I've been feeling sorry for myself a bit. I know I'm surely due such moments, but I don't like them. I guess I don't like them for the same reason I have them, it's about something not going the way I want it to. This round is about progress or the lack thereof. Same bitch I blogged about earlier, as in frustration over being stalled out with selling the AR house, furnishing the new one, and getting my body back to something like normal. The main reason for this self-pity party though is the body biz.

I have been discombobulated since before the E/R visit in Nov 2005. It's now March 2007 and I'm not finished. In my pity state, I start wondering if it will ever be finished. I wonder how I may function imnmediately after this upcoming surgery and during the following six months or so of chemo. I wonder if I'll ever again not have to worry about a leaking or full pouch, or displacing a chemo connection, or having an 'episode' in the middle of a grocery trip or on the road. Will I get to sleep with my husband again without worrying about apparatus getting squished or a body malfunction? Hell, I wonder how long it will be, if ever, that I'll get to take a long soaking bath or an uncomplicated shower. Will I get to wear fitted clothes without showing gear or 'insurance'? Will I be able to resume the successful eating plan again, the great plan I was so happy with in the summer of 2005 before it got so horridly derailed?

For the first time in my lifelong battle with weight and body image, I was getting somewhere! I felt I'd found a solution to my problem and it was getting me where I'd long wanted to go. And then, for the first time in my life, I got into this continuing medical mess.

I know, I know... I should be grateful that I will survive a bout with cancer, that it's been a fairly easy battle comparatively, that I've never had health difficulties before, that this bypass thing isn't permanent, that I've had so much support and love... and I AM grateful. But, sometimes, like now, when there's a lull in the forward motion, it's like the battle weariness I've pushed aside descends heavily. I want to be free of this thing, done, over it, past it.

There IS a little progress. Surgeon's nurse called to let me know the pre-surgical leak test has been scheduled for next Tuesday, and in town here so I don't have to make a trip to Alb for it. If it goes well (perfectly) then the surgery can be scheduled.

But, for now, it feels like slow heavy steps. And in this mode/mood I am worried that the test won't go well and there will be further delays. Dang, I hate what this wallowing does to everything. It's like the opposite of rose-tinting; everything looks black from here. bleh

Once again, if I'd have been smart, I'd have asked for more patience when I signed up for this curriculum before reincarnating.

Oh well, I know from experience that I will get over it. I will cycle out of the dumps and see the sunshine again. After all, even from here I know the light is always there. Sometimes my vision is too cloudy to see it... but... the clouds do clear.

Stopped at local post office just after I hit the road for the Alb trip. Had to mail garage door openers and a spare door key for the house in AR since I forgot to drop them off with the realtor before I left town. ANYway, I didn't know whether to laugh or scream when the postal clerk told me the cost of the postage. Here's the receipt...



Do ya see wot ahm sayin'?!
various house clocks, thermostat, car trip odometer, car clock, microwave, and now receipt... everyfreakinwhere

In other news: Met the surgeon in Alb. He's fine, nice, seems well-versed and competent. Very much like the guy in AR whom I liked. They really are very similar and, per the one in AR, they are identical in skill. NO date for surgery yet. Gotta have another diagnostic first, which I suspected. They're gonna try to schedule that here in LC so I don't have to drive to Alb for it. Will take a few days to find out when that is. THEN, if and only if the results are perfect, ie, no leaks of any kind, they'll be able to schedule the surgery. *sigh* Patience... I shoulda asked for a goodly dose of patience when I signed up for this lifetime.

PS - Yes, I'm back home. I decided I was good for the drive back. Still a long day. Going down for a nap now. :)

PPS - When I got settled in at home, I checked the front stoop for an expected UPS delivery. There was none, however, there was a PIG in my front yard. To me it looked like a pig, a wild pig, except it seemed to be wearing a collar. I thought, who would put a collar on a pig? He ran off pretty quickly so I only caught a glimpse of his build and coarse grey and black hair... and the apparent collar. It soon occurred to me that it was indeed a wild thing and the collar was maybe a marking in his hair/fur. Sure enough, after a little web search, I found out that from South America up through the American Southwest one may find the "collared peccary". So, I gots wild pig things running around here, eh? They are also called Javelinas (Spanish for javelin) due to sharp tusks. They reportedly may be smelled before seen and one should stay upwind if possible. Intewesteen.

Finally meeting with surgeon in Alb today at 2:30pm. Hoping to have a date (asap in March, please) for the reversal when I walk outta there. Might need to stay over in Alb if the 3-4 hour drive up proves to be enough for one day and/or if any diagnostics are needed and they can be scheduled for Wednesday.

Have also done a little web research on adjuvant chemotherapy. Pleased to be finding support for my regimen preference of continuous infusion (24/7 IV machine in a fanny pack) vs bolus (megadose for hours in clinic followed by days/week of suffering?). There can easily be side effects from continuous infusion too, but I handled the neoadjuvant rounds so well, I really think I'd do much better with that. Gonna have big powwows with the chemo oncologist(s) about options.

I was beginning to doubt the need for any further treatment since the main surgery seems to have 'got it all'. However, I have read enough to believe that futher chemo is prudent in the prevention of recurrence or possible traveling of cancer cells elsewhere in my body (micrometastases). While they checked and there was no evidence of any spread outside the tumor area which was completely removed, sometimes the micros can escape detection. Chemotherapy usually wipes them out. I'm all for that, even if it's just insurance.

Enough clinical talk for now. I'm going back to web and channel surfing :) I'm such a media junkie.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most.
We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?'
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us.
And when we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.”
by Maryanne Willaimson
as quoted by Nelson Mandela
in his 1994 inaugural speech

Xanadu, I'd email this to you but since your email is busted.... Sadly, this Mercury retrograde IS likely to hit you harder than most because it's happening in your sign., Aquarius. Pisceans are likely having trouble too. When it happens in June, I get pounded even worse because, as a Gemini, Mercury is my ruling planet. I mean, when your ruling planet goes backwards, you're really screwed. hehe

Hang in there, sistah. Eventually ol Merc straightens up, as you know. Get back in the foxhole and put your helmet on tighter.

For those who want to know:
Mercury started backing up on Feb 14th at 10° Pisces
It will stop to redirect on Mar 8th (Ghost's birthday ;) at 25° Aquarius
Mercury will catch up to its designated path on Mar 28th (naturally at 10° Pisces)

For those who are thinking, "Planets don't back up in their orbits!!"... let us remember that we're referring to the astrological event called a 'retrograde' in which planets -appear- to go backwards through the zodiac wheel in the sky :)

Mercury retrogrades are the most common and often the most perturbing because they affect communication (phones, satellites, verbal discourse, etc), transportation, computers and sometimes even written transport/communications, like contracts.

In my experience, it's the days when Mercury jerks that cause the most trouble. The initial stop for reversal, the stop for redirect to forward motion, and even the jerky resync at the end. Those three days are usually the worst, at least for me.

Mercury retrogrades usually happen about three times a year and we often blame the trouble on sunspots and such. IMO, it's the messenger of the gods getting tongue-tied, and we catch the hell for it. hehe

Walking through the hallway.
Happened to glance at the thermostat.
It displays time as well as temp.
Guess what time it was?
3:33

Yeah.

Answers! Questions I got. I want answers.

Okay Joyous one... I took the bait and... it's a little scary. hehe

DIANA - Dreamy Individual Adeptly Needing Affection
well, actually, yes

ARIANDA - Amorous Ravishing Individual Administering Naughty Delights and Affection
spooky, eh?

GRIFFEN - Goddess Rendering Intense Fantasies and Fantastic, Erotic Necking
erm, close? sometimes? when I'm in the mood?

QUICKSILVER - eh, too many letters... hehe

Recently saw an old Twilight Zone episode about an aladin-type genie lamp. Instead of three wishes, this genie would only grant one. The wisher went through several scenarios --- love, money, power --- while trying to figure out what single wish to make. In the end, in Twilight Zone style, he chose to be the genie.

I started thinking about what single wish I might make. It wouldn't be for love or money or power, but what -would- I wish?

I was also reminded of the Numpty's old IRC tag line "Do you know the wish of your heart?" To be honest, that question always perturbed me because I had no clue. I could not determine the wish of my heart. I mean, I wish the best for all my friends and family. I even have specific wishes for them, things I think they want and I'd love to see their dreams come true. Of course, I want the usual, like peace in the world, love and happy lives for all children, etc. But, a wish for me? My heart's wish? *shrug* No idea. I have a few things on my wish list that would be nice, but none are significant enough to be THE wish of my heart.

That question has nagged at me over time, but after a couple of weeks with it really stirring in the background, ie, being mulled over in my hindbrain... I found my answer. It may be sappy or cliche or too vague and general, but it is indeed the wish of my heart. Actually, just thinking about it makes me misty.

My biggest most important wish?
To be the best Me.

In truth, it has always been there, under the surface and behind most of what I do and who I have been for most of my life. I have sometimes faltered under ego or frustration or outside pressures, but at the base of me I am striving to be my best. Somewhere out before me is an ideal person, a perfect citizen of this world and the universe, someone who loves unconditionally, supports without judgement, gives without thought of return... At the same time, there must be humility and at no time should I act with an eye on some reward. It has to come from within and be its own reward because it makes me a better me.

One thing I have preached but failed to follow myself, is to care for me as much as I care for others. That's one of the traps of even the seemingly most selfless person. But truly, I cannot be Me if I am completely selfless. <--- Profound, eh? There has to be a Me, a strong, empowered, confident, soulful me... else I have nothing to give to others. To quote my own preaching, I "cannot pour from an empty vessel."

It's masochistic to serve without self-service. I must also allow others to serve me as I serve them, when they offer. And sometimes, I have to ask for what I need, when I feel another is capable and willing to give it. Without the willingness to receive as well as give, one can fall into martyrdom and that becomes a sort of left-handed reward, feeding some dark need for the drama? I don't want to be a martyr or a masochist, nor do I want to use others for selfish purposes. I simply want to be fully in the stream of give and receive that passes rightfully between souls.

So, what has been a sort of unconscious wish to be my best, now becomes a conscious ambition. My parents and others have given me a great start. Some of it I do as easily as breathing. But I also have to unlearn the downside, like leaving nothing for me. I need to balance out the flow and become a two-way pipeline, letting my energy flow out but also letting energy from others flow back in and through me... so my vessel is always filled and I have plenty to not only exchange with others, but to be my best self.

PS - For those whom I have plagued with my numeric triplets conundrum, please note the date: 2/22. Interesting, no? Significant? phht Maybe, maybe not. hehe

I can do stuff!

Got the expected help Saturday so all the furniture is in place now. Spent the rest of the day cleaning the china cabinet (lots of mirror and glass) as well all the crystal and china, then loaded up the cabinet. It's beautiful, like jewelry for the great room. SO great to be able to finish a task!

Next up is unpacking boxes of CDs, DVDs and VHS tapes to then be loaded into the living room entertainment center. Can also work on cleaning and loading up a second hutch which I'm actually using as a library unit in the sitting room. Got boxes of books for that one. Needs a shelf though. When we bought it cheap at a furniture auction, part of the reason for the great price was a missing glass shelf. Still, I can at least pile up all the books there and be done with more boxes!

There are also doors and drawers in the hutch for storage of other crap I don't want on display or cluttering closets. Another bonus... and more empty boxes!

All of this relieves a bit of the tension from being stalled out otherwise. YES!

Good News: I'm feeling good. Resting a lot and being careful otherwise so I don't rupture anything. Healing continues and I'm okay with the ileostomy for as long as I have to put up with it.

Bad News: I'm in a holding pattern on two fronts (body, houses) which is the source of my lack of focus or concentration on anything else. Too much keeps churning in my head and I keep cycling back to "Can't yet." or "Don't have enough info yet." or "Money isn't there yet." blah blah whirl spin churn

Waiting for appointment with surgeon to discuss ileostomy reversal. Appt scheduled for Feb 27th at which time I presume we will set the date for the surgery which should be as soon as the surgeon and hospital are available. Was supposed to do it in early March but with the initial surgeon meeting so late in February I don't know how quickly it can happen.

Post-reversal chemo is also a relative unknown. Will begin after I'm recovered and may continue for 6 months. Not pleased with what I was told to expect, ie more traditional megadose every two weeks (thus spread out so I can recover from serious and debilitating effects?). I am anxious to discuss options and maybe get a better idea of what./when/how and push for more humane option like I had before, ie the fanny pack delivering constant small doses 24/7. My body and spirit tolerated that very well. We'll see.

Still waiting for the other house to sell before I can get much needed furniture here and do other much desired decorating. Can't even ponder these things while effectively paying two mortgages (but that doesn't keep me from doing it!). Also been waiting on help to move the current furniture into correct places, but that should happen this weekend. Spouse has contracted some day labor to come on Saturday and help with those moves.

So, I'm kinda revved up mentally but idling in reality. That's tough for me. I freely admit I am woefully short on patience.

Addendum: Forgot to be thankful for the ability to pay for both houses, even if it leaves us without any discretionary funds. I'm glad we -can- do it. Also more thankful than expressed about feeling good and being functional while in limbo :)

Houston, we're back online!
Computers shipped from Ky arrived yesterday and I got my desktop all hooked up today, so me mIRC bot is back and so am I :)

Healthwise, I'm still easily tuckered out, but otherwise good. My surgeon is very pleased with my progress and his work. I am very pleased with his work too. He gave me leave to travel to NM and is forwarding me to his buddy in Alburquerque for stoma reversal in early March. I am naturally looking forward to that. It'll be much more minor surgery and only a few days in hospital to recover. Mom & Dad will be coming in for that too so the spouse won't have to miss work (and income for us!).

I have a houseful of boxes to unpack and some furniture in the wrong places, but I'm handling that all very slowly and carefully. I'm not supposed to lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk (approx 5lbs) so I'm very limited! That sucks, but I am willing myself to behave. Don't want to upset my progress by being stupid or stubborn. Just doing a few boxes a day and carrying a few items at a time.

I have to constantly remind myself that only a little over a month ago I had major surgery. The surgeon explained it on a 1 to 10 scale. He described a 10 (which was lost on me ;) and said what I had was 8 1/2 to 9. He has stressed AND stressed that what he did was MAJOR and I had to watch it. Okay okay okay... I get it... I just gotta remember it in everything I do!

Um... OH, and the house. It is just as I imagined it, or better. I'd seen the floor plans and made the model and all. I had a very good 3D image in my head. It was still very exciting to drive up to my house and walk inside as the imagined 3D image became reality ;) I am pleased, very very please. Best part of course is that spouse is here too. That makes it home.

Enough for now. Gotta million changes to make, IRL and in my online connections. Dang but hasn't this been a long strange trip. I do not want to repeat 2006. Looking to 2007 for closure and settling in for a new fresh start.

Sorry, another quick note. I swear I will catch up with myself eventually. (heh)

I am in NM, in MY NEW HOME with MY husband. My nurse angel from NWA drove us here in my loaded up car. Took us two days and the gawdawful weather freezing the midwest was on our asses but we did stay ahead of it the whole way. We came through some inclement stuff but nothing hazardous and arrived in LC/NM to sunny skies and 60°. Verra niiice.

Alas, Le Angel's flight was cancelled due to DFW being closed and she can't get back home til Tues. Sooooo.... today I am taking her touristing to the old mexican village section of the area.

Thus, I am out again, but I promise to return.

Oh... and all my computers are in boxes on a UPS truck, shipped from Ky. So... that's gonna have me outta all the loops for a few more days too. (Doing this bit on spouse's moochine)

I WILL see y'all... um... okay, too late for 'soon', but... won't be as long as it has been. *smile*

Lots of details to catch up on, but for now just know that I am doing really well. I'm flying from Ky to AR tomorrow for a Dr appt Thursday AM, then on the road to NM with my local-angel (the LPN in NWA). We're doing a Thelma & Louise road trip (without the trouble and the jump ;) hehehe Good leisurely ride through OK, TX and NM then a left turn at Alburquerque. Should only be 2 days drive, but I promise to make it 3, if I get tired (Mr Bill ;P )

No worries! I'll be in my new home with my spouse FINALLY and eagerly awaiting the reversal of my temp thang THANKFULLY and.... on my way to the second half of my life. Do I know how to have a midlife crisis, or what?? phht

FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST! THANK THE ALMIGHTY, I'M FREE AT LAST!!

woohoo!!
Typing this entry at the computer table in the temp digs! About to have me a snack and then a sit on a real sofa, a real shower, then a nap in a real bed!!

I
AM
PLEASED :)

Love and Blessings to Y'all,
Diana

Sorry for the slow update but I think I've had a pretty good excuse... yeah, laptop keyboard. (hehe) Seriously, I've had enough wits about me and felt good enough to blog before now, but really-really-really miss my desktop keyboard! Oh yeah and still fighting my cultural heritage... mouse vs touchpad.

SO...

Admitted on Wed 6th

Surgery on Thurs 7th, way early, took about 4 hrs (expected) and I don't recall a lot of Thurs. I suspect I'd rather not anyway :) (gotta love anesthiology)

Was in ICU (expected post-surgery) til Saturday afternoon. Mostly floating in and out of a few realities :) and trying to wake up the body processes, like, oh, breathing and such. Never any doubt I'd get there but road wasn't always smoooth.

By Sunday night, main deal was some gastric fluid build-up crowding my lungs. TMI, I'm sure, but I had a whole lotta nasty liquid built up that was gonna come out no matter what. Didn't take me long to decide that head-in-a-pink-bucket was not the way to go. Despite my prior imaginings on the discomfort of an NG tube, when I needed the relief it gives, I really didn't care about what I had to put up with to get it.

Soon, I mean like, within hours, I was feeling good and got gooder and goodest and better and bestest. I just turned a corner and began to improve by leaps and bounds. Plan was to increase diet from clear liquids to regular everyday stuff. I my systemm the newer sleeker model :) handled it okay, then I'd likely go home Saturday the 16th.

And then, dangit, on Friday I began a series of uncontrollable to-the-bone chills by virtue of ugly fever spikees, ie normal to 102+ in minutes, with a bit of effort to knock it back again.

Discharge date shot, of course. Brainstorming ensued for cause of fevers and diagnostics for a bit. My surgeon's best suspiscion is that putting everything to sleep and waking it all back up may have aggravated my gallbladder/stone. He's gonna run that theory and get some opinions from surgical pals while treating me with antibioticsm etc.

IF Rogers can get my system to calm back down, we can postone gallbladder surgery til I get the ileostomy reversed (two birds AND a stone hehehe). I like that plan. Furthermore, it could be done in NM shortly after the first of the year because my surgeon knows and trusts a guy he went to school with who is in Alberqurque.... only hours from my new home and my husband!

So sometime in January, Mom & Dad would bring me back though here, follow up with doc, get my car too, travel two days to NM in good pre-surgical condition.... then get the reversal done, the gall bladder out... and finally.... living in NEW house with MISSED husband.

I'll have chemo treatements for another 6 months but they can be easily done locally.

whew...so... there it is.... waiting for verification of the plan then release to go home to Ky for the holidays and.... onward and upward from there!

Here goes!
Surgery Thurs AM and then on with the healing!
Cancer OUT and then I'm gettin' back to good.

Update in brief:

- packers doing their thing this Wednesday, loading truck Thursday, delivery to NM due on Dec 4th

- checking into hospital on Dec 6th to prep for surgery on morning of Dec 7th; likely in hospital for about a week, then another week before travel to Ky

- will get out news on the success of my surgery asap but don't panic if it takes a while (Bill ;)

- am now moved into temporary quarters, apartment for me until surgery, for Mom & Dad to use while I'm in the hospital, then for me with them until released to travel (probably on Dec 22nd)

- sorry, but no Christmas presents from me this year except for nieces/nephews and parents... just too much going on

- YOU, and you all know who you are, must not send me anything either, 'cept maybe get well cards. If that, then see Skya for appropriate address to parents' house. Don't want to publish it here or on Yahoo group.

- will be in Ky til lesser surgery at end of January, then on to NM... finally

Mom & Dad's renewal wedding ceremony and reception were fan-freakin-tastic! My siblings and their spouses were the groomsmen and bridesmaids. Their children were Jr of same and both the boys and girls ushered in guests. The youngest male grandchild, Spencer, was the ring bearer. The youngest girl grandchild, Royce, was the flower girl. So the bridal party and MVP guests ranged from Royce (3 yrs old) to Grandma (95). It was all perfect... the weather, the crowd of visitors, the food at the reception, etc and so on.

Mom and Dad were SO precious! I'll have pictures to post later, but trust me when I say that Mom had found the perfect white lace dress and Dad was a stunner in his black tux. They exchanged adjusted vows and rings, then read parts of song lyrics to each other ("Remember When" by Alan Jackson).

My sister created a slide show for the reception. It was a joyful tear jerker. She had pictures of our family from the whole 50 years Mom and Dad have shared together. My niece had compiled three CDs of music Mom selected, oldies and goodies for background and dancing at the reception.

Mom was a queen for a day, with her handsome king by her side. It was definitely an event of a lifetime. Everyone who participated and attended knows exactly how terrific these two people are. Their praises were repeated and echoed all day.

I caught a lot of attention since Mom and Dad have apparently been telling on me and my condition. Loads of folks told me I looked great (I think they expected death warmed over? hehe) and that I am in their prayers and good thoughts. I soaked it all in. Can't hurt, will likely help ;)

Now I gotta get rested up from all that excitement and travel so I can manage the movers at the end of the month and the surgery the next week.

Sorry for my extended awayness, both here and on IRC. I've been feeling pretty good except for being tired. I assume this is my body restoring the good cells lost in the chemoradiation therapy. As such, I have been trying to eat properly plus supplementing with vitamins and plenty of water, as well as lots of sleep.

Had an appointment with the surgeon today. The plan is to admit me on Dec 6th for prep then surgery on the morning of Dec 7th. I will not accept any negative connotations from that date :) With the help of anesthesia, I may get to spend 3-4 hours on a peaceful beach in Hawaii though! hehe

Before dawn's early light on this upcoming morn, I will be getting on a plane and heading to Ky for Mom & Dad's 50th Anniversary weekend. Very much looking forward to that! and being Home. I've been away since Labor Day weekend. Too long, despite Mom and Dad's visit in October. I'll be flying back on Monday, the 20th.

Incredible coincidence tomorrow, my middle brother (who is coming in from KC) and I will be on the same connecting flight from Memphis to Lex! I look forward to traveling with him. I don't get to see him often.

One more thing, for which I ask sincere prayers and best thoughts... The surgeon cannot guarantee I can be put back together to function normally, ie, there is still a possibility of a permanent colostomy. I know that with my will I would eventually learn to deal with that, if that were the outcome, but with all of my being I ask for a better result. I know there must be changes, but the possibility of that change seems almost too much for me to contemplate. It's just something I won't know, cannot know for sure, until I wake up from the surgery. Please wish with me that I receive good news.

Great News! Today will be my last radiation treatment. I already got rid of my chemo fanny pack on Wednesday. So, I'm finishing Phase I.

Bad News: I am fried, cooked, burned, blistered... in my most tender parts. I didn't know it was possible to have such seering pain while urinating and still be conscious. Seriously. Despite a whole collection of various creams and regular doses of narcotic pain relievers and functional sedatives, one cannot pee on open blisters without incredible pain.

I'm reminded of the Cold War days when idle debates led to wishes for being at ground zero in the event of a nuclear blast. Absofukinglutely a good idea. Getting vaporized would be much favorable to trying to live with radiation burns. I speak now from experience.

I am ready for healing to begin. I am ready for the break I get in November. I'll deal with the surgery when it gets here. For now, I'm focused on recovering from what has already transpired.