist or a hematology/oncology specialist, but a doctor nonetheless. Her preferred regimen for me is the same as what her counterpart in AR described to me. That means I'll go in twice a month for bloodwork, nausea meds and 3-4 hours with an IV drip. I'll be sent home with a 48 hour infusion pump on my person, then return to have the pump unhooked when it's empty... until the next round. (Skipping possible side effects for now. Will wait and see? Maybe I'll catch some luck there.)

I didn't really get the explanation I wanted to make it clear why it must be bolus (megadose) vs 24/7 infusion for all of the FOLFOX cocktail. It's apparently just the way they do it, everywhere. The chemo doc was a bit concerned that I'm starting so long after surgery. Tell me something I didn't already know. That's a big part of my frustration with all the freakin delays on the takedown. But, we're starting it and that's the main thing.

Anyway, the chemo doc wants to see me two weeks after my takedown surgery, on May 9th. We have tentatively scheduled my first chemo session for that day, if I'm recovered enough and ready. If not, we'll postpone a week.

Good news is...
- I saw the chemo 'theater', ie where all the comfy recliners are. There's a decent view out the windows, a few floors off the ground with a little bit of wildlife to watch in the brush outside, and a busy intersection in the distance to observe too.
- They have cable piped into an individual plasma screen if I want to watch TV, and a very nice and capable nurse who will tend me says the place is a wi-fi hotspot. So, I'll take my loaded wireless laptop, a nice blankie, and I should be set.
- Although the AR chemo doc alluded to 6 months of chemo, he apparently included the suggested two month waiting period after the big surgery. SO, it will actually be only 4 months, 8 treatments total. (Should be done well before the holidays!! *grin*)
- The port-a-cath on my shoulder, which was installed for the pre-surgery chemo and hasn't been accessed since mid-November, still works great. They were afraid today that it wouldn't due to clots or something so they tested it and Voila! Flowed like new.

Another surgery, effects of altered plumbing, chemo... I ain't sayin' it's gonna be fun, but before long, it should be DONE.

YAY Got a call from the surgeon's assistant first thing this morning. Tests received, reviewed, and all is a GO. Also got the call from the hospital for pre-registration. Very nice person asking me the same hundred questions I've answered a hundred times before, but it means they know I'm coming and will be ready! Also talked with Mom and Dad to let them know it's all confirmed and they are ready. I am ready!!

On with the show!

Whew

Wow, had a brain day today. May have been due to a reasonable sleep. Both rare events these days, and surely connected.

How did I use my rare dose of cell-power?
- Pinged the surgeon's assistant twice. Will keep bugging her until they swear my surgery date of the 24th is secure.
- Talked to a mortgage loan company about the possibility of a re-fi on the AR house to ease up our finances a bit til it sells.
- Once again attempted to reconcile the ins co's calculations with the bills I've received. Had better luck after a phone call to the ins co for explanations and some more research on their website to help interpret their glyphs and obscure language.

Of course, now my poor brain is fried, my butt is tired of my computer chair, and I'm anxiously awaiting the microwave beep that tells me my only meal for the day is ready! I was so deeply into reconciling that I just didn't take time to eat.

I'm a happier camper though. I actually accomplished something. Granted, it was essentially a matching game, something like the ones I've been playing on the Zone. But hey, it was productivity. I was absorbed. I was doodling about in Excel and shuffling stacks of papers to get it done! That's kinda skillful, no? :)

Project on the brain: Boosting awareness of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. I've mentioned it here before. I'd like find a way to publicize its existence, like maybe putting it in classrooms across America? I'd like to see it added to the curriculum in every county, every state. If teachers would at least mention it in high school Social Studies and/or History courses, I think that would help make our society more aware of our freedoms in this country and how the rest of the world, all of humanity, deserves the same and better.

There was an effort to promote the UDHR on its 50th anniversary (1948-1998) but I don't think it worked very well.

What I'd love to do is find the funding to put a cool poster of the UDHR in at least every SS/History class. Unfortunately, I don't know how I'd go about doing that. They're about $25 each, with S&H (poster at New Internationalist).

I started trying to find out how many high schools there are in the US. So far, I only have a list of all the counties - over 3000. Even just sending a letter to the county school boards would be more expense than I could afford. Let's say it cost 50¢ for ink, paper, and postage to send a cover letter and a text copy of the UDHR. Even just that would be about $1500. It would take me days and days to collect the county school board addresses, but I'm willing to do that.

This is probably another one of my ideas that will just fade away, but the UDHR does outline a world I want to live in. I can't force the world to be what I want, but I just keep thinking that if one more kid in every state takes the UDHR to heart, it would have to help. If it was one kid in every county school system, even more so. And one kid passing through every history classroom... wow

I need to think on this some more. I have the will. I need the way.

For reference: UDHR at UN.org

Leakage may be over. So far, so good, since yesterday's attempt. Still paranoid.

Called the surgeon's assistant to make sure the pre-op tests were okay. Good thing I checked, she still hadn't received the results and hadn't checked with me or anyone at the LC med center. She was waiting for... what? She knew I had the tests done WEDNESDAY. It's Monday. No one's fax is that slow. Hint, chiquita, the ball has been dropped and you were supposed to pick it up.

I am less and less impressed with LC med center's execution of ANYthing... and the surgeon's assistant's ability to followup, schedule, or in any way juggle all the things she surely must do. Competence is just too much to ask? If this fucks up my scheduled takedown... run for cover.

Um... I think today counts as a wash? One cautious step forward and at least one back?

Can one still have a stroke while on BP meds? They're all testing that, they really are. I have one nerve left and they are twanging it like a guitar string.

No, I'm not whining. I believe the proper term is bitching and I am well and truly fucking justified. So, there.

If this continues, it's going to be a long fucking week.

If I ever had a second thought about whether or not to do the takedown, it is being erased. For the possible tribulations to come, I have this last bit to remind me of the alternative?

Yes, the notion has crossed my mind once or twice. I mean, compared to the trouble I had that started this whole saga, fooling with the pouch --- when it works --- isn't bad at all. I realize there is the distinct possibility of at least a temporary purgatory to equal or surpass my original complaints, once the altered plumbing is in use again.

Since the first of January, about a month after the big surgery, my apparatus has been working relatively trouble-free. I had developed some trouble with the original style, but an ostomy nurse in Ky introduced me to a different style that resolved the problems.

Yet now, at least a month after the takedown should have occurred... and just a little over one week when it will finally occur.... I'm having trouble again. I've developed raw skin on the area where the adhesive wafer holds the pouch to my body, and I'm having leaks as well... even while my supplies are running very short. I was sure I had enough to cover until the 24th. Well, not at this rate.

It would be nigh impossible to get more supplies within the next week and they come in expensive and excessive quantities. Like I need more expenses? especially wasteful ones? Like I need more stress?? I've started praying that I'll have enough, or can make do with some unused samples I was given in the initial kit which were passed over previously because they weren't quite right.

I'm trying not to whine. I'm trying to think of it as a positive thing, like comparison for future reference, as noted above.

But dayam... it feels like two steps forward and one back, over and over again. This is reviving my annoyance over the delays because I can't help but think how this wouldn't have been possible if the reversal had occurred as originally scheduled.

*sigh*

What the hell are the planets doing to me and when are they gonna quit it? (Hey, gotta blame something.)

Got pre-op tests done today: bloodwork, chest xray, EKG. No big deal, standard stuff to clear me for surgery. Fortunately could do it in LC and even more fortunate to catch the med center departments at the right time so I had minimal waiting.

Needed to get it done this far ahead so results can be sent to the surgeon in Albqq and we have time to make adjustments, if needed, like iron supplement if I'm anemic, or whatever. I think I should be in pretty good shape physically and I'm certainly more than ready psychologically for the takedown.

Also made first contact with the new local cancer treatment center to get ready for followup chemo. They're supposed to be state-of-the-art. I want them to be ready for me as soon as I am ready for them. Made an appointment for initial consultation on the 19th. Hoping this gets the ball rolling early enough to start the chemo asap after recovery so I can be DONE with all these phases.

Aha, found a new cyber word that applies - Laptopia. Yes, that's where I'm living these days. Technically it might be Notebookia, but I like Laptopia better. I mean, 'notebook' was already defined, so if you use that you have to somehow make the distinction between the paper kind and the electronic kind. But 'laptop', hey, it is what it is, no question.

I have a few problems with the laptop which have nothing to do with computing. Despite my long legs, I have a tummy that takes up a portion of my lap. Besides, I rarely sit like a lady should, thus I rarely have a standard lap. Even if I have formed a lap, as soon as I open the laptop it wants to flip backward and take a dive onto the floor. Oh sure, I can anchor it with my wrists then wait for the burn marks on my thighs.

Fortunately, the arm of our sofa is really wide and provides a fairly stable platform (then 'armtop'?). When I need to shift my seating position I can also prop the laptop on a throw pillow. Hmm, then it's a pillowtop, no?

Dang I think I need one of those little white tray thingies they advertise on TV. Oh yes, that's part of my Laptopia world. Beyond this little screen is the bigger screen of my TV. I'm a media junkie. One screenful, even with multiple windows open, isn't enough.

Now and then I remember the history of these devices. About 30 years ago, I operated an IBM 370. It was a behemoth of mute boxes in a carefully air conditioned room and I could only interact with it through a teletype sort of machine with readout onto wide greenbar paper, while a bank of tall refrigerator-sized machines whirled magnetic tapes in the background. (No ringy, no writey. Yellow plastic circles good for games of ring toss while waiting hours for files to process. :)
IBM 370 and peripherals photo 8 whole Mb of processing power? wooooo

About 25 years ago, I typed DOS commands onto a keyboard in front of a huge black screen spouting my input and the IBM 9370's responses in acid green text. The mysterious processing boxes were smaller and grey instead of red and black, but still sitting on a grid of special flooring to hide miles of cable. They were still finnicky about air quality and cooling too.

About 20 years ago, I had to learn Unix/Xenix to talk to 'micros' which weren't all that micro (Digital PDP11s with Bernoulli cartridges, no less). They were much smaller than the IBMs but could still heat a room or serve as excellent boat anchors when defunct. Unix/Xenix was a syntax nightmare compared to DOS, employing series of one letter commands with mathematical symbols rather than something like English. The Bernoulli drives were often built-in! instead of rows of standing sarcophagi for data storage on reels of mag tape.

When I left the industry, micros were called PC's and were pretty much like the desktops we have now, although Bill Gates' supposition that "640K ought to be enough for anybody" gets more and more comical as Microsoft keeps growing Windows versions that could eat Alaska... plus the Yukon Territories... actually the North and South American continents... Good thing the hardware has gotten so small.

Over these same years, I went through a few personal systems at home...

- TRS-80 from Radio Shack (aka Trash-80), basically a smart keyboard, which I hooked up to a 13" black and white TV and a standard portable cassette player for backing up my little BASIC programs. (Hey, when I was in college, I wrote COBOL and typed it on IBM 129 keypunch machines. Carried my card programs around in boxes in the back seat of my VW. The cassettes were a marked improvement! Card jams were disasterous. :)

- Commodore 64C --- The C was for COLOR, by golly! with a GEOS (DOS-like) command set.

- I later moved up with Commodore to the Amiga. Then I could do multimedia, incl my own graphics, and multitasking in windows, long before Windows.

- Alas Commodore lost the US market (selling out to Gateway) and the world was going IBM so I got my first PC. Took a few years before IBM caught up with the multimedia demand, but they got there. Of course, the war with Apple/MAC ensued, and later with Linux, but... here we are.

So now I have a desktop which has more computing capacity than all the computers I ever worked on, together, and multiplied by I don't know how many powers of 10. And this here laptop, which gets me to the world from my living room, or my car, or a hospital bed, or anywhere that's a wi-fi hotspot.

It's a wonderful computing world we live in, eh? So I guess I can put up with the inconvenience of finding a comfy sitting position and dealing with a little heat.

Yes, Laptopia. I think I'll be happy here for a while. If they make them any smaller, my fingers will be too big to use them. I have trouble with the slightly smaller keyboard already, much more with shrinking cellphones.... which reminds me of the heavy black dialer phone we used to have when I was growing up..........

Fine as frog hair? Well, not all that fine :) but yesterday's appointment finally came to pass. My insistence and spouse's made sure I got sufficient sedation and the boa constricture was deconstricted. (Okay now I'm just making up words ;) The surgeon assured me (via spouse, since I was pleasantly loopy) that all is now well, but he'll be checking it again and making any necessary adjustment immediately before my reversal surgery, all in one swell foop, and most importantly while I am deeply unconscious through the magic of anesthesia.

Mom and Dad are planning to hit the road on the 21st, choosing to drive instead of fly, just because they like road trips. They should arrive here early on the 23rd. Then, they'll cart me to Albuquerque, find a hotel, and take a test run to the hospital so Dad knows the way. Thus I'll be able to report to the hospital at 9am on the 24th and get on with this last surgical step.

Great to have my folks with me again. They're excellent caretakers, as well as good company. They plan to stay while I'm in the hospital, which should only be a few days, and bring me back home then stick around to baby me until I'm all recovered and grooving again. Of course their involvement is also priceless because it allows spouse to keep his work schedule, and our income flowing.

That's the game plan. Two weeks to kill in the interim. Might be a good time to make initial contact with the new cancer center in LC so I can start the adjuvant chemo as soon as I'm able, post surgery.

OH! I also had my request for pain killers fulfilled (technically filled :) since I knew from the last event that I'd need them. Modern chemistry is very much appreciated. You betcha. Gotta love hydrocodone.

PS - I googled 'hydrocodone' and the following showed up as first result...
Hydrocodone - www.DEAdiversion.usdoj.gov Consumer alert! Drugs From Rouge Internet Pharmacies are Illegal.
... What about mascara internet pharmacies? or maybe.. Oooo concealer internet pharmacies, now that sounds clever...

Stress. I'm stressed by trying not to be stressed. I keep trying to clamp down on it but I think that's just making it worse. I guess I'm trying to pretend not to be stressed, which isn't the same as relieving stress. But short of drinking until I pass out, I seem incapable of relieving the stress. *sigh*

We have got to get out from under the house in AR. I've got to get out from under this draqgged out medical saga and the bills that go with it. All this shit is on my last nerve. I'm loosing hair but not from chemo (which-I-can't-even-start-yet-because-the-gdmf-reversal-is-taking-forever). I'm loosing hair from stress. It's in the same pile with all the sleep I've lost. *heavy sigh*

I've struggled to kill this last month while waiting for Thursday's procedure. I pray nothing else crops up during that to cause more bullshit and delays. Even if it goes perfectly, I have nineteen more days to kill before the surgery. *double heavy sigh*

I cannot change anything and I cannot accept the things I cannot change. Did I mention I'm stressed? phht

1:11, 3:33

Virtual Fridgewear aka I Did This:
Legend of Zorro, sequel to Mask of Zorro, starring Anotnio Banderas *drool* ... ahem... Where was I? OH, there's a symbol the bad guy uses which I thought was pretty neat. SOMEday I want to do up our living room / dining room with an 'olde worlde' flair and I thought maybe the symbol would fit into that scheme along with prints of antique maps, etc. Besides, the thing caught my attention and gave me something to do for a day.

Here's the only copy of the original I could find of the "Orbis Unum" (one world) symbol - serpent wrapped around a stylized Earth. Someone did a video capture from the film.

I fixed it up in Photoshop to make it 'flat', then printed it, then penciled over it for texture and shading. I also colored a copy, seeing as how I have a box of Prismacolor pencils sitting in my art supplies.

Although the colorful one is cool, I think maybe the sienna one would be better in the 'olde worlde' scheme? We'll see. It was fun to play anyway.

PS - Gotta love the LexMark all-in-one printer/copier/scanner. Excellent tool!

I'd sure like to know what all this frustration is supposed to be teaching me. I don't feel as though I'm learning it.

Okay, I'm booked at least, finally. Hope the timing is right, ie, the boa constricture handling is close enough to the takedown surgery that it doesn't constrict again before I put it to use.

Going for the stricture fix on April 5th. Spouse is taking the day off to run me up to Albuqq for that. It's an outpatient day thing. Then, will have some orders for pre-op stuff to get done in LC within the next week (bloodwork, xrays, EKG). And finally, the long awaited surgery is scheduled for April 24th. Mom and Dad are coming in for that since I will be in hospital for a few days then may need care at home for a few more.

I'm counting on all of this but not completely. Nothing since the first of the year has gone as planned or expected, so... Where's my salt shaker? I may need more than a grain. My 'first of March' reversal has turned into 'end of April' which is only two months but seems much longer to me.

In the meantime, I have successfully whiled away the hours and days with free games on MSN (http://zone.msn.com). Amazing collection of time killers there. I've also loaded my laptop with a copy of Bicycle Casino and Card Games I had for my desktop. All of which should help keep me busy when I get into chemo too, especially if they have internet access there. Most hospitals do, especially those connected with a university (ala NMSU). There's a tip. If you're desperate for a 'hot zone' for internet or cell network, hospital parking lots may be useful. :)

RE: Chemo... I've been reading more on that too. Adjuvant (post-operative) chemo is intended to be insurance. Even though the surgery supposedly removed all the cancer, which had been killed off and shrunken by neo-adjuvant (pre-operative) chemo and radiation, there could be undetectable micrometastases (some free cancer cells floating around). So, the adjuvant chemo is intended to knock those out and further ensure that I am cancer-free and have no recurrence.

If I explained all or some of this before, my apologies. It keeps coming back around in my head and, as is the way with blogs, it spills out here.

PS - Guess how many games the Zone had when I jumped in to play today? Anyone? Anyone? ...555

PPS - Mercury retrograde is over as of today! Smoother road from here, I hope, I hope, I hope...

Good News! Got an email from Ghost this morning. He's back in the States! Not quite at his home yet, but very soon. Regardless, he's no longer in Baghdad, or even Iraq, and that is wonderful. Back from the war all safe and sound.

Things that make me smile? phht Too numerous to mention, although #1 on that list would be babies or very small children. To see a wee child, too young to have learned anything bad or unlearned their pure spirit... Yeah, I smile because they're precious whole souls, new to this world, and I hope my smile welcomes them. They have chosen to incarnate (again? :) and I wish them well.

How about... Things that transport me? A light cool breeze on my face and through my hair, bright silver moonlight, a close encounter with a friendly and/or beautiful creature (deer, rabbit, lizard, turtle...), rain in sunshine, the soft whisper of wind through trees... Okay, nevermind, that's actually a long list too.

Things that grab my heart and fill me with such joy that it wells up in my eyes... There are surely others but one particular type of thing has been doing that lately. I am most affected when I catch someone doing something good or selfless for another person, even in fiction. Whether it's a random act of kindness, like letting a person go ahead in the grocery line, or something more contrived but done with no expectation of reward, such a thing really touches me. Even better if it's anonymous and desperately needed by the recipient. Fiction counts because at least someone is thinking that way and others are witnessing it.

Always I hope that the recipient understands how to 'pay it forward' and that in fact their benefactor is paying forward for some act of kindness they have received. Just "from the goodness of their heart" works too, of course.

Why does this touch me so much? Because I so achingly want the world to work that way. Catching an instance here and there tells me... it can.... it is... not everywhere all the time, but sometimes, here and there. It's hope.

     More flowers for my virtual garden. Daylilies are my favorite kind of flower, not just the orange, but their wide variety of colors. As I told Joyous, I think I began to love them because of the tiger lily patch in my grandmother's yard when I was a kid. The tiger lily's orange was only slightly brighter than my hair, and they were freckled, like me. I felt pretty strange about my appearance when I was young. I fit in perfectly with my family but not so much with the rest of the world. I guess the tiger lilies made it seem alright to be orange and freckled.
     Day Lilies often grow wild, volunteering to grace otherwise empty spaces in the landscape. I like that. They're a nice surprise. I also like cala lilies. Their single petal in a delicate curl demonstrates the pure elegance of simplicity.
   

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I will say this for the desert... when stuff comes up, it comes up fast. I heard about the water coming fast; that's what the arroyos are for. I now see the plants are opportunistic as well. I suppose they must be to survive long periods without a drink. Carpe diem, eh? Seems the plants around here spring up under even the briefest of sprinkles.

Yesterday I was looking out at bare-limbed pecan trees lined up in bare dirt. My view has been the same since I got here in mid-January. Today, after a quick and light shower of rain, I can see buds covering the tree limbs and there are lines and lines of something green growing beneath the trees. (Weeds I'm sure, but hey, it's green!) Plus, some of the scrubby stuff in between our house and the grove has suddenly sprouted yellow or white blooms.

It's not like Home or the more lush river and mountain areas where I've lived, but it IS the Rio Grande river valley... and it's greening. Right on time too, eh? I mean, Spring just sprung officially a couple of days ago. Good on ya, desert.

I lifted this from a MapQuest banner which wasn't even an ad. It said nothing, just showed these daisies and I liked them, so I'm planting them here too :)

Oh my, the Shroom at large :) Heaven help Reno. hehe
Have a great time and yes, what happens in Reno, stays in Reno... okay except for sharing any juicy bits with the Sisterhood because "It's the Law." *grin*

To the tune of Leaving On A Jet Plane... with apologies to the late John Denver...

All my bags are packed I'm ready to go
The dogs are barkin' at the door
I hope they woke you up. I said, "Come ON!"
'Cause the dawn is breakin'; it's early morn
The truck is waitin'. I'm blowin' the horn!
Already you're so tardy, you may die! (*evil glare*)

So Skip, get your ass out here!
Pack it up or leave the gear!
Time's awastin', get out here! Let's GO!
'Cause I'm leavin' (with a migraine)
Don't Eee-ven try to stall again,
Get in! What makes you men so slow?

hehe

Movie Review: The Island is Logan's Run meets Coma? Pretty good actually. More chase and adventure than suspense, but still an interesting premise and reasonably executed.

Learned a new word through this movie too - agnate. It's being used more from its origin than the modern definition. Merriam-Webster says "a relative whose kinship is traceable exclusively through males, a paternal kinsman" but that wouldn't apply to the females, would it? The original latin isn't so heavily laden with our western patriarchal history: "agnatus, from past participle of agnasci to be born in addition to, from ad- + nasci to be born". Sure sounds like 'clone' to me. Interesting.

Phht Looked up from fiddling with items on my Google 'home page' and the clock read... 4:44... yep yep yep

Playing a freebie version of Family Feud. Sure, I got lots of different scores, but when a 555 showed up it caught my attention. Yep... yep yep yep.

Surely the following review from an Amazon.com item is intentional word play. I cannot imagine the circumstances under which an individual would be able to form sentences using reasonable grammar without being able to spell more than a few words correctly. I had to actually pronounce this butchery aloud to glean what this bloke is saying. Says he's a writer! May be dyslexic. English should be his first language as he listed himself as Paul Campbell in Healdsburg, CA. Maybe he's a pre-teen (or preschool???) GADS! I always wonder, 'If you write like this, how can you read anything written correctly? How would you ever recognize the words and do you not see the difference between what others write and what you... don't?'

Quote from review for Galaxy of Games 5000 on Amazon.com (and he's written several others with the same... um... style):
"when i got the games i startid to play them. thay are grate and thers no way you can play them oll. so you wont haf to wurre ubout runing out. i yous them hwen i wont a brake from riting. i rite fore a wial then play a game then go back to riting. i recomend thes games fore enny one hoo wonts to brack uway from a project fore a litel wiall and then be abell to go rite back."

It hurts. Truly. Slays me. Please tell me he's just jerking around.

Very nice day today, very relaxing. Spouse took me out on a golf date. I don't play, but I went along for the ride. Golf courses tend to be peaceful and beautiful places, and around here it's a rare patch of lush green. Loved it. Got some sunshine and although it was probably pushing 80°, there was always a breeze and some shade within the cart. Spouse and I also enjoyed dinner on the clubhouse balcony, overlooking the 18th hole which has a fountain. Bonus was the company. I do enjoy just hanging out with spouse. Like I said, very nice day, all around. I won't do it often because it's a 4-5 hour stretch in a golf cart, but now and then, on a gorgeous day like today... oh yeah.

Your fate has been decided...
You are one of the lucky ones! Because of your virtue and beliefs, you have escaped eternal punishment. You are sent to the First Level of Hell - Limbo!

First Level of Hell - Limbo
Charon ushers you across the river Acheron, and you find yourself upon the brink of grief's abysmal valley. You are in Limbo, a place of sorrow without torment. You encounter a seven-walled castle, and within those walls you find rolling fresh meadows illuminated by the light of reason, whereabout many shades dwell. These are the virtuous pagans, the great philosophers and authors, unbaptised children, and others unfit to enter the kingdom of heaven. You share company with Caesar, Homer, Virgil, Socrates, and Aristotle. There is no punishment here, and the atmosphere is peaceful, yet sad.

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

Boa constricture appointment is set for April 5th. Yeah, it's a three week wait. However, that does push it well outside the influence of muddled Mercury. He'll be flying right and that should help things go more smoothly. Hey at this rate I might get a reversal for my birthday... in JUNE. Nevermind it was supposed to be over the first of March. My fault for moving cross-country in the middle of all this, I guess. Wait, that wasn't under my control either. Hmmm...

Grasping at straws, er, stars, er, planets. Mercury retrograde occurring in Pisces-Aquarius-Pisces. In my case, it's crossing back and forth over my 6th House cusp. The 6th House concerns Health, Daily Routine, Fitness, Duty, Service to Others. So, since Merc's renegade run began Feb 14th, that could explain the medical delays, foul-ups, miscommunications, added complications over the last month. Good news is that Mercury will fly right after March 28th. Bad news is that Mercury won't fly right until after the 28th.

The F'd sedative and torture day was March 8th, the redirect day. I tried to pretend that wouldn't affect me. Well, it obviously did. Typical of Mercury's style, the ultimate outcome is usually okay, it's just a helluva lot of trouble getting there. Obstacles, ya know. Mercury tripping over his own winged feet.

The boa constricture thing should be scheduled in the next week or two. I sure hope it's not on Wed, March 28th. Remember, I usually get hit at the beginning, redirect, and last days of a retrograde. But, I sure don't wanna (not that the Universe has paid much attention to MY wishes for a while).

Sleeping. Sinuses kicked up a cough and woke me up. Dark room except for spouse's alarm clock. Red LED numbers glowing out of the blackness. 5:55

Obs-tack-ulls. Gotta hear it as spoken by the old blind oracle on the railroad in O Brother Where Art Thou? Yes, obstacles. Gotta do 'this' but can't do it til ya do 'that' which first requires the other thing... and so on.

Warning: I am about to rant. It's going to make some people worry about my state of mind because you don't often hear this sort of thing from me. Well, I think it, I just don't express it much. I usually fight it with silver linings and sunshine, converting the darkness to light. However, when my batteries are run down, it's much harder for me to make the conversions. So, no matter what you read into this, it doesn't mean I'm about to slash my wrists. Just means I'm venting more than usual.

Warning: TMI follows...
The radiology showing no leaks also showed a stricture, which I am unaffectionately calling a boa constricture. I saw it on the screen, seeing as how the freakin sedation did not work and I was awake for the torture.* (Yeah, I left that out before. Trying not to be negative, but even I have limits.) The surgeon was aware of the stricture but not the extent (length), thus he erroneously said it could be fixed while I was out for the reversal but now it appears the boa constricture will have to be dealt with prior to the reversal, in a whole separate 'incident' and in Alb, no less.

I am SO wanting to wrap up this phase of my life. I never thought of this as a 'from now on' thing. For me, this cancer deal was just a bump in the road. Granted, it's a big damn bump, but still a bump. It's beginning to feel like a major detour and I can't find my way back to the highway. It started out as a big deal, and while the big stuff is done, it's turning into a long drawn out ORdeal.

I am pissed. I am tired. I can only be positive about bad shit for so long before it starts to really wear on me. Thus, I am worn. (<< See that's what I was warning about. Don't call a hotline. Someday I'll get past it.)

Had the cancer removed but got an ileostomy. Gotta takedown the ileostomy but have to do a leak test. Got the leak test done, but there's a stricture. Gonna have the stricture handled but gotta get the reversal done before it starts to close up again. Gotta recover from the takedown before starting chemo, blah blah blah.

BLAH!dammit
There.

[* I stood my ground, insisting on sedation. Procedure was rescheduled to allow for it. We had agreed on 5mg Versed which should have done the job. However, they gave me 1mg and waited. No effect. They gave me a 2nd mg and waited. It was enough to make my words slur, apparently, but I knew it wasn't enough to do the procedure. So, I continued to insist that I could feel everything and they were torturing me, but they thought I was just talking through the drug and wouldn't recall it. I recall EVERYthing. When I got out of there and into Recovery I was PISSED. I didn't need recovery because I was never OUT, and I said as much, nastily, to everyone in earshot. --- This is the particularly perturbing thing. I DID my part. Everyone/everything around me failed... and I was helpless to change it. ]

Dang you people. These things are like viruses for which I apparently have no immunity? :P

You Are a Dreaming Soul      Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world, so much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time. You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all... But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult.      You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses.      Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life.      Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Wrote up "Life in the Desert" to print and snail mail to the fambly back home, but if you're interested you can read it too HERE. It even gots pikachers. Oooooo

Aw, dangit. I had two days without it, but it's back. I'd been catching the time but it was off, like 1:08 or 1:14, 2:23, 3:54, etc. I actually grinned every time and thought 'Hey, it's NOT a triplet!' I thought maybe it was gone. However, 4:44 just got me.

One interpretation just says 444 means my angels/guides/etc are close by. The other says they're saying "No" to whatever I was thinking. Well, I was thinking the numbers had stopped pinging me. Guess that's a big Negatory.

Heh, the time change could be used to excuse it since 4:44 would have been 3:44 but because the time change technically occurred at 2am, well, the 4:44 looks legit, reckon.

It's not like I feel plagued by some demonic power or whatever. I find the numbers interesting. I'm just plagued by curiosity because I still don't feel I've figured out for sure what the hell they mean.

Well, Em, my 'List' is likely to change daily. Depends on my mood(s) and the movies I've watched most recently, and so on. However, I think I'd always go for a little variety; I am a Gemini after all. :) Truly there are several folks I'd love to spend an evening or weekend with but for social or mental intercourse as much as other intimacies. *grin* I actually had well over a dozen names jotted down but narrowed my current list to these fellows. I realize these guys are almost all too young or too old for me, but we're talking fantasy, right? So... not necessarily in pecking order...
Johnny Depp
Jeremy Irons
Matthew McConaghey
Morgan Freeman
Antonio Banderas
Viggo Mortensen
Oded Fehr

Good news, albeit unofficial: no leak! The radiology Dr said the xrays showed no leaks. That won't be official until the surgeon in Alb gets the pictures and sees for himself, but the rad doc seemed very sure about it. SO... barring any unforseen obstacles, we should be scheduling my reversal very soon. I'll give the surgeon til Mon or Tues to receive and read the snapshots, then I'll start pinging him for confirmation and a schedule.

Searching guide on tv for something to watch. Found suitable program scheduled to begin at 6pm. Hmm... How long til then? Looked at clock. 5:55

555 from same interp set says: Buckle your seat belts, because a major life change is upon you. This change should not be viewed as being "positive" or "negative", since all change is but a natural part of life's flow. Perhaps this change is an answer to your prayers, so continue seeing and feeling yourself being at peace.

Riiight. Fasten your seatbelt, but be at peace.
O. K.
I think I've had about all the major life changes I can handle. I'm just trying to get back on track now.

Today was good and bad... or bad then good. After discussions between me and LC radiology staff, between them and Alb surgeon and staff, etc... we sorted out what the complete order for the procedure -should- have specified. I stood my ground. I was insistent. I wasn't going to allow anything until all was clear.

So... this morning turned out to be a clarification visit. I will return early Thursday AM at which time I'm supposed to be treated as I want, and the radiologist is supposed to get the pictures as the surgeon needs them.

Not exactly how I thought my intentions should have manifested, but I guess it could ultimately work out to the same thing. I'm glad they could get me rescheduled so soon. I'm a little concerned about the execution of the above since it will now occur on March 8th, the day Mercury stops and redirects. Hmmm. That's your birthday, Ghost. Care to donate a wish?

---

You are The Magician Skill, wisdom, adaptation. Craft, cunning, depending on dignity. Eleoquent and charismatic, both verbally and in writing, you are clever, witty, inventive and persuasive. The Magician is the male power of creation, creation by willpower and desire. In that ancient sense, it is the ability to make things so just by speaking them aloud. Reflecting this is the fact that the Magician is represented by Mercury. He represents the gift of tongues, a smooth talker, a salesman. Also clever with the slight of hand and a medicine man - either a real doctor or someone trying to sell you snake oil. What Tarot Card are You? Take the Test to Find Out.

Sitting in the living room, being a media junkie by watching tv while web surfing. Was half-watching the telly and waiting for a page to load on the laptop. Happened to glance at the clock. 1:11

I've read on a few websites that the triplets may be related to whatever is on one's mind at the time the triplet occurs. Also, the triplet itself may determine the effect of one's thoughts at that moment. Up til now, I couldn't have said what I'd been thinking when a triplet occurred. My prior thought(s) have been wiped out by one thought: There's another one! WTF is up with the numbers??

But this time (haha time 1:11) I caught myself. Other than idling while waiting, I was thinking about Tuesday's appointment of course. I've been running that frikken program in the background since the surgeon's mention of the procedure on last Tuesday, and even moreso since the appointment was scheduled. I have incessant imaginary conversations with the surgeon and the radiologist rolling around in my fevered mind.

My thought was about insistence. I insist on being treated as I want to be treated for the procedure and I insist that the results of the test are good, positive, conducive to proceeding to the next step, ie, the reversal surgery.

Reportedly, 111 is like the Universe taking a snapshot of one's thoughts (desires) at that moment and manifesting them. I don't know if I really believe it. I wonder who figures out these correlations. However, I'd certainly like that connection to be the case. I'd like for the Universe to stop laughing at the joke played on me and start sorting it back out so I can get over it.

I'm also hoping that the $1.11 at the post office, used to mail the remnants of the AR house to the realtor there, will be manifested as the sale of that albatross. I could get on with paying the mounting heap of medical bills and start doing things to -this- house.

Damn but I seem to keep bitching about the same things over and over. I guess I can't help it, the same things are still vexing me.

The time now is not a triplet, but I'd like to impress another thought upon the Powers That Be --- DO something about this irritation phase that's running rampant. I'm not the only one on edge about crap and I'm not the only one who is tired of being on edge. Let's back off the sandpaper treatment and just let things be smooth for a while, eh? sheesh

Talked to Ghost today. He's still in big bad Baghdad, but preparing to come home soon, probably within a month. He's been able to call me every week or so, and we've been able to pass emails back and forth a bit. His birthday is coming up on the 8th and for a few months we're even, then in June I'll pull ahead one year. Ah, well, nice having a fine fellow chasing me. ;)

Already having to work to keep my brain blender from whipping up a frenzy over Tuesday's appointment. They will just have to find a way to do it without traumatizing me, and of course, the results will just have to be right so we can proceed.

So let it be written, so let it be done. *curt nod*

Productive day, which is always good. Received some work from my web clients and got that done. Emptied a few more boxes and distributed their contents. And then, I napped. A well-balanced day all around. :)

I've been feeling sorry for myself a bit. I know I'm surely due such moments, but I don't like them. I guess I don't like them for the same reason I have them, it's about something not going the way I want it to. This round is about progress or the lack thereof. Same bitch I blogged about earlier, as in frustration over being stalled out with selling the AR house, furnishing the new one, and getting my body back to something like normal. The main reason for this self-pity party though is the body biz.

I have been discombobulated since before the E/R visit in Nov 2005. It's now March 2007 and I'm not finished. In my pity state, I start wondering if it will ever be finished. I wonder how I may function imnmediately after this upcoming surgery and during the following six months or so of chemo. I wonder if I'll ever again not have to worry about a leaking or full pouch, or displacing a chemo connection, or having an 'episode' in the middle of a grocery trip or on the road. Will I get to sleep with my husband again without worrying about apparatus getting squished or a body malfunction? Hell, I wonder how long it will be, if ever, that I'll get to take a long soaking bath or an uncomplicated shower. Will I get to wear fitted clothes without showing gear or 'insurance'? Will I be able to resume the successful eating plan again, the great plan I was so happy with in the summer of 2005 before it got so horridly derailed?

For the first time in my lifelong battle with weight and body image, I was getting somewhere! I felt I'd found a solution to my problem and it was getting me where I'd long wanted to go. And then, for the first time in my life, I got into this continuing medical mess.

I know, I know... I should be grateful that I will survive a bout with cancer, that it's been a fairly easy battle comparatively, that I've never had health difficulties before, that this bypass thing isn't permanent, that I've had so much support and love... and I AM grateful. But, sometimes, like now, when there's a lull in the forward motion, it's like the battle weariness I've pushed aside descends heavily. I want to be free of this thing, done, over it, past it.

There IS a little progress. Surgeon's nurse called to let me know the pre-surgical leak test has been scheduled for next Tuesday, and in town here so I don't have to make a trip to Alb for it. If it goes well (perfectly) then the surgery can be scheduled.

But, for now, it feels like slow heavy steps. And in this mode/mood I am worried that the test won't go well and there will be further delays. Dang, I hate what this wallowing does to everything. It's like the opposite of rose-tinting; everything looks black from here. bleh

Once again, if I'd have been smart, I'd have asked for more patience when I signed up for this curriculum before reincarnating.

Oh well, I know from experience that I will get over it. I will cycle out of the dumps and see the sunshine again. After all, even from here I know the light is always there. Sometimes my vision is too cloudy to see it... but... the clouds do clear.

Stopped at local post office just after I hit the road for the Alb trip. Had to mail garage door openers and a spare door key for the house in AR since I forgot to drop them off with the realtor before I left town. ANYway, I didn't know whether to laugh or scream when the postal clerk told me the cost of the postage. Here's the receipt...



Do ya see wot ahm sayin'?!
various house clocks, thermostat, car trip odometer, car clock, microwave, and now receipt... everyfreakinwhere

In other news: Met the surgeon in Alb. He's fine, nice, seems well-versed and competent. Very much like the guy in AR whom I liked. They really are very similar and, per the one in AR, they are identical in skill. NO date for surgery yet. Gotta have another diagnostic first, which I suspected. They're gonna try to schedule that here in LC so I don't have to drive to Alb for it. Will take a few days to find out when that is. THEN, if and only if the results are perfect, ie, no leaks of any kind, they'll be able to schedule the surgery. *sigh* Patience... I shoulda asked for a goodly dose of patience when I signed up for this lifetime.

PS - Yes, I'm back home. I decided I was good for the drive back. Still a long day. Going down for a nap now. :)

PPS - When I got settled in at home, I checked the front stoop for an expected UPS delivery. There was none, however, there was a PIG in my front yard. To me it looked like a pig, a wild pig, except it seemed to be wearing a collar. I thought, who would put a collar on a pig? He ran off pretty quickly so I only caught a glimpse of his build and coarse grey and black hair... and the apparent collar. It soon occurred to me that it was indeed a wild thing and the collar was maybe a marking in his hair/fur. Sure enough, after a little web search, I found out that from South America up through the American Southwest one may find the "collared peccary". So, I gots wild pig things running around here, eh? They are also called Javelinas (Spanish for javelin) due to sharp tusks. They reportedly may be smelled before seen and one should stay upwind if possible. Intewesteen.

Finally meeting with surgeon in Alb today at 2:30pm. Hoping to have a date (asap in March, please) for the reversal when I walk outta there. Might need to stay over in Alb if the 3-4 hour drive up proves to be enough for one day and/or if any diagnostics are needed and they can be scheduled for Wednesday.

Have also done a little web research on adjuvant chemotherapy. Pleased to be finding support for my regimen preference of continuous infusion (24/7 IV machine in a fanny pack) vs bolus (megadose for hours in clinic followed by days/week of suffering?). There can easily be side effects from continuous infusion too, but I handled the neoadjuvant rounds so well, I really think I'd do much better with that. Gonna have big powwows with the chemo oncologist(s) about options.

I was beginning to doubt the need for any further treatment since the main surgery seems to have 'got it all'. However, I have read enough to believe that futher chemo is prudent in the prevention of recurrence or possible traveling of cancer cells elsewhere in my body (micrometastases). While they checked and there was no evidence of any spread outside the tumor area which was completely removed, sometimes the micros can escape detection. Chemotherapy usually wipes them out. I'm all for that, even if it's just insurance.

Enough clinical talk for now. I'm going back to web and channel surfing :) I'm such a media junkie.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most.
We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?'
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us.
And when we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.”
by Maryanne Willaimson
as quoted by Nelson Mandela
in his 1994 inaugural speech

Xanadu, I'd email this to you but since your email is busted.... Sadly, this Mercury retrograde IS likely to hit you harder than most because it's happening in your sign., Aquarius. Pisceans are likely having trouble too. When it happens in June, I get pounded even worse because, as a Gemini, Mercury is my ruling planet. I mean, when your ruling planet goes backwards, you're really screwed. hehe

Hang in there, sistah. Eventually ol Merc straightens up, as you know. Get back in the foxhole and put your helmet on tighter.

For those who want to know:
Mercury started backing up on Feb 14th at 10° Pisces
It will stop to redirect on Mar 8th (Ghost's birthday ;) at 25° Aquarius
Mercury will catch up to its designated path on Mar 28th (naturally at 10° Pisces)

For those who are thinking, "Planets don't back up in their orbits!!"... let us remember that we're referring to the astrological event called a 'retrograde' in which planets -appear- to go backwards through the zodiac wheel in the sky :)

Mercury retrogrades are the most common and often the most perturbing because they affect communication (phones, satellites, verbal discourse, etc), transportation, computers and sometimes even written transport/communications, like contracts.

In my experience, it's the days when Mercury jerks that cause the most trouble. The initial stop for reversal, the stop for redirect to forward motion, and even the jerky resync at the end. Those three days are usually the worst, at least for me.

Mercury retrogrades usually happen about three times a year and we often blame the trouble on sunspots and such. IMO, it's the messenger of the gods getting tongue-tied, and we catch the hell for it. hehe

Walking through the hallway.
Happened to glance at the thermostat.
It displays time as well as temp.
Guess what time it was?
3:33

Yeah.

Answers! Questions I got. I want answers.

Okay Joyous one... I took the bait and... it's a little scary. hehe

DIANA - Dreamy Individual Adeptly Needing Affection
well, actually, yes

ARIANDA - Amorous Ravishing Individual Administering Naughty Delights and Affection
spooky, eh?

GRIFFEN - Goddess Rendering Intense Fantasies and Fantastic, Erotic Necking
erm, close? sometimes? when I'm in the mood?

QUICKSILVER - eh, too many letters... hehe

Recently saw an old Twilight Zone episode about an aladin-type genie lamp. Instead of three wishes, this genie would only grant one. The wisher went through several scenarios --- love, money, power --- while trying to figure out what single wish to make. In the end, in Twilight Zone style, he chose to be the genie.

I started thinking about what single wish I might make. It wouldn't be for love or money or power, but what -would- I wish?

I was also reminded of the Numpty's old IRC tag line "Do you know the wish of your heart?" To be honest, that question always perturbed me because I had no clue. I could not determine the wish of my heart. I mean, I wish the best for all my friends and family. I even have specific wishes for them, things I think they want and I'd love to see their dreams come true. Of course, I want the usual, like peace in the world, love and happy lives for all children, etc. But, a wish for me? My heart's wish? *shrug* No idea. I have a few things on my wish list that would be nice, but none are significant enough to be THE wish of my heart.

That question has nagged at me over time, but after a couple of weeks with it really stirring in the background, ie, being mulled over in my hindbrain... I found my answer. It may be sappy or cliche or too vague and general, but it is indeed the wish of my heart. Actually, just thinking about it makes me misty.

My biggest most important wish?
To be the best Me.

In truth, it has always been there, under the surface and behind most of what I do and who I have been for most of my life. I have sometimes faltered under ego or frustration or outside pressures, but at the base of me I am striving to be my best. Somewhere out before me is an ideal person, a perfect citizen of this world and the universe, someone who loves unconditionally, supports without judgement, gives without thought of return... At the same time, there must be humility and at no time should I act with an eye on some reward. It has to come from within and be its own reward because it makes me a better me.

One thing I have preached but failed to follow myself, is to care for me as much as I care for others. That's one of the traps of even the seemingly most selfless person. But truly, I cannot be Me if I am completely selfless. <--- Profound, eh? There has to be a Me, a strong, empowered, confident, soulful me... else I have nothing to give to others. To quote my own preaching, I "cannot pour from an empty vessel."

It's masochistic to serve without self-service. I must also allow others to serve me as I serve them, when they offer. And sometimes, I have to ask for what I need, when I feel another is capable and willing to give it. Without the willingness to receive as well as give, one can fall into martyrdom and that becomes a sort of left-handed reward, feeding some dark need for the drama? I don't want to be a martyr or a masochist, nor do I want to use others for selfish purposes. I simply want to be fully in the stream of give and receive that passes rightfully between souls.

So, what has been a sort of unconscious wish to be my best, now becomes a conscious ambition. My parents and others have given me a great start. Some of it I do as easily as breathing. But I also have to unlearn the downside, like leaving nothing for me. I need to balance out the flow and become a two-way pipeline, letting my energy flow out but also letting energy from others flow back in and through me... so my vessel is always filled and I have plenty to not only exchange with others, but to be my best self.

PS - For those whom I have plagued with my numeric triplets conundrum, please note the date: 2/22. Interesting, no? Significant? phht Maybe, maybe not. hehe

I can do stuff!

Got the expected help Saturday so all the furniture is in place now. Spent the rest of the day cleaning the china cabinet (lots of mirror and glass) as well all the crystal and china, then loaded up the cabinet. It's beautiful, like jewelry for the great room. SO great to be able to finish a task!

Next up is unpacking boxes of CDs, DVDs and VHS tapes to then be loaded into the living room entertainment center. Can also work on cleaning and loading up a second hutch which I'm actually using as a library unit in the sitting room. Got boxes of books for that one. Needs a shelf though. When we bought it cheap at a furniture auction, part of the reason for the great price was a missing glass shelf. Still, I can at least pile up all the books there and be done with more boxes!

There are also doors and drawers in the hutch for storage of other crap I don't want on display or cluttering closets. Another bonus... and more empty boxes!

All of this relieves a bit of the tension from being stalled out otherwise. YES!

Good News: I'm feeling good. Resting a lot and being careful otherwise so I don't rupture anything. Healing continues and I'm okay with the ileostomy for as long as I have to put up with it.

Bad News: I'm in a holding pattern on two fronts (body, houses) which is the source of my lack of focus or concentration on anything else. Too much keeps churning in my head and I keep cycling back to "Can't yet." or "Don't have enough info yet." or "Money isn't there yet." blah blah whirl spin churn

Waiting for appointment with surgeon to discuss ileostomy reversal. Appt scheduled for Feb 27th at which time I presume we will set the date for the surgery which should be as soon as the surgeon and hospital are available. Was supposed to do it in early March but with the initial surgeon meeting so late in February I don't know how quickly it can happen.

Post-reversal chemo is also a relative unknown. Will begin after I'm recovered and may continue for 6 months. Not pleased with what I was told to expect, ie more traditional megadose every two weeks (thus spread out so I can recover from serious and debilitating effects?). I am anxious to discuss options and maybe get a better idea of what./when/how and push for more humane option like I had before, ie the fanny pack delivering constant small doses 24/7. My body and spirit tolerated that very well. We'll see.

Still waiting for the other house to sell before I can get much needed furniture here and do other much desired decorating. Can't even ponder these things while effectively paying two mortgages (but that doesn't keep me from doing it!). Also been waiting on help to move the current furniture into correct places, but that should happen this weekend. Spouse has contracted some day labor to come on Saturday and help with those moves.

So, I'm kinda revved up mentally but idling in reality. That's tough for me. I freely admit I am woefully short on patience.

Addendum: Forgot to be thankful for the ability to pay for both houses, even if it leaves us without any discretionary funds. I'm glad we -can- do it. Also more thankful than expressed about feeling good and being functional while in limbo :)

Houston, we're back online!
Computers shipped from Ky arrived yesterday and I got my desktop all hooked up today, so me mIRC bot is back and so am I :)

Healthwise, I'm still easily tuckered out, but otherwise good. My surgeon is very pleased with my progress and his work. I am very pleased with his work too. He gave me leave to travel to NM and is forwarding me to his buddy in Alburquerque for stoma reversal in early March. I am naturally looking forward to that. It'll be much more minor surgery and only a few days in hospital to recover. Mom & Dad will be coming in for that too so the spouse won't have to miss work (and income for us!).

I have a houseful of boxes to unpack and some furniture in the wrong places, but I'm handling that all very slowly and carefully. I'm not supposed to lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk (approx 5lbs) so I'm very limited! That sucks, but I am willing myself to behave. Don't want to upset my progress by being stupid or stubborn. Just doing a few boxes a day and carrying a few items at a time.

I have to constantly remind myself that only a little over a month ago I had major surgery. The surgeon explained it on a 1 to 10 scale. He described a 10 (which was lost on me ;) and said what I had was 8 1/2 to 9. He has stressed AND stressed that what he did was MAJOR and I had to watch it. Okay okay okay... I get it... I just gotta remember it in everything I do!

Um... OH, and the house. It is just as I imagined it, or better. I'd seen the floor plans and made the model and all. I had a very good 3D image in my head. It was still very exciting to drive up to my house and walk inside as the imagined 3D image became reality ;) I am pleased, very very please. Best part of course is that spouse is here too. That makes it home.

Enough for now. Gotta million changes to make, IRL and in my online connections. Dang but hasn't this been a long strange trip. I do not want to repeat 2006. Looking to 2007 for closure and settling in for a new fresh start.

Sorry, another quick note. I swear I will catch up with myself eventually. (heh)

I am in NM, in MY NEW HOME with MY husband. My nurse angel from NWA drove us here in my loaded up car. Took us two days and the gawdawful weather freezing the midwest was on our asses but we did stay ahead of it the whole way. We came through some inclement stuff but nothing hazardous and arrived in LC/NM to sunny skies and 60°. Verra niiice.

Alas, Le Angel's flight was cancelled due to DFW being closed and she can't get back home til Tues. Sooooo.... today I am taking her touristing to the old mexican village section of the area.

Thus, I am out again, but I promise to return.

Oh... and all my computers are in boxes on a UPS truck, shipped from Ky. So... that's gonna have me outta all the loops for a few more days too. (Doing this bit on spouse's moochine)

I WILL see y'all... um... okay, too late for 'soon', but... won't be as long as it has been. *smile*

Lots of details to catch up on, but for now just know that I am doing really well. I'm flying from Ky to AR tomorrow for a Dr appt Thursday AM, then on the road to NM with my local-angel (the LPN in NWA). We're doing a Thelma & Louise road trip (without the trouble and the jump ;) hehehe Good leisurely ride through OK, TX and NM then a left turn at Alburquerque. Should only be 2 days drive, but I promise to make it 3, if I get tired (Mr Bill ;P )

No worries! I'll be in my new home with my spouse FINALLY and eagerly awaiting the reversal of my temp thang THANKFULLY and.... on my way to the second half of my life. Do I know how to have a midlife crisis, or what?? phht

FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST! THANK THE ALMIGHTY, I'M FREE AT LAST!!

woohoo!!
Typing this entry at the computer table in the temp digs! About to have me a snack and then a sit on a real sofa, a real shower, then a nap in a real bed!!

I
AM
PLEASED :)

Love and Blessings to Y'all,
Diana

Sorry for the slow update but I think I've had a pretty good excuse... yeah, laptop keyboard. (hehe) Seriously, I've had enough wits about me and felt good enough to blog before now, but really-really-really miss my desktop keyboard! Oh yeah and still fighting my cultural heritage... mouse vs touchpad.

SO...

Admitted on Wed 6th

Surgery on Thurs 7th, way early, took about 4 hrs (expected) and I don't recall a lot of Thurs. I suspect I'd rather not anyway :) (gotta love anesthiology)

Was in ICU (expected post-surgery) til Saturday afternoon. Mostly floating in and out of a few realities :) and trying to wake up the body processes, like, oh, breathing and such. Never any doubt I'd get there but road wasn't always smoooth.

By Sunday night, main deal was some gastric fluid build-up crowding my lungs. TMI, I'm sure, but I had a whole lotta nasty liquid built up that was gonna come out no matter what. Didn't take me long to decide that head-in-a-pink-bucket was not the way to go. Despite my prior imaginings on the discomfort of an NG tube, when I needed the relief it gives, I really didn't care about what I had to put up with to get it.

Soon, I mean like, within hours, I was feeling good and got gooder and goodest and better and bestest. I just turned a corner and began to improve by leaps and bounds. Plan was to increase diet from clear liquids to regular everyday stuff. I my systemm the newer sleeker model :) handled it okay, then I'd likely go home Saturday the 16th.

And then, dangit, on Friday I began a series of uncontrollable to-the-bone chills by virtue of ugly fever spikees, ie normal to 102+ in minutes, with a bit of effort to knock it back again.

Discharge date shot, of course. Brainstorming ensued for cause of fevers and diagnostics for a bit. My surgeon's best suspiscion is that putting everything to sleep and waking it all back up may have aggravated my gallbladder/stone. He's gonna run that theory and get some opinions from surgical pals while treating me with antibioticsm etc.

IF Rogers can get my system to calm back down, we can postone gallbladder surgery til I get the ileostomy reversed (two birds AND a stone hehehe). I like that plan. Furthermore, it could be done in NM shortly after the first of the year because my surgeon knows and trusts a guy he went to school with who is in Alberqurque.... only hours from my new home and my husband!

So sometime in January, Mom & Dad would bring me back though here, follow up with doc, get my car too, travel two days to NM in good pre-surgical condition.... then get the reversal done, the gall bladder out... and finally.... living in NEW house with MISSED husband.

I'll have chemo treatements for another 6 months but they can be easily done locally.

whew...so... there it is.... waiting for verification of the plan then release to go home to Ky for the holidays and.... onward and upward from there!

Here goes!
Surgery Thurs AM and then on with the healing!
Cancer OUT and then I'm gettin' back to good.

Update in brief:

- packers doing their thing this Wednesday, loading truck Thursday, delivery to NM due on Dec 4th

- checking into hospital on Dec 6th to prep for surgery on morning of Dec 7th; likely in hospital for about a week, then another week before travel to Ky

- will get out news on the success of my surgery asap but don't panic if it takes a while (Bill ;)

- am now moved into temporary quarters, apartment for me until surgery, for Mom & Dad to use while I'm in the hospital, then for me with them until released to travel (probably on Dec 22nd)

- sorry, but no Christmas presents from me this year except for nieces/nephews and parents... just too much going on

- YOU, and you all know who you are, must not send me anything either, 'cept maybe get well cards. If that, then see Skya for appropriate address to parents' house. Don't want to publish it here or on Yahoo group.

- will be in Ky til lesser surgery at end of January, then on to NM... finally

Mom & Dad's renewal wedding ceremony and reception were fan-freakin-tastic! My siblings and their spouses were the groomsmen and bridesmaids. Their children were Jr of same and both the boys and girls ushered in guests. The youngest male grandchild, Spencer, was the ring bearer. The youngest girl grandchild, Royce, was the flower girl. So the bridal party and MVP guests ranged from Royce (3 yrs old) to Grandma (95). It was all perfect... the weather, the crowd of visitors, the food at the reception, etc and so on.

Mom and Dad were SO precious! I'll have pictures to post later, but trust me when I say that Mom had found the perfect white lace dress and Dad was a stunner in his black tux. They exchanged adjusted vows and rings, then read parts of song lyrics to each other ("Remember When" by Alan Jackson).

My sister created a slide show for the reception. It was a joyful tear jerker. She had pictures of our family from the whole 50 years Mom and Dad have shared together. My niece had compiled three CDs of music Mom selected, oldies and goodies for background and dancing at the reception.

Mom was a queen for a day, with her handsome king by her side. It was definitely an event of a lifetime. Everyone who participated and attended knows exactly how terrific these two people are. Their praises were repeated and echoed all day.

I caught a lot of attention since Mom and Dad have apparently been telling on me and my condition. Loads of folks told me I looked great (I think they expected death warmed over? hehe) and that I am in their prayers and good thoughts. I soaked it all in. Can't hurt, will likely help ;)

Now I gotta get rested up from all that excitement and travel so I can manage the movers at the end of the month and the surgery the next week.

Sorry for my extended awayness, both here and on IRC. I've been feeling pretty good except for being tired. I assume this is my body restoring the good cells lost in the chemoradiation therapy. As such, I have been trying to eat properly plus supplementing with vitamins and plenty of water, as well as lots of sleep.

Had an appointment with the surgeon today. The plan is to admit me on Dec 6th for prep then surgery on the morning of Dec 7th. I will not accept any negative connotations from that date :) With the help of anesthesia, I may get to spend 3-4 hours on a peaceful beach in Hawaii though! hehe

Before dawn's early light on this upcoming morn, I will be getting on a plane and heading to Ky for Mom & Dad's 50th Anniversary weekend. Very much looking forward to that! and being Home. I've been away since Labor Day weekend. Too long, despite Mom and Dad's visit in October. I'll be flying back on Monday, the 20th.

Incredible coincidence tomorrow, my middle brother (who is coming in from KC) and I will be on the same connecting flight from Memphis to Lex! I look forward to traveling with him. I don't get to see him often.

One more thing, for which I ask sincere prayers and best thoughts... The surgeon cannot guarantee I can be put back together to function normally, ie, there is still a possibility of a permanent colostomy. I know that with my will I would eventually learn to deal with that, if that were the outcome, but with all of my being I ask for a better result. I know there must be changes, but the possibility of that change seems almost too much for me to contemplate. It's just something I won't know, cannot know for sure, until I wake up from the surgery. Please wish with me that I receive good news.

Great News! Today will be my last radiation treatment. I already got rid of my chemo fanny pack on Wednesday. So, I'm finishing Phase I.

Bad News: I am fried, cooked, burned, blistered... in my most tender parts. I didn't know it was possible to have such seering pain while urinating and still be conscious. Seriously. Despite a whole collection of various creams and regular doses of narcotic pain relievers and functional sedatives, one cannot pee on open blisters without incredible pain.

I'm reminded of the Cold War days when idle debates led to wishes for being at ground zero in the event of a nuclear blast. Absofukinglutely a good idea. Getting vaporized would be much favorable to trying to live with radiation burns. I speak now from experience.

I am ready for healing to begin. I am ready for the break I get in November. I'll deal with the surgery when it gets here. For now, I'm focused on recovering from what has already transpired.